To worry about the resilience of adults

[MyKingdomForACaramel]

Am not trying to come across as goady or insensitive but have seen a distinct upturn recently both irl and online of adults not being able to deal with, what are essentially day to day life/set backs in a rational way -what was once a mishap is now a crisis.

To be clear I’m not talking l about those suffering with mental health issues (I have had my own), but more generally

There have always been adults like this. My mum calls them creaking gates - delicate, unable to do things, complaints but no real health issues. May have been easier to hide it in past as expectations were lower. 2 women I know of now late 70s/80s both never really worked outside home, had 1 child and used to phone husband at work to constantly come home over trivial stuff. Couldn’t drive or use public transport alone, husband accompanied them shopping to hairdressers etc. Again I know another lady from that era never lived alone, never been to opticians alone or bought train ticket or been to supermarket alone.

*When you make life too easy, you become fragile not strong, that is the issue. People have not had chance to build their resilience through hard times because they have been protected so much from them.

I think that the evidence is the opposite actually. People who have had stable, secure, happy "easy" childhoods are if anything more able to cope with difficult events as adults.

When you make life too easy, you become fragile not strong, that is the issue. People have not had chance to build their resilience through hard times because they have been protected so much from them.

I think that the evidence is the opposite actually. People who have had stable, secure, happy "easy" childhoods are if anything more able to cope with difficult events as adults.

There but for the grace of God go I. Until you've walked a mile in their shoes YABVU!

Dungeondragon15 but surely you can have a stable, secure, happy childhood that is not too easy? Where is the evidence that easy childhood's are better?

You could argue that it is 'easier' for a mum to pack her 14 year old daughter's school bag because she'll do it quickly, will put everything required in it and will ensure it is ready for the morning. Surely be to goodness, anyone can see that this doesn't make it a good life lesson? What are you teaching your child by doing that - fuck all.

I think you have to give a child a secure and loving home where they can make mistakes and learn lessons from those mistakes. What I see nowadays is the removal of opportunities to make mistakes, to completely wrap the child in cotton wool so that they are utterly removed from all challenges - even that of making their own lunch or walking to the shop to get some milk.

@Yabbers I’m not really judging more observing.

That said - it does impact on everyone, if you manage, marry, support or have a relationship with someone who has strong sensitive reactions to what could be considered minor stuff there is a fall out.

For example if someone at work cannot take slightly negative feedback without a big reaction - that could have an impact on the team.

If you choose to live with someone who will get super stressed over what many would think minor issues - that could have an impact on your own wellbeing.

*Dungeondragon15 but surely you can have a stable, secure, happy childhood that is not too easy? Where is the evidence that easy childhood's are better?

What do you define as "easy"?!

Dungeondragon15 but surely you can have a stable, secure, happy childhood that is not too easy? Where is the evidence that easy childhood's are better?

What do you define as "easy"?!

I'll admit I've been an emotional wreck the last two years. It's down to a lot of factors which separately dont seem that big a deal but together are making me quite emotional. My husband, I don't know how, puts up with it because he understands why I am this way. My mother on the other hand has had a very different life and so doesn't understand and can get quite frustrated with me.

I think it's hugely unfair to judge someone's situation until you have walked in their shoes.

The kid crying over a B might be under a lot of pressure from parents who post non stop about how clever he/She is.

The mother upset at being at home all day with kids could be desperately lonely and extremely bored.

I think we, as a society, need to remember that some people have dreams and aspirations and when these are not met it can be very upsetting to feel you are trying so hard but being left behind through no fault of your own.

Dungeondragon15 I gave you an example of easy in my last post.

Other "easy" things that parents do:

Don't potty train before their child goes to nursery because nappies are easier
Always dress their children, so primary age kids can't get changed for PE without help
Wade into every single thing at school, so that the kids never have a chance to sort things out for themselves
But most of all this do everything for their children, so their children never learn for themselves

Secure, happy and stable is the key. Anything else is just window dressing.

I think you have to give a child a secure and loving home where they can make mistakes and learn lessons from those mistakes. What I see nowadays is the removal of opportunities to make mistakes, to completely wrap the child in cotton wool so that they are utterly removed from all challenges - even that of making their own lunch or walking to the shop to get some milk.

People who say that either don't have any children or only very young ones. What is your experience?
Having two older teenagers I see no evidence at all that they or their peers are "wrapped in cotton wool" and experience no challenges in life. Far from it. There is far more stress to pass exams etc. Anyway, do you seriously think that teenagers today don't walk to the shop for milk or that it would make any difference to their resilience anyway?

I was plenty independent enough as a youngster, wasn't abused or traumatised. I enjoyed schoolwork, enjoyed the responsibility of being alone in the holidays, worked from an early age (well had a side gig from the age of 8, added in frequent babysitting at 13, didn't actually work properly until 16). I had a gap year, handled uni well, have a happy marriage, am a decent mum, good relationships with my family and in-laws. But my body or mind can't cope with work stress. It does involve working with people in crisis, but it isn't really that bit I can't cope with, it is dealing with management that makes me shake / nauseous / suicidal. It's like I want to disappear every day. I have lost my ability to focus, which impacts on the quality of my work which makes me feel inadequate, so the cycle deepens. It is physical as well as mental -chest pain, palpitations, cramps, aches, brain fog. Sometimes my voice shakes like I'm crying.
I hope a change of job fixes me.

I've already said further up that my youngest is 17!

^Don't potty train before their child goes to nursery because nappies are easier
Always dress their children, so primary age kids can't get changed for PE without help
Wade into every single thing at school, so that the kids never have a chance to sort things out for themselves^

All of which could be down to SEN, which is much more common now.

Don't potty train before their child goes to nursery because nappies are easier
Always dress their children, so primary age kids can't get changed for PE without help
Wade into every single thing at school, so that the kids never have a chance to sort things out for themselves

So you are actually talking about very young children not doing various things such as potty training and are just assuming that they will have no resilience as adults as a consequence. What a ridiculous extrapolation.

You are right floribunda18, I should have added NT children - who still make up the majority of children in the UK. As a parent of a DC with autism, I am aware of the additional challenges posed for children with additional needs and absolutely was not talking about them.

No, Dungeondragon15 - you asked for examples of easy and I gave you some. I'm not extrapolating anything - but you clearly were when you thought I either had no children or toddlers!

If you choose to live with someone who will get super stressed over what many would think minor issues - that could have an impact on your own wellbeing.

Then you choose not to marry them.

Overall, I’d say it’s a pretty small thing for you to worry about. I assume you’d have the resilience to deal with it if you were in the situation where it would impact on your life.

I've already said further up that my youngest is 17!

In which case why are all your examples of wrapping children in cotton wool referring to very young children. Are your 17 year old's friends wrapped in cotton wool?

No, Dungeondragon15 - you asked for examples of easy and I gave you some. I'm not extrapolating anything - but you clearly were when you thought I either had no children or toddlers!

I didn't say that you didn't have children. I said that those who make those comments usually don't or only have toddlers as I thought your comment demonstrates a lack of knowledge of what teenagers and young adults are like nowadays. Now I see you should know but just don't.

@Elliebellbell and @MyKingdomForACaramel

Thanks!

Having two older teenagers I see no evidence at all that they or their peers are "wrapped in cotton wool" and experience no challenges in life. Far from it

Quite. DD1 did the Kent test aged just over ten. Spent the prior summer revising for that. When just turned 11 she started to get the bus ten miles each way to school. My school was 2 miles away by bus and I didn't have to pass a test to get in. DD1 and DD2 are learning far more difficult stuff, earlier, than I did at school. They have both had homework since before they turned five and have had national tests in Y1, Y2, and Kent test plus Sats in Y6.

They are growing up in an insecure world with fucking fruitloops in charge of the UK and US, a world where there is a serious risk that humanity will be obliterated in their lifetimes. The snowflakes!

Dungeondragon15 - as I said in my earlier post - yes, some of them are. They haven't been on public transport, have never bought groceries, cooked a meal for themselves or been left home alone for anything more than a few hours.

Eldest DC, the one with autism, has spent his first year at uni astonished by the number of his counterparts who can't cook for themselves, can't understand how to manage money, can't hold down a part-time job, can't meet deadlines, whose parents had to clean their rooms at the beginning and end of term etc. Whilst I accept that some of them might have additional needs, which make all those things difficult for them, I also think that some of them have never had to do any of these things and so they can't/won't do them.

Now I see you should know but just don't. What don't I know? I'm offering a point of view you differ with, that doesn't mean you need to start suggesting I don't have the right age children to comment or that I don't know!!!!