WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

His sil had her sibling at her wedding so she should have invited dh. But didn't.

Whatisinaname
Oops I meant asking the two youngest scattering flowers. I know the 16 yo won’t want to participate.

OP, seeing as your attitude is it's 100% about the two of you I am surprised you asked the question as you already know your answer.

I had only met my (husband's) niece three times when we got married and she was thrilled to be part of it. Wouldn't have been right to have a wedding which was bringing the families together and leaving her out.

Her husband isn't bringing the family together. He's allowed to have his friends.

This may come out sounding rude and I'm sorry if it does it's not meant that way

yes it's your choice whom is in YOUR bridal party. Stop with the it's and buts of what might be said and bite the bullet and tell them or announce your bridal party and then see what the fall out is and deal with it from there as you will wind yourself up more with the multiple outcomes it could be and not what it will be

I think YABU. Ask the 16 yo to be an usher. She can wear whatever she wants. The two younger ones can be flower girls in matching dresses from some high street shop, with baskets of petals to scatter. Their names can go in the programme if there is one.They are going to be your family. It would be a poor show to leave them in the pews and a kind gesture need not cost much at all.

Ffs. You’ve got it all worked out considering it’s nothing to do with you. 🙄

I did this chose my sister and her daughter my niece. Ignored the other nieces on his side. One kicked off the others didn’t. Bridal side i agree.

I wouldn't have chipped in unless the OP had posted on a public forum, AlexaAmbidextra

None of this is anything to do with anyone, you included, if it comes to that.
.

She is being unreasonable both from a personal and cost pov. It doesn't need to cost much at all to include these girls and I have shown how.

Why is there an expectation for brides to have BMs from groom’s side but no expectation fior groom to have groomsmen / ring bearer from bride’s side? Seems like double standards.

So basically, all of their immediate family, apart from us..

OP, I thought YANBU even before you said they didn’t invite you. Fuck her, let her stamp her feet and tantrum. Start as you mean to go and don’t put up with it.

The sister is lucky she’s getting an invite at all let alone the CFery of expecting her dds to be BMs and paid for dresses! You reap what you sow.

None of this is anything to do with anyone, you included, if it comes to that. hmm.

I’m not the one telling her what she should do on her wedding day.

I may have misread but I thought the OP said there were no significant males on her side to be excluded. I had both our nieces as bridesmaids, my husband had all our nephews included on his (ie handing out orders of services and helping ushers show people to their seats).

I would have been hurt if SIL hadn't had my daughter as a bridesmaid. We're not close, but it's her aunts wedding, and meant a lot to my daughter to get a special dress and her hair done up

Ugh are parents really so self Are you bringing your girls up to swoon at the thought of being a bridesmaid/flower girl? Look my baby girl, you too can aspire to have a big white wedding too one day if you are a good little woman.

You could have got her a pretty dress and done her hair nicely anyway.

Not sure why you think you're the thread police, AlexaAmbidextra

If you don't like my contribution you are welcome to ignore it.

If I start an AIBU thread entitled 'AIBU to contribute to a thread on AIBU' you are welcome to have a go at me on that.

A wedding party is a combination of bridesmaids and groomsmen who are close to the bride and groom or either one of them that can represent them very well on that day.

@StrawberryAndRaspberryTea, you are not wrong when you say that bridesmaids are close to the bride but there is no right or wrong way to do things. When I got married, I had seven bridesmaids including MOH. Most were my friends and I included my husband's cousin as a wedding is about two families becoming one and I was not only marrying my husband but also his family.

You are not selfish if you do not include your husbands' sister or children but please remember these are children here we are talking about, not a full-fledged adult. While there may be a good reason, you sound negative towards your future SIL and her innocent children. Rather than worry about what your SIL wants, ask your husband what he wants and whether it is important to him to include his nieces in the wedding?

I would personally just make the younger one of 8 a flower girl and that's it. That way you are acknowledging his family. You do not need all three children involved and if you ask her to be a flower girl it works because the others will be two old. Then you have two flower girls and one MOH with no bridesmaids.

You could see this as an opportunity to get to know your SIL and include her in some of your planning as like I said before, you are not just marrying your husband but also his whole family and its best to start that journey off to a positive start.

but please remember these are children here we are talking about

Children aren’t the centre of the universe. They can go tot he wedding and enjoy the day as guests. They don’t need to be on show.

Young bridesmaids only walk down the isle in a posh dress, they can wear a posh frock at their parents expense.

I doubt anyone suffered as an adult because they were never bridesmaids.

When mum got married she only had the youngest sister. No bid deal.

StrawberryAndRaspberryTea

My comment that it's not all about you was in response to another poster who suggested it's all about the bride.

Yes, it definitely is you and your fiance's uniquely special day, one of the most important days in your lives, if not the most important.

But I don't agree that this official, formal occasion is all about the bride and groom. You have circles of friends and you have families - if you didn't then none of this would be an issue and you wouldn't be holding a grudge about not being invited to SIL's wedding.

You have a choice here - take the chance to show up SIL's rudeness by including her daughters, or stooping to her level by engaging in a tit for tat battle.

Using the exclusion of the girls as a means of getting back at their mother seems very petty to me and not fair on the girls. Their mother's behaviour is not something they are responsible for.

Stuck to your guns op and keep your chosen bridal party. I hate this pressure for women to be nice at the expense of what they want. Your DH to be sure isn’t sacrificing himself so why should you. If SIL pushes, say the girls can suit up and be mini groomsmen

Make sure your dp backs you up. Or even takes the lead on saying you are just having 2 for your small wedding.

If they are likely to be troublesome not having them as bridesmaids equals one unit of trouble. Having them as bridesmaids will probably mean several units of trouble over the months

Just keep it small op.
If they complain say it’s a small wedding and as SIL had what she wanted and who she wanted at her wedding, you will have what you want at yours.
Get your DP on side so if they kick of he can stop them by saying well I wasn’t even invited to your wedding so.....

It’s very simple, give them different roles like the chance to announce for people to gather around for the cake cutting, or announce for people to come and see the first dance etc.

It will send a clear message and seal the deal between you and SIL. It's up to you if you're happy to that or not really.

Your DP doesn't care and SIL hasn't asked you anything.

Marriage - two families joining together.
Wedding - the ceremony celebrating this union.
YABU.

It depends. If you're certain you don't want them, then don't have them. No one can make you do it. I was in a position where I felt I had to include a neice/nephew from each family on DH's side, and while I don't regret it now (I have a great relationship with all of them) at them time I felt resentful.

If you feel like you must, maybe consider it as a way to bond with your future neices, rather than making it about appeasing DP's sister.

If it must be about appeasement and inclusion, hand DP's sister a short reading so that she feels involved and can't say they weren't included. She can have her two minutes then sit down and shut up.