To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

[jennymanara]

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

Quite agree, WeirdPenguin.

Oh, and I still remember with shock and amusement the one that came to the university open day with his mother!

You must be very easily amused and shocked then. You've no idea what's going on in a family where the parents turn up too, what the background is to that. My eldest has autism though looks completely fine and I will no doubt be that parent hovering around in the background because he will want me there mostly because he doesn't realise that he should be too cool to need me there. I'm not saying all those who attend with parents have conditions that require extra help but a significant percentage
will and there you'll be busily smirking and raising your eyebrows at anyone who will join in with you.

Ah my mum would 100% have done this for me, no question. Guess what? I'm a functioning adult with my own family but she still helps me out with stuff if I ask her 😱

I'm mid20s, a homeowner, have my own family and my mum still comes round at least once a week to do my cleaning. I also go to hers for tea one night per week and she looks after my son at least one full night and day a week!

AIBU to find people who spend their time eye rolling and tinkly laughing at other people (who they know nothing about) instead of getting on with their own lives just a tad immature.

Oh and when we moved house recently we had my mum, MIL and SIL to help us leave everything clean. We were 31 😱😱😱

We've always helped each other with things. It's more fun and it feels good. It doesn't mean that any party is incompetent. It's about showing love and care and being a supportive unit.

I help each of my daughters, and they in turn help me. Most tasks are much easier with more pairs of hands, and it certainly makes them more fun. And with each task that the other two pitch in with, we feel more loved and cared for.

It is a bit pathetic though.

but you are talking about a student complex. Have you seen Withnail and I? Or the Young Ones?

Student housing from private landlords is very variable, and often managed by quite dodgy agents. Taking on your first tenancy, when there is a huge rush to find somewhere and a queue out the door within an hour of a flat coming onto the market is a challenge.

I liked DDs flat, but DH who had been to Oxford and lived in a lovely college, probably with its own dreaming spire, was beyond shocked. It was a dump but a Georgian dump in a great area. Almost all DDs friends had deductions, quite probably because the letting agents could, knowing that groups of students were not organised enough to fight. I helped DD annotate the check in inventory and then draft an assertive letter telling the agency that there were no grounds for deductions and the deposit needed to be returned in full. Next time she will do this herself. Dutch students, I have no doubt, would cope supremely with the real characters DD was renting from. I felt that without a bit of parental mentoring it would be an uneven fight.

A friends child studied in Holland (Masters level though they considered it for UG ). They went to the UG Open Day as there was a lot to consider. Dutch degrees are different in structure and content, plus accommodation provision is apparently different with a lot of students living at home. Perhaps they are the ones who were spotted at the open day.

My mum came 3 hours to help me clear out my rented flat. Landlords in the area were very quick to charge for the most random things.

*Needmoresleep there are very few British students studying in The Netherlands as postgraduates. Loads from the rest of Europe though. The student with his mother at the open day was actually at my undergraduate in the UK. And no, he wasn't autistic, or AS, he was extremely mollycoddled (he ended up in the same halls). I was a very shy and untravelled undergraduate myself, but part of the excitement was working how to get to the uni myself by train and so on.

I liked DDs flat, but DH who had been to Oxford and lived in a lovely college, probably with its own dreaming spire, was beyond shocked. It was a dump but a Georgian dump in a great area. Almost all DDs friends had deductions, quite probably because the letting agents could, knowing that groups of students were not organised enough to fight. I helped DD annotate the check in inventory and then draft an assertive letter telling the agency that there were no grounds for deductions and the deposit needed to be returned in full. Next time she will do this herself. Dutch students, I have no doubt, would cope supremely with the real characters DD was renting from. I felt that without a bit of parental mentoring it would be an uneven fight.

I did that myself without parental input, and a lot of students do similar now. They are very on the ball. I also remember asking one landlord for evidence for a proposed deduction and them just giving up and giving me my full deposit back. I actually feel bad about that now because I did cause marks on a new carpet. I used to bring my bike in in case it got stolen

What nasty & superior posts from some of you.

When I moved house my mum sister & sisters in law all came to help clean as did my dds. When my student dd has moved I’ve helped her clean - why wouldn’t I? Or maybe I should just watch & supervise so it takes twice as long?

You know what, my parents didn't help me with this kind of stuff and I wished they would.
At the point that either of my boys asks me to help with this kind of stuff I will be there doing it with them (not for them).
For me parenting doesn't end at the point the offspring are eligible to vote.
They are not mollycoddled they cook and clean at home now aged 12 and 15. I will help them in anyway I can in the future.

Oh my God, for the last time, my DD was laughing at the ridiculous idea of me cleaning up some other student’s crap, not Need’s daughter who she has never met and knows nothing about.

Need’s daughter was not even mentioned by me.

Me: There’s a daft thread on mumsnet where the majority of poster’s are talking about helping their kid’s clear up after uni.

DD: (laughs) Bloody hell, catch you doing that. Last time you picked me up you buggered off out with Dad while me and the girls finished up.

Some people seem absolutely determined to find offence where none was intended.

And I’m so irritated all my apostrophes have gone to shit.

Believe me if me and DD were having a chuckle about someone i’d Own it.

I think its perfectly acceptable for a parent to help their children clean their house at an end of tenancy so they get their deposit back, particularly if its the parents deposit which it is likely to be

A lot of people are being very patronising on here and need to come off their high horse.

I'm moving next weekend and my brother is helping with the heavy stuff and my mum is helping me clean the place so I get my deposit back.

We could cope without them but I'm very very grateful for their help.

Yes. It's quite normal for parents to help grown up children in any way they can. Just because some don't, or can't, doesn't mean those who can should not.

Our DS & four other students took a rented house in Yr 2. Many landlords in our experience charge huge rents for the most run down, barely decorated rooms.
All the parents took cleaning materials & set out to try & get the house in some sort of livable condition. The students all helped too. This happened when our other DS were at University too. Family helps family!

We have done this several times! Word of advice take photos on moving in day and moving out day.
There are loads of awful student landlords (yes you "varsity housing") who will claim the house was left messy when your photos prove otherwise.
Similarly will try to keep the £500 deposit for a stain on the carpet that photographs show was there on arrival.

I think for an end of tenancy clean it is all hands on deck. My parents and I helped my sister clean her house as her housemates were lazy as and she would not have got her deposit back if the house was not totally clean

By the same token should I not help my elderly parents in law to move? They are adults after all. We all muck in and help each other out. That’s what families do in my book. I like hanging out with my adult kids.

Nice one, tinkly

OP you’re absolutely right.

Back in the day 21 year olds fought for their country. Some of this batch of 21 year olds can’t even clean their own house.

Fighting for your country and having friends/ family muck in for an end of tenancy clean aren’t mutually exclusive!

Atia, 4x£20 makes £80, or is my maths wrong.

Don't know where you got 4 from, it was a house of 7, and as I said, they arranged £150 off their deposit for the cleaning. So £21.42 each I guess!

But then I am quite happy to accept that I am a less good cleaner, a less good parent

Feel free to take as much offence as you like! All I said was that it had never crossed my mind to go and clean my daughters' houses. I made no comment on anyone else's choices, and no doubt you actually think I'm the terrible parent for not offering

I'm on the fence with this one. My parents would never have helped me and I've lived on my own since the age of 18. I've lived in house shares and it was revolting at times.

I did help my DS when he moved out of his first year uni accommodation as I had to collect him and his possessions anyway. I told him to pack and clean before I arrived. Was pleasantly surprised when I got there and all I did was put the hoover and duster round and wipe a few scuffs off the wall. Less than 20 mins work while he and DH loaded the car. I wouldn't make a specific trip to do his end of tenancy clean as he is capable of doing bit himself, but if I'm there to help him move and out I'll gladly assist