WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

YANBU it's your wedding do as you like

I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times, and each time nieces and sisters from both sides of the family have been bridesmaid.

YANBU. Have exactly who you want to be your bridesmaids ie your stepsister and her daughter.
The nieces, and their mother, will presumably be invited to the wedding as guests, which is more than you were at hers.

I think YABU.

Ask the 16 yo to be an usher. She can wear whatever she wants.

The two younger ones can be flower girls in matching dresses from some high street shop, with baskets of petals to scatter.

Their names can go in the programme if there is one.

They are going to be your family. It would be a poor show to leave them in the pews and a kind gesture need not cost much at all.

You are paying for your wedding yourselves and your budget allows for your MOH and her dd to whom you are very close.

If I were your future MIL and thought my gc would like to be bms I might take you to one side and ask you if you would be happy with a larger bridal party if you could afford it. If you were happy to include them I'd give you the cash to fund them. I'd give you both a bit extra towards your wedding anyway so you didn't have to worry about costs.

It is a lovely idea to include both sides in the wedding but it is the bride and groom's day so if you don't want them then stick to your guns

Yanbu-but sometimes it’s easier to keep the peace. At my wedding we had my husbands daughter, her half sister (no relation to us) and two nieces on DH’s side.
Yes it meant we didn’t bother with adult maids with expense but the kids were happy and felt involved 🤷🏼‍♀️

There's a hell of a difference between two bridesmaids and five. It's a small wedding. The groom prioritises his friends and family as groomsmen, the bride prioritises her side and friends for bridesmaids.

I'd focus on the budget and the small wedding explanation if you're challenged though. Five is too many if you want a small wedding.

I didn't have DH's only niece or my only (step-)niece. Both were around 18 at the time. I had friends, one friend's 8-year-old daughter, a cousin and her 9-year-old daughter. We did have DH's niece as a witness though. We didn't have either of our nephews involved at all.

You have to choose who you want. Don't be railroaded. They could pay for the dresses, though, if they really do want the girls involved.

When you marry they will be your neices?

I know someone who got married 6 years ago. She had a MOH (best friend) and one bridesmaid - her cousin age 15. That was her mum's sister's daughter. Her dad's brother's daughter, so also a cousin (and also 15) was not asked to be a bridesmaid.

No reason at all why one should have been left out at all (no historic fallings-out between families or anything), but really, why would someone with two female cousins of the same age ask one to be a bridesmaid and not the other?

That sort of oversight is never forgotten.

I had my exDH's sister's children as my bridesmaids when I married my next DH. They'd never been bridesmaids and there weren't any other relatives likely to get married while they were still kids. If I hadn't asked them, they would never have had the experience.

Had a few questions so will try and answer them all now!

My step sisters daughter will be 5 and a half at the time of the wedding.

DP is only having his friends involved in his 'side'. He's only ever wanted his best mate as his best man, and two other close mates as groomsmen, so even if I had a brother or nephews, they likely wouldn't be chosen and I wouldn't hold that against DP in the slightest.

I don't view my DP's nieces as my nieces for the pure and simple fact of they're not my nieces yet currently, they're my DP's sisters children who we see maybe 2-3 times a year?

Those asking if DP's sisters kids have been bridesmaids before.... I've no idea! And im certainly not going to include them purely so they can 'experience being a bridesmaid'. I was bridesmaid for the first time at 23... I didn't feel I'd missed out on life by not being a bridesmaid as a kid

Regarding the cost of the dresses - our wedding is on a budget, and my step sister has offered to pay for her own dress as well as her daughters because she knows it'd just be an added expense for us otherwise. Plus, I paid for my own dress, make up and hair when I was bridesmaid at her wedding so it's like she's repaying the favour! There's no way SIL would pay out for three dresses, she'd more than likely expect us to cover that cost.

Someone mentioned the wedding not being 'all about me'.. I have to disagree in some respects and say that where my bridal party is concerned, it is in fact, and should be, about me. They'll be MY bridesmaids. DP doesn't care if his nieces are involved or not, he's chosen his best men/groomsmen and they're his mates, no one from his family or mine and I'm perfectly okay with that!

Don't be bullied in to anything you don't want to do. It's your wedding. Your choices. X

That sort of oversight is never forgotten.

I have 4 sisters - Bride asked for one volunteer
4 female cousins via auntie, one was asked to volunteer.

Nobody fell out

If you could afford the extra dresses, then I'd say ask them just to be kind, and for future family harmony. But if that's a budget hit you can ill afford, I wouldn't, no.

Anyone who would be an arse about whether or not their child was a bridesmaid is an arse, anyway.

*When you marry they will be your

Yes by law... but I know I don’t really view my DP’s nieces and nephews as mine, they’re DP’s. They were all already born / quite old when I met DP and I see them very rarely and don’t have much of a relationship with their parents.
They’re nice kids but they could be the neighbour’s kids to me 🤷🏼‍♀️ There’s no bond or attachment there and they don’t see me as their Auntie.
I assume the OP is the same. Not everyone is close to their extended family

You’re being unreasonable, and a bit mean. These are the nieces of your future husband. They are little girls who would have wonderful memories of being involved in a family wedding. It will only end up costing you a bit extra - flower girl dresses, shoes, bouquets, thank you trinkets - and will be no skin off your nose. A bit of kindness and inclusion goes a long way.

I’ve never been a bridesmaid and couldn’t care less. My best friend ran off to Vegas otherwise i’d have been hers. It hasn’t scarred me.

I never got to be a bridesmaid at all. Nor have either of my dd's and they are both adults now. Mine through not having any relatives; dd's through lack of relatives on my side and DH's relatives only asking siblings and cousins on the other side. It sucks, especially when you hear others saying "Oh, I've been a bridesmaid loads of times!" really what age are you?

I was one of the nieces many moons ago when my beloved uncle got married. I was quite hurt for many years (as was my sister) and my mum has never forgiven my aunt. It was the beginning of our side of the family being alienated and as such I don't have a relationship really with my cousins. My grandmother always believed strongly that you should include you future husband's family in the bridal party to show willingness to merge the families. I had my niece and SIL as bridesmaids, and my husband had one of my friends as his usher. If you can have the nieces, it's a lovely touch and means so much to children. Good luck with your wedding!

Mention that you’d like to have the girls but the sil would need to pay for the dresses . Then the balls in her court .

@StrawberryAndRaspberryTea Could you suggest they are flower girls and tell their mum you don't mind what they wear (thus letting her know you won't be paying). They can each carry a small posy of flowers and walk in ahead of you then take their seats with their mother. Then you and your bridesmaids walk in.
Your DPs sister and her family will be your extended family for a long time so it might be as well to concede a bit in this one.

I didn’t have my nieces and nephews in my bridal party because I was an older bride. I had three adult bridesmaids.

I did feel a bit mean because they are very sweet but the wedding was small, no children ( apart from them) and not at all traditional ( neither is our marriage) It might have been a bit twee? I had the older one to do a reading though as I thought she may have been the most put out.

Have them. Don’t be misery.

I was going to suggest that you told SIL that they could be BM's if she paid all their costs, but she sounds the sort who would start changing colour schemes etc to suit herself; so no, YANBU.

Also regarding the whole 'you should be bringing the families together' thing..
DP and I weren't even invited to his sisters wedding, despite them having a fair amount of immediate family there. Not sure where he sense of involvement and 'togetherness' was when she decided to not even let her brother be in the room when she got married 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔