WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

Or better yet, tell the biggest (honest) loud mouth in dh family so she can't gaslight youm

A wedding is a blending of families. It would be nice to include them.

You don’t have to, but it would be a nice symbolic gesture to ask them.

We only had a small wedding and I didn't want any children at it! I got married at 35 and wanted it to be OUR day.
Do what YOU want.

But it would also be nice for me to include the various other people that I could have in my wedding party, or even attending the ceremony itself... but we aren't.
I don't want a grand affair with various flower girls and bridesmaids, I know some people love the idea of lots of kids walking before them on their big day, but that isn't me. My step sister will be my MOH, and I'll have one flower girl because that's how I envision it.

I get that a wedding is a 'blending of families', but we're far from blended at the moment despite DP and I having been together for many years. Us getting married won't automatically change the dynamic that we have with his family. I hate to compare families, as I don't think it's right to, but for example; within my family, we all make an effort with each other and see each other often. DP doesn't arrange to see his family, and likewise, they don't bother much with us either resulting in perhaps maybe 2-3 visits per year. I don't see how a wedding will turn that all around.

Aw it’s a difficult one, op. I had my sister as my bm plus my future sil and future niece as mine. Dh’s sister was desperate to be bm and I had a good relationship with his niece so I really didn’t mind at all. However we did have quite a big wedding, and I know that if I were to have a small one i’d probably have no bms - or just my dds if they wanted to. I can see it from the POV of wanting a fuss-free wedding.

FFS How many obscene and crude letter set do Mumsnet use use to express irritation?
It is your and your husbands day. It is not your day day to heal rifts. Not your day to be manipulated.by every bleeding heart heart or person with a cause. And definitely not your day to be pushed into close confinement with people you do not to to be with.

It is your day to commit to the man you presumably love and want to spend the rest of your life with. I assume you are not planning for the sister or her children to live with you so you do not need to build bridges or heal everything. It is your wedding and not an international arms treaty conference.

You have your wedding party lined up. Job done. If this future SIL asks then it’s very simple. Something along the lines of ‘Oh, I’m sorry but the bridal party has been asked / booked / planned but thank you for the suggestion’.

It is your wedding, it is about what you and the groom want. No one else gets a say. Be strong and I wish you every happiness.

You could just say you're not having bridesmaids - which is true - you've got your maid of honour and a flower girl.

My nieces were flower girls (DH insisted 😒) and sister was MOH but I casually dropped in to a couple of people who might have expected to be bridesmaids that I wasn't having them. I didn't want a huge bridal party, like you.

You could have the two smaller nieces as flower girls too (but say to SIL you'd love to have them but are on a tight budget so alas can't afford their dresses).

Love all the posters going on about having dp’s nieces as flower girls and how little dresses are quite cheap! Seems they aren’t reading the same thread I am! These girls are 16,10 and 8. I’m sure the 16 year old would love to be a flower girl! The other posts about having them show people to their seats, carrying baskets of flowers to throw out, handing out favours etc. are equally ridiculous!

The op and her dp are saving up for their wedding and are only having 20-25 people during the day, therefore it would be ridiculous to have 5 bridal attendants!

Op says her future sil would expect her to pay for dresses etc. if she did ask her dds. She would also likely want to come along with them to help choose the dresses. Apart from the financial aspect, imagine the problem of finding dresses they all like!
Op’s dss is buying her and her daughter’s dresses, saving op some expense. Op’s dn will only be 5 and a half when the wedding comes along, the perfect age to be flower girl. The sil’s dds will be too old (I was bridesmaid for my sister when I was 10. I was taller than she was!)

@StrawberryAndRaspberryTea have the wedding the way you and your dp want. Do not ask anyone, you don’t want, to be your attendants. It’s your and your dp’s day,

Yanbu! This is you and your Husband’s wedding. It’s about you both making a commitment to each other. It’s not a day to bring family harmony especially when from what you have said it’s not reciprocated- You didn’t even get an invite to your SIL wedding!

I had pressure when I got married to have children from my side of the family in the bridal party. Which would have been nice if we were having a huge wedding, knew the children well and were actually having the roles people were begging me to let their children have. I caved and had three children as bridesmaids and flowers girls and I only did it to appease a family member. I regret it with the eldest as she was rude, bad mannered and caused a massive scene at the reception.

Also, why do some people think being a bridesmaid is a rite of passage every girl should experience? I’m 30 and I’ve never been a bridesmaid. All my aunts were married by time I was born and none of my friends are married.

"It's just DP saying that his sister will expect it. He knows her well, and tbf, I also know her well enough by now to know it's definitely something that she'll ask, and also something she'll probably not-so-subtly be pissed off about should I decide not to have them."
You see this woman 2-3 times a year. I'm not seeing a problem in her being pissed off.

Have the wedding you and your fiancé want to have; she is not the boss of you.

Op please yourself.

SIL wasn't exactly inclusive with her own wedding. The more people involved in choosing dresses etc the harder it becomes.

I tried to include my MIL and SIL hoping it would help form bonds for the future. Zero bonds were formed.
Hindsight I wish those days shopping for dresses could just have been me, my mum and sis.

As you’re having a small wedding, to would be fairly ridiculous to have a large bridal party, considering you also want to keep the costs down. SIL to be shouldn’t expect her daughters to be bridesmaids. I wouldn’t say anything. If she does asks, say something on the lines that she should understand, as she had a small wedding herself....(which you and your DP won’t invited to)

@StrawberryAndRaspberryTea

You do not need to justify to your future SIL why you do not want her children included. I would just not bring it up unless she does and if or when she does, just say as someone else mentioned, we are not having bridesmaids or...

I am not sure how you did it because we weren't there remember but on this occasion, we have chosen to have a small wedding so no bridesmaids. However, we are really excited to see you all on the day

No if you dont want them then dont. If there is an ongoing problem with his family anyway having the extra bridesmaids will not heal anything. If they refuse to go to the wedding at all because of it kind of sounds like a winning situation.

That fact that your DH wasn’t invited to his sisters ceremony would be reason enough for me.

It’s your wedding, have who you want. Don’t ask them just because you feel you should.

I have heard it done this way which may help. Just have the one adult maid of honour to help you. Then choose a colour scheme and say no further ‘actual’ bridesmaids but you would love it if the children wore clothes in X colour to complement the bridal party. They can then choose their own outfit and get involved if they so choose,without the difficult task of pleasing everyone with a single design! Perhaps you could offer to buy them all flower corsages or some jewellery as a token gesture!

I don't think you're being unreasonable

I was 'forced' to have my cousins as bridesmaids and was backed into a corner. Everything I chose was twisted at or changed to suit their tastes rather than mine. As a result, I look back at my wedding photos in sheer disgust that I was forced into those choices. I was always too nice to say no, but now I couldn't give a monkeys who I upset now.

Good luck in whatever you choose x

So what you want to do - just have step disinter and her daughter - good luck

Maybe you could still find them a special job to do on the day like help the Ushers or read something that is special to you. This would involve them in your big day . Just a thought

YANBU and your wedding day is not the opportunity for you to have to be unifier of the family! It's always the women who have to think of the family, make sure everyone is included, play nice. Men don't have to put up with this kind of emotional blackmail BS. You are not a meanie or selfish or a bridezilla.

A pp said she had included people to try and open the doorway to a better relationship and it did fuck all. And most likely will here too.

Hope you have a lovely day

YADNBU. Not least because in most cases you end up spending more of the day with your bridesmaids than anyone else if you're all getting ready together, so surely you want them just to be the people you're closest to. Not DP's random relatives. Nobody has the right to guilt you into spending more or having a bigger wedding than you want. It's YOUR day. I only had my sister as a bridesmaid and it was perfect.

If they're 16, 10 and 8, they're old enough to not throw a fit at not being flower girls. They're hardly 4-6 year olds who may be upset at being left out. It's your wedding not futureSILs, don't worry about it

If you feel that your wedding is ‘100% about the bride and groom’ then why are you having anyone else at all?? Just a couple of witnesses will do it! Weddings are a social event designed to invite the family & congregation to witness, celebrate and bless your union before God.

You have clearly decided (& selfishly imo) to make this event all about the two of you and your enjoyment. You’ve posted an AIBU but you only want opinions that validate what you want to do. Ok but as other POs have said, you will not be uniting your new family.

Bite the bullet and ask them. It’ll save heartache and resentment in the future for a hundred or so quid

Have the wedding you want, and she can have the tanty she wants.