WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

OP when we got married a few years ago I had my sister as maid of honour, my 2 closest friends as bridesmaids and our own children in the immediate wedding party. I didn’t ask my sister in law and I didn’t have my nieces as we were on a low budget also, I won’t expect me or my kids to be part of my sister In laws wedding other than guests. It’s your wedding do it your way

YANBU at all. Stick to your plan.

If her own brother wasn’t invited to her wedding then that changes things . Screw her ! Have the wedding you want . And congratulations 😊

I wouldn't If you don't to.
It's not just the cost but the extra work of getting them all together for dresses, rehearsals, keeping them happy on the day etc. You would hAve to rely on your SIL to be fully cooperative and you just can't.
Be firm from the start xx

It’s a tough one because of the 16 yo (in my opinion)

I was recently married and also ‘didn’t want lots of bridesmaids’ so I had my BFF and my teen counsin - then my other cousins girls as flower girls (10-8-6).

I didn’t ask DH’s sister to be my bridesmaid because she’s older than me and already married. She was perfectly happy with this.

Flower girl dresses aren’t ‘that’ expensive and they also don’t really require ‘hair and make up’ (would STRONGLY recommend JJhouse I was super pleased with my flower girl dresses from there) so it would be a nice thing for you to include them.

The 16 yo is the problem, pricey dress, hair and make up, shoes...etc

I was actually quite frugal (but they looked wonderful) my adults cost twice the price of my flower girls

Um. It's a tricky one. Trying to see from both sides here. I have only one brother and one small daughter. All three of us are very close (my bro with me and my girl). He's not married and doesn't have a partner at the moment, but if he would be about to marry, I would hope my girl would be included as a flower girl. I know she would be absolutely thrilled and I would cover all the related expenses (dress, etc), of course. Although I do agree it's the bride's choice, I would be a bit hurt, if my daughter wouldn't be included. I wouldn't say anything and wouldn't pout, though.

My mum (so THE MIL) would be absolutely livid, though. She's already a very difficult person and loves her only granddaughter fiercely. If my imaginary SIL would refuse to include my daughter, my mum would try her best to make her life a living hell. I disagree with this of course, but I know her well, she can be lethal if she wants to.

However, yours is a different situation. Your partner isn't concerned, there are three nieces, not one, you're supposed to cover their expenses, it's a small wedding and you're not close with them. So stand your ground, I'd say. Your stepsister and your niece. Maybe it would be different if it would be a grand huge ball with lots of people, but in your case, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

There is a bit of a drip feed but as you say you don't hold a grudge I still think it would be good to offer for the 3 other nieces to be flower girls. It is literally just throwing a few flowers from a basket. They could wear their own dresses and you add some bit of ribbons to make them match. The oldests might not be interested in doing it anyway but the 8 years old is the right age IMO.

It’s your wedding. Just do what you want. You will never keep everyone happy.

People spend too much time trying to appease family members when it comes to weddings.

I don't think tit for tat snubbing is a great way to start off your life as a member of an extended family. Be the bigger person. Set a better tone.

It is not 'all about you'.

Hopefully you are not an admirer of bridezilla behaviour.

It's about you and your extended family and your fiance and his extended family celebrating the new link between all of you.

Your wedding your choice. Why should you have them? I really don't get it.

I guess we're just different Math, but to me, the wedding day is 100% about the bride and the groom.

Have exactly what you want OP. You are not obliged to have DP's nieces. I hope you have a lovely day.

I've just come out of a serious relationship (he left me out of nowhere and I was gutted). One reason we didn't always get along was because of his SIL and MIL. Honestly, threads like this make me relieved he left because I know if we'd have ever gotten married I wouldn't even have a choice at my own wedding!
It's your decision, don't let them push you around. Have a lovely day and congrats!

I should have said his sister and mum, my SIL and MIL. Not my mum and sister!

I had no bridesmaids, MOH, or flower/ring kids. None. Did it the European way, with my sister and a couple of girlfriends on hand if i needed anything. I didn’t need anything. Technically a couple of mates signed as witnesses.

It was still a ‘proper’ churchy wedding, 100 odd guests. Was stylish, romantic and fabulous fun.

These ‘traditions’ don’t add anything that you can’t add in other ways. They are actually fairly recent additions to weddings, and a bit boring to boot.

Start your wedding planning from the point of view of ‘what do we want’ rather than hobbling together a mess of (to you) meaningless cultural expectations that maybe no one cares about anyway. Get it out of the way early with a clear ‘we’re going in a different direction’ statement to family. Don’t treat it like a play where you are obliged to fill certain roles for the audience. Only include things (from a base of zero things) that get chosen because they make you smile.

I have one sister, my husband two. I know one of his sisters really well and they're very close, the other not so much. When I asked two sisters to be bridesmaids his parents asked for the other sister to be one too. I also had my teenage cousins. It was a small thing for me - they didn't have crazy expensive dresses (ASOS do nice bridesmaids dresses), they wore their own shoes and did their own makeup so added hardly anything to the expense.
It's not the most popular opinion on here but my family believes strongly that weddings are about family not just about the bride and groom. It was a good chance to get to know his other sister better and picking the bridesmaids that I did made a lot of relatives very happy. They walk down the aisle with you and pose for photos - family members love having those photos. Then at the party you spend time with all your guests, not just your bridesmaids.
So for me I would go for it.

Why don't you just ask the 8 year old?(as a representative from that side of the family)

Strawberry
As we get older, life changes and we realise that weddings are not all about the b&g. I understand why feel like this. You’re at a different point in you Life to math and I. Once people become parents and grandparents, their perspective changes and family does become more important. Just something to bare in mind.

I also don’t think you should do tit for tat. By not asking your n’s you are recognising that you are not close with your sil or her dcs. Maybe one day this will be a choice that you regret. Your sil sounds very self centred. The children are not necessarily the same.

It is your wedding and your choice. I suggested wedding favours at the reception. But someone upthread suggested something much better. Asking the two eldest to wear dresses of their choice and scattering flowers as you arrive then sitting with their parents.

Yanbu.

Even without your update.

You aren't one big close family. Your db wasn't even told about his sister's wedding until the night before. Clearly you are both afterthought so the fact you are inviting them well in advance to the day if giving them a lot more than they give you.

Just set boundries and shut down any comments.

Asking the two eldest to wear dresses of their choice and scattering flowers as you arrive then sitting with their parents.

As a 13 year old that had to do this, there is no way a 16 year old would be thrilled with this. The 8 year old perhaps.

Is it a church wedding? You could ask them to do the offertory? Or if not handing out orders of service or favours or something? So they're involved but not part of the bridal party.

I can’t believe some of the comments on this thread
OF COURSE YANBU
It’s your wedding, not a UN summit meeting. Have as big or as small a wedding as you like.
And of course they aren’t your nieces when they’re his nieces and you don’t have a relationship with them. It’s totally fine to have your SS and her daughter as your bridesmaids.
I am astonished people on this thread held grudges for years about this stuff. It seems petty and daft to me.
Enjoy your day, OP

If you have your niece you should have his - you are getting married they will all be all your nieces !