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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry about the resilience of adults

386 replies

MyKingdomForACaramel · 18/07/2019 22:40

Am not trying to come across as goady or insensitive but have seen a distinct upturn recently both irl and online of adults not being able to deal with, what are essentially day to day life/set backs in a rational way -what was once a mishap is now a crisis.

To be clear I’m not talking l about those suffering with mental health issues (I have had my own), but more generally

OP posts:
MyKingdomForACaramel · 18/07/2019 23:28

@redexpat - great explanation

OP posts:
MyKingdomForACaramel · 18/07/2019 23:30

@RosaWaiting I’m trying to think of one that isn’t too specific to people that I interact with

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DearLady · 18/07/2019 23:31

I’ve noticed this, too.

Me (43) & another guy, on a recent work assignment (age 30) were willing to shut up & put up with a certain amount of crap that came with the job. Because we’ve always done that, in our working lives.

The three others (age 20/21) were absolutely militant about what they would & would not do. Absolute drama queens about minor work stuff, and had no problem taking time off sick / wanting days off.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 18/07/2019 23:34

@DearLady this is sort of the crux isn’t it. The reality of work is that sometimes it will be shit. Sometimes we won’t have enough money to do what we really would love to do, and sometimes we will have to deal with difficult people. That’s life.

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Lockheart · 18/07/2019 23:41

I think there is a strong combination of factors at play:

People are coming into the workforce much later in their lives than before. Gone are the days you could leave school at 16. For a large proportion of the population their first full time proper job won't be until they're 21/22 when they come out of university, which they had to go to in order to try to get a decent job (NB I don't necessarily agree with this, but it is the prevailing message to school students).

And don't forget the tens of thousands of uni fee debt; something that previous generations did not have to deal with to such an extent, if at all. £100 less in your paycheck every month is not to be ignored.

Jobs are harder to come by and competition is fierce, even if they're not very good jobs. So messing up at work is likely to be more worrying for people as they won't want to lose their job because it may be difficult to find another one. Job stability is poor.

This is especially pertinent when you consider how costs of living have risen much faster than wages. The fact of the matter is that young adults now have much less disposable income than those of 10 or 20 years ago. They have less savings and safety nets are small to non-existent for many. This adds to stress levels.

Housing is also very very expensive compared to the past 20 years. Rent is through the roof and is often transient. Many young adults cannot afford to buy a house because they cannot save a deposit due to paying high rents, so they have to rent because they can't buy... And so on and so forth in a vicious circle.

Interest rates are also very very low. It is even harder to save now.

Widespread exposure to technology (social media etc) is also a known stress factor. And in part this is entirely voluntary, but we shouldn't ignore how addictive technology can be.

Maybe adults are less resilient now than they were (it's hard to tell, as the plural of anecdote is not data, as we all know), but for my money I'd say humans are just as resilient as they've always been, but they have a heavier combination of economic and societal factors weighing on them than recent generations had.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 18/07/2019 23:41

@Elliebellbell I hope things are improving for you. I had similar myself and it does get better xx

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AllSweetnessAndLight · 18/07/2019 23:41

You underestimate how big a problem MH is in society in today's world IMO. It is more complex than an inability to cope.

Elliebellbell · 18/07/2019 23:48

It depends on personal circumstances too. DH got his payslip today, his company were bought over recently and they've messed up tax codes big time, everyone was taxed at BR this month. For us it's an inconvenience but one guy he works with was absolutely beside himself, clearly every penny is important to him and he can't wait another month till it's sorted out. As I said you just don't know how difficult some people have it.

Persea · 18/07/2019 23:50

@gifdaft hit the nail on the head. “Stress is an everyday part of life” but I’m not sure we enable, equip or help people to manage it very well anymore. There does seem to have been an increasing focus on extra support, mindfulness and a whole host of other stuff. But equally healthy stress exists, not everyone is going to succeed at everything and resilience is necessary to learn to deal with this.

Tallgreenbottle · 18/07/2019 23:56

@broken11girl is it bollocks. It is something you (should) learn as a child by being allowed to work through your emotions. A number of the current generation of young adults and kids have been pandered to so much with lazy 'give in to anything/everything' parenting that they genuinely have none! No skills in the resilience department at all!

FFS there are even books on it now, because so many kids were just handed whatever they wanted when they wanted.

And whenever anything went wrong parents shoved/offered whatever they could at them to stop the meltdowns. Instead of letting them happen and the kids getting a chance to work through it emotionally. Like you have to know how to do to as an adult to be a well balanced and emotionally stable human bloody being, ffs.

mindproject · 18/07/2019 23:59

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Lots of people are dealing with all kinds of stressful situations, you might just be witnessing the final straw in a big pile of problems.

Plus, I don't see emotions as a bad thing. Why should we cover up being genuinely upset/angry/frustrated? Some things in life are completely shit. I can't stand people who pretend everything is fine when it isn't; how does that solve anything? Fake people are the worst kinds of people.

Lockheart · 19/07/2019 00:00

@Tallgreenbottle I don't disagree with you, but the fault lies with the previous generations who raised them, not the young adults themselves.

SausageSimon · 19/07/2019 00:02

@Lockheart couldn't agree with you more Lockheart, I think pressures from all areas of life are on the rise. I think social media particularly shines a light on and intensifies all of the issues too.

RubbingHimSourly · 19/07/2019 00:02

Totally agree.......and I believe the internet is to blame for 99% of it.

From loss of jobs due to most things being at the tips of our fingers these days right down to the perfect insta life making everyone feel that what they have can never be enough.

doskant · 19/07/2019 00:02

I don’t know how anyone can judge another person’s resilience without having walked in their shoes. You have no idea what factors are at play that may contribute to their apparent lack of resilience.

Many people have told me they see me as extremely resilient given the many traumas I’ve been through in my life. I’m relatively unaffected by many stressors that seem to floor others.

Yet yesterday I had a cry in my car when Siri ignored me. Pathetic. In my defence I was having a bad day. Confused

RosaWaiting · 19/07/2019 00:03

DearLady that’s interesting

I find the ones in my age group much less willing to put up with shit at work, I thought because we are more likely to have savings and find it easier to run away. Also, what’s wrong with anyone needing sick pay when sick and taking days off as part of annual leave?

Tallgreenbottle · 19/07/2019 00:08

Oh no I agree @Lockheart, that's what I'm saying. It was the parenting that has resulted in this, mostly. I don't blame the kids or young adults directly.

When I used to have to hire younger staff for big new client campaigns (support staff for back office blu chip rubbish) it would be nipped in the bud sharpish and as management I'd sort of retrain them to an extent without them realising. I used to create small issues (that weren't really issues) so we could problem solve them as teams/as a team and build up from it so they'd all learn the skills of how to handle things going tits up.

Nothing, actually nothing, is ever really a crisis. It's just a problem to be solved 🤷 or a project to be planned.

jennymanara · 19/07/2019 00:13

I agree OP. And it is worrying.
The person who said lots of jobs are shit - that is true, but it has always been the case. And certainly when I was younger I was used to working conditions that are now illegal.

stayclosetoyourself · 19/07/2019 00:19

Well you are being very unreasonable to criticise others for not coping.
Not coping is a mental Heath related issue .

GrabbyGertie · 19/07/2019 00:23

I'm s teacher and young people's reactions to not getting top grades are alarming

Do you think it's their fault though? They get bombarded by teachers, parents and the media about how important schools Work and exams are. All the time and from a young age too. You have to get into a good school, you have to be in a top set, you have to do well in your SATs, your GCSEs, your A levels, your degree. It continuous.

I so, so glad I went to school in a time where a lot of parents just left the schools to get on with it and everything felt a lot less pressured.

jennymanara · 19/07/2019 00:24

Simply saying it is a mental health related issue is too blase.
We know that there are things in children's upbringings that can increase the chances of good mental health, or make that less likely. If more and more young adults are struggling to cope with basic stress, then there is an issue in what we are all doing to prepare them for life.

AquaPris · 19/07/2019 00:29

Meh, worry about yourself.

Some people are orchids and some are dandelions - let them crack on. So patronising.

AquaPris · 19/07/2019 00:32

Also maybe younger people aren't willing to put up and shit up and would rather change working. Conditions and expectations for the good of all.

Having no problem taking a sick day is not a negative. I'm sick of people sneezing and sniffing all day it's vile.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 19/07/2019 00:33

I know someone in therapy because her mother didn’t breastfeed her. I’m not even joking.

TightPants · 19/07/2019 00:35

Completely agree OP.

Gifdaft nailed it.

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