WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

I think it’s such a lovely opportunity for little girls to be involved in weddings, so I would feel way too harsh to not ask them to be bridesmaids. You don’t have to buy designer expensive dresses, and they would have such an exciting day, and remember it forever. So all things considered, I’d say YABU

I don't think that you are being unreasonable & I would stick with your original plans.

I would include the two little girls op, although you might not be close to them now. It's an opportunity for the girls to get to know you and like you in the future & your sil to think you're ok too.

YANBU in wanting your bridal party to be about you and those you love...but you are drawing a line in the sand and making it clear that his nieces aren't ever likely to be important to you.

In all probability they'll probably shrug their shoulders at their non-aunty not involving them. Irrespective of what your SIL did for her wedding this will rub her up the wrong way and it will almost certainly rub your MIL up the wrong way.

It's entirely up to you but as with couples who insist on child free weddings, just accept that your choice might ruffle feathers.

In your position I'd just be telling MIL that you aren't paying for anyone to be included in your bridal party, your maid of honour is sorting her outfit and that of her daughter so you can have a bridal party but that's it.

That conversation should give you a sense of how things will pan out and might help you decide how to proceed for a halfway decent relationship with your OHs family.

Perhaps I'm cold hearted, but giving someone an experience to be a bridesmaid just isn't a good enough reason for me to want them in my bridal party. I have plenty of cousins and friends who I could ask to be my bridesmaids, but I'm not, because it's a small wedding. We'll be having approximately 20-25 people at the ceremony itself... loads of my family (such as aunts, uncles, cousins and even friends) are only being invited to the evening part because of how small the wedding is, so I don't feel bad about them not being bridesmaids as they're still going to be there on the day, they still get to see us get married.

I've been to a few weddings as a child where I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid, and I certainly don't remember feeling left out. Alternately, had I been asked, I don't think it would've changed my relationship with the bride or groom had I been asked. I'm not sure how them being bridesmaids will drastically change my relationship with them. I've been with DP many years, if a relationship was going to be formed, it would have by now. But as it is, DP makes little effort with his family, and they make little effort with us - hence me stating that we only really see them all at birthdays and Christmas purely because it's the 'done' thing to do. I don't think me having them as my bridesmaids will automatically make us/them start seeing them more frequently and have some wholesome bond. It's not how he and his family do things.

I realise it's come across, since mentioning DP's sisters wedding, that I'd be playing tit for tat by not having them, but that isn't the case. I only clocked the fact that we wasn't even present at her wedding after I'd decided I only want my step sister and her daughter in my bridal party. Us not being invited to see SIL get married is just one small reason as to why I'm struggling to grasp why the onus should be on me to 'unify' our families.

FWIW, if DP himself really wanted them to be involved, then I'd do it for him. But he doesn't. He's more than happy for me to just have my step sister and her daughter, just as I'm more than happy for him to choose whoever the hell he likes for his 'grooms party'.

I think I'd take the moral high ground and ask SIL if they'd like a role in the wedding.

I'm sure the 16 year old would rather stick pins in her eyes but the 10 year old and 8 year old would probably love it. I'd tell her money is tight and come to an arrangement over dresses and who's paying etc. It might be short term pain for long term gain i.e a more harmonious family dynamic?

Cross post OP, I think you've already decided

Have a fabulous day - don't you just love families!

Yanbu.

They shouldn't and probably don't expect it. If you want to make a gesture ask SIL to do a reading (again you would not be unreasonable not to)

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Traditionally bridemaids have always been close to the bride, not members of husband to be's family.

This! They don’t actually become OP’s nieces until after the couple are married!

YANBU. The 16 year old would hate it, and quite possibly the 10 year old too if she's a mature 10 year old. It is a very small wedding, they probably won't even expect to be bridesmaids.

Op for such a small wedding stick with your plans.
I included SIL in my plans but wasn't allowed to know anything about her wedding in return. Really regret not just having my own sister and niece.

I don't think the DC's themselves will expect to be bridesmaids, and frankly, given how often they see us/we see them, I don't think they'd feel put out either.
It's just DP saying that his sister will expect it. He knows her well, and tbf, I also know her well enough by now to know it's definitely something that she'll ask, and also something she'll probably not-so-subtly be pissed off about should I decide not to have them.

If it does come down to that, I will find myself stuck in a tricky situation between having the wedding that DP and I want - a small wedding on a small budget, the bridal party and the groom party made up of only those closest to us... or agreeing to have children in my bridal party just to keep the peace even though we barely ever see them and that's unlikely to change with them being bridesmaids, it's an extra expense on an already tight budget, and lastly, I only want 2 people in my 'party'..

Of course you can ask whoever you want.

But I don't really understand the 'his family, my family' thing. By marrying him, they become your nieces and your family.

My DH comes from another country. When we got married I'd met his family once so we could hardly be considered close. I still asked his nieces (2 of them). 13 years later and they are grown up - I've actually seen only them six times because of the distance. But I talk to them regularly on social media, facetime etc, and they are not his nieces now, they are our nieces. I am very close to them now, and they often reminisce about being my bridesmaids. Despite not seeing his family often, when we do see them I am treated as part of the family, and DH is treated as part of my family. No issues with people being difficult as you often read on here.

We didn't draw lines in the sand about 'his' and 'mine' on the wedding day (he included a young family member of mine in the groom's party that I was very close to). But then we both come from families where there is a 'the more the merrier' attitude and new members are welcomed with open arms - we both have large extended families with loads of cousins etc . Asking his nieces was a bit of a no-brainer for me because I wanted to include his family to show they would be important to me. Which they are, looking at the bigger picture of the marriage rather than just the wedding.

You can of course do what you want on your wedding day but it is also about your marriage, not just the wedding, and what it represents.

I think that you should stand your ground, OP - until you marry your DP, those girls aren't your nieces! If his mother feels very strongly about including them in the wedding party... why doesn't your DP have them as part of his support team?

Many moons ago, when I was 3, I was forced into being bridesmaid at one of my uncles' weddings. I was furious about it all, and probably ruined the day for my new aunt. I was forced into a long frilly dress with a Victoriana-esque apron, had a garland shoved onto my hair (which was worn down, and kept getting in my face and annoying me, because I was used to it being plaited), a silk posy wedged into my fist and ordered to behave.

I didn't.

I distinctly remember having to be bribed to stand with my uncle and his new wife for the photos after the ceremony (I disappeared from where I was meant to be sat during the ceremony and went and crawled underneath the bench my grandmother was sitting in). Their other bridesmaid (who was a little older, I think) was angelically posing in front of the happy couple... but the only photograph of me, with them? I'm closely examining the texture of the lace on my new aunt's dress (or veil, I forget which). Fortunately, my uncle knew that I was a tomboy who hated dresses, and flowers, and standing still, so he wasn't cross with me... but I'm not sure that his bride did. She'd only met me twice before - and I think spoken to me, once, about the ratty old comfort toy I carried everywhere. I wasn't her niece and I certainly shouldn't have been included in her bridal party. Forty years later, I feel very sorry for her, as I know my grandmother and mother (my uncle's SIL) pushed for my inclusion "for the sake of the family unity". She should have stood her ground and said "no". No one tried to corral me, tie my hair back, wipe my nose as it streamed from the flowers and incense (allergies), or even really explain to me what was going on. At 3, I was convinced that my uncle's marriage would sever his bond with me - that my new aunt would steal him away from all of us. No one thought to explain to me that wasn't going to happen...and my new aunt was fantastic for the entire 20 years of their marriage. She was funny, and kind, and argued my case for me more than once. But I ruined her wedding day. So, not all small flower-girls/bridesmaids are well-behaved and cute...

Fastforward a few years and my own daughter was flower-girl, aged 8, at my best friend/her Godmother's first wedding. She thoroughly enjoyed the whole day, behaved like an angel, and even though we'd travelled miles and I was heavily pregnant at the time, she charmed everyone... so sometimes an older bridesmaid/flower-girl can work to the bride's advantage. If they know them well. I don't think you do know these nieces of your DP very well, do you, OP? Trust your instincts. It's your wedding... not your partner's mother's, or sister's.

My cousin's dd married and despite being a close family only had her dsis as bridesmaid. She didn't choose her cousin's 8 yr old. Both families mixed and it was a lovely wedding.

Enjoy your wedding

Make some little girls happy! And your future SIL and MIL - why go into a wedding being so bloody negative, it’s supposed to be a celebration and a day of families coming together 🙄

and FWIW when my BIL and partner get married wouldn’t be remotely bothered about my boy not being involved as he won’t care but generally little girls like to do that sort of thing!

I think it's ok to say no. I was worried my sil was going to have her nieces as flower girls and not my daughter, because my daughter would be devastated. I wouldn't have said anything about it because it's her wedding not mine. I just wouldn't have brought my daughter to the wedding.

Your wedding, your choice. I wouldn't worry about it. If your Fiance's sister says anything, just tell her we all get to make our own choices about our own weddings.... she might remember then, her own choices!

I'm baffled that people feel the need to insert themselves in other people's weddings. Why?

Interesting that the sister in this case didn’t invite her own brother to her own wedding but may now expect her DC to be bridesmaids at his. I find it amusing that the OP has been advised on here to make the SIL and MIL happy by letting the girls be bridesmaids. Lovely start to a marriage is making sure you do what the in-laws want whether you want it or not. Don’t start a marriage with that crap. Usually it’s a role for close friends or close family. OP do what you want, it’s your day and I wouldn’t even be worrying about it. Your DP may be worried his sister may expect that but he needs to deal with that nonsense....

Do what you want, it’s your wedding and if you want it a low key event on a budget then you have that. They can still wear pretty dresses and be part of the day

Totally get that you don't know them or feel the same way about them as you do your stepsisters daughter but for I would ask sil if she thinks they would like to be bridesmaids, there is good chance the eldest will not to being a teenager...
With regard to cost. If you shop in the sales and keep the dresses simple, they needn't cost a fortune.
I do think that it's worth starting off your married life being thoughtful and generous to your husband's family. Even if you don't end up close it's better than drama and bad feeling.

Yanbu. I invited my niece to be bridesmaid at our wedding despite not being close to her, she was about 7 and it felt the right thing to do.

We get on ok now but she was a bit of a pain about the whole thing (several years ago!). Didn't like her dress for starters. Scowled in all photos.

Still think it was the right thing to do but if there were 3 nieces I wouldn't have done so. I personally didn't want loads of bridesmaids. I had two grown up friends plus her which seemed plenty.

So in short if there was 1 I think you ought to but as there are 3 and you don't want a big bridal party YANBU. I personally don't like the idea of loads of bridesmaids/flower girls though feel it's ok if you have lots of people you're really close to.

If it is truly a cost issue, then I would make it clear that it is a cost issue. Tell sil to either pay up for nice dresses that are approved by you or you will have no bridesmaids.