To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

[jennymanara]

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

It's never crossed my mind to go and clean my dcs' shared houses. (4 so far.) I prefer to just turn up and load the car and go! My dc have always paid their own deposits though.

I did help with tidying (picking up rubbish, throwing out food) last year as dd was the last person in the house and it had been left like the Marie Celeste with a really lazy crew, and I felt sorry for her . They had arranged with the landlady to pay for a cleaner - losing twenty quid a head out of their deposit seems far preferable to me spending hours there.

Totally agree @RaindropsKeepFallingOnMyBed , my DS and his housemates all lived in squalor all year their choice . He paid his own deposit ( insisted on it ) and they all got £50 deducted which the landlord used to pay for a cleaner.

MN is such a contrary place. If the OP had written AIBU to be shocked that my friend didn't help her kid there would have been an almost unanimous outpouring of YABVVVU, he's an adult, infantilism, raising man children....

What a bizarre post. I'd help both of my children in this capacity and indeed recently went to collect my eldest from uni and helped her clean in order that her deposit was returned intact. She's nearly 21. Why on earth wouldn't I help her? I'm her mum!

Slightly different, but I've also got a lovely friend whose husband has left her and she is now a single mother of two very young children. Her mental health has been severely impacted and her house is an absolute state. So I go and help her clean. She's in her 40's. Perfectly capable of cleaning her own house but she is overwhelmed so it's easier if we do it together and it keeps her motivated. She's my friend, she'd do it for me if the situation were reversed. Why on earth would you not??

Bloody hell, I am glad nobody in my family is like this

im shocked at people who dont understand how helping others isnt a bad thing no matter their age!especially your children.
espceically with end of uni cleans.landlords can be right shits literally had one not want to give back deposit because of dust on radiator.
my mum helped us.and i would too.wouldnt even cross my mind not to offer.
we really appreciated it.

Have you not met any students like ever??

She wanted her deposit back. Which may have been eye watering.

I wouldn’t trust a 21 yo male to do a sufficiently thorough deep clean to satisfy a potentially grasping landlord chomping at the bit to hold some 💰 back on the grounds of “oooooh, you missed that bit.”

It's the kind of thing my mum would have done for me - probably would still do now I'm 38 if she was still here.

My mum helped me do an end of tenancy clean when I was 20. It can be a huge task even with regular cleaning being done & her help & chatty moral support meant so much!

She house sits for us if we go on holiday & gives it a good clean then too! It's loads easier to clean with 1 person using a house rather than 5. She's a star! In return I help her with the garden & allotment, help her decorate & make trips to the dump/recycling centre etc (my Dad's disabled now).

I don't see anything strange with a mum helping her 21 year old son, it's not like going every week to clean!

My parents used to help me move out of college house but I would have everything packed and have the cleaning done and have the landlord there for the final inspection. My parents only really helped with fitting things in the car.

In my four years in Uni neither my parents or any of my housemates parents helped clean. We always got our full deposit back.

They had arranged with the landlady to pay for a cleaner - losing twenty quid a head out of their deposit seems far preferable to me spending hours there.

Presumably not in the UK. An end of tenancy clean takes hours. My experience as a landlord of a one bed flat with a house proud tenant is that a deep clean (under beds, skirting boards, defrost freezer, oven, back of kitchen cupboards, windows inside and out, calcium deposits off taps, lampshades and lightbulbs, etc) takes two people a day. Yes you can find cowboy firms on the internet who will charge less, but there is no way that they are paying staff anything near UK minimum wage.

DDs flat, 4 students no living room, took effectively 4 people a day, though that was because they had deep cleaned the kitchen and bathroom a couple of weeks beforehand.

Most of my tenants, who tend to be on good London salaries, will opt for a prof clean and simply pay. However we are talking about students. Two of DDs flatmates were not well off at all, indeed one was on a University bursary. When she is older and earning, DD can pay, but it seems useful for her to understand the value of money and to appreciate the work people like cleaners do.

I thought you were going to say she was going there every week, in which case that WBU. But if it’s to help so she gets her deposit back no problem. Presumably as a student she can’t afford to get professional cleaners in, as some landlords demand, but would benefit from her mums experience on what constitutes an extensive clean.

Here Carol;:

You introduce your toddler to an instrument for your own gratification, given that the average toddler, unless a prodigy would have zero interest in learning a musical instrument beyond plinking away on a toy piano, then pat yourself on the back and call it "help" for practising with them when they're not capable of and probably couldn't care less about doing it themselves.

Mild as the internet goes, but an attack nonetheless.

Of course I would help my DS move out and clean to get his deposit, my parents did the same for me. They were always supportive into my adult years, and I was supportive in their old age. Never questioned it, we just helped each other out because we're family.

I pity his wife.

What a load of utter rubbish. What makes you think a man can't and won't take on responsibility for himself when he moves out. My daughter's fiance was waited on hand and foot by his mum and now they have their own place he's excellent around the house. Not that my daughter would stand for otherwise!

THAT is what you class as an "attack"? Are you actually being serious?

That's an attack but telling @TheFairyCaravan she is coddling her son, implying she's raising a useless son and you feel sorry for his future wife is fine?

Dear, dear me. Please do report that won't you?

Why do people assume that helping others means they aren't capable of doing things for themselves?

Don't you people ever put yourselves out to help others just to make their lives easier? Cleaning isn't a particularly pleasant job but it's quicker with more hands on deck.

DM helped us with an end of tenancy clean a few years ago. DH and I were both 27 at the time.
I help DM with her big pre-christmas clean she does every year or if she's got guests coming to stay.

It's nice for families to help each other.

I was 25 when I moved out of my parents house. I had a full time professional job. My mom still cooked all my meals as part of the family, did all my washing and ironing (I did pay some rent , before anyone asks!). My two younger brothers were the same. We are all fully functioning, domesticated adults in our own homes now. Helping a child, even if they are an adult, does not make them lazy !

Feel a bit shit now. I didn't help ds1 with cleaning in his moves from student accommodation. I did teach him how to clean and iron a few years back though. He was the one who made sure they got their bonds back and they did both times. I didn't even think to check it was done properly properly.

I’ve been living independently since uni (met my partner, got a job, and just never went home) and my parents still come and help out each time I move. The extra pair of hands is really useful, especially when you don’t have much time to work with! Never expect them to help though

@Curious Mama don't feel crap, I didn't help either.Had I been asked I would have done, but he knows they made the mess and it was their responsibility to sort it. I have helped in other ways while my DS has been at uni as I'm sure you have too.I don't think its our job to check 21 year old men have cleaned properly.

There are a lot of entitled students out there, who are lacking in independence. Funny how none of your DCs are like that, regardless of how much you help them.

I think the entitled ones are those who are given the money to pay cleaners or dont mind losing their deposits (many of which are paid for by parents).

Sometimes doing stuff for people does not help them in the long term.

Cleaning your own house teaches young people lots of lessons about not leaving things to the last minute and being assertive with peers about them doing their share.

Of course 18 is old enough to know how to clean a house to a good standard.