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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL crossed a line today and to have told her so.

304 replies

BenWillbondsPants · 16/07/2019 18:49

It's DD's birthday today. MIL rang this morning to say that she would bring her present up today. I asked if she would mind leaving it until later in the week as a) DD is actually away on a residential and not here til Friday and b) I'm not well, feeling shit and wanted to go to back to bed.

She said she wanted to bring it today - I said, again, please can we leave it today. MIL says OK but I can tell not massively happy. She does like things her own way.

I go back to bed and fall asleep , I wake up to 7 missed calls from DH and call him straight back. He's walking out of work to come home as he's worried about me. I'm a bit confused and ask him why he's coming home and he tells he that his mum phoned him to say that she was outside our house and worried about me as she can't get a reply from the doorbell even though 'Ben is expecting me'. DH is worried that something has happened and gives her the code to the key safe so she can come in and check on me.

She then texts him a 'False alarm!' with a smiley face.

I go downstairs to find DDs birthday present sitting neatly on the kitchen table.

Who the fuck does that?

OP posts:
TruthOnTrial · 18/07/2019 10:28

Kath All she wanted to do was leave a present

Do you have any boundaries?

And, MIL are like this type comments

Just what? This is so untrue! I am not a MIL (just in case you were thinking I was being personally defensive), but there are some amazing MILs out there, whether they can offer help and support with dgc or not. I also think it can be a more complex relationship to navigate when its your DS's DC and not your DD's who you might be a lot more intimately close to as another female whose birthed and bf, etc.

This MIL has no boundaries or respect for others privacy and decency. Its horribly stalkyish. That she wants to be in a house by deception of her own DS, whom shes not thought twice about worrying sick to the point he was leaving work, is very very worrying, and locks/codes need changing. Shes not trustworthy, arms length only, even then, maybe not even that.

ralfeesmum · 18/07/2019 10:54

Which bit of "not today thanks" does she not understand? What you need is a medieval drawbridge and a moat right around the house!

I'm guessing she has a "forceful personality"?

Elle2019 · 18/07/2019 11:11

I think everything that can be said about your MIL has already been said.

It’s great to hear that you and your husband are such a great team and you are a super strong woman. You called her out there and then which many wouldn’t have done. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Original poster
BenWillbondsPants · 18/07/2019 11:23

Some people don't know which battles to fight, this wasn't one of them!

It didn't need to be a 'battle' at all @Kath246. She made it so by pretending to DH that I was expecting her and that she was worried something had happened to me. She lied to him to get access to our home and scared him half to death. I think that's a dreadful thing to do.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 18/07/2019 11:26

The thing about wanting to see the OP without her headscarf ....I find that extremely sinister, she wants to see her exposed and vulnerable so that she can feel superior and gloat about her daughter-in-law's misfortune
It's not enough for her to know that her daughter in law has suffered this she has to have the actual image in her mind so that she can really feast upon her humiliation, the loss of her crowning glory.

CupoTeap · 18/07/2019 11:34

Why didn't she want to wait to see dd when she was back and give it to her Confused

Ps you should change the codeWink

TheDandyHighwayman · 18/07/2019 11:37

Change the code? I'd be changing telephone numbers and address!

Motoko · 18/07/2019 11:52

I hate apologists, especially when they're supporting someone who is so blatantly wrong. I really don't know how, anyone decent, could think that MIL's behaviour was ok. You have to wonder if they have a similar, toxic, personality.

You really need to stop trying to facilitate a relationship with her OP. Your DH doesn't want one, so don't make him have one.

I hope the treatment goes well. You might find when your hair grows back, that it's completely different! When I lost my hair the first time, it had been straight, mousy, with some bits of grey. When it grew back, it was all grey, and very curly, like ringlets! The second time I lost it, it grew back straighter, but the first couple of inches were still curly. It felt really weird!

All the best. Flowers

Original poster
BenWillbondsPants · 18/07/2019 12:48

@Motoko to be honest I really feel that his relationship with her is up to him to sort out (or not) now. She does love the DCs and they love her and I don't want them to lose contact with her while they still want it.

I'm hoping mine grows back curly! Grin

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 18/07/2019 14:05

@Motoko two people I know who have regrown their hair after w has really curly hair grow back in.my brother always had blond, straight and very fine hair and it is growing back in massive ringlets. I wonder if it’s a part of losing a regrowing your hair in response to chemo.

TruthOnTrial · 18/07/2019 14:32

You also have to be real with them about her lack of boundaries or you aee teaching them its ok, ita very far from.

Tell them and arm them with this protective information about her. How else will they keaen that she behaves totally unacceptably at times?
This leaves them open to abuse.

You dont have to actively encourage a relationship with people who trample boundaries and are so creepy!

Tell them its wrong. Work it through as a family and make sure she isnt inappropriate with them. Bearing in mind her lack of regard foe your privacy.

Were you sleeping naked and bald on the bed? Its a likely scenario that she could have come up to have a look at.

How could she know everythings fine without having looked in on you?

Original poster
BenWillbondsPants · 18/07/2019 15:18

@TruthOnTrial

I have always been very open with them about what is acceptable, which is why I don't tolerate her behaviour. I would never leave them open to abuse from her or anyone else.

Were you sleeping naked and bald on the bed?

I have no idea why you need to know if I was naked or not.

OP posts:
PaddingtonBearHardStare · 18/07/2019 15:28

@BenWillbondsPants I assume that poster meant was your head naked ie no headscarf or wig

Motoko · 18/07/2019 15:29

@Likethebattle I guess it must be. It might be that the chemo affects the hair follicles.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 18/07/2019 15:50

What your MIL did was unforgiveable. At first it sounded mean, then you mentioned the chemo & then the effect on your DH. Wow!

Saying she 'just happened to be passing' (with the gift in her car???) is so something my FOO would've done. They were a bunch of gits & I went NC with them. They would turn up unannounced & insist on being let in.

I know you said you won't send the gift back, but my first thought was to drive over there & leave it in her garden.

I hope everything's going well with the BC. More power to you!

ifIwerenotanandroid · 18/07/2019 15:52

PS I think I just assumed BC. Sorry if I got that wrong.

CharityLady · 18/07/2019 15:55

All she wanted to do was leave a present. Perhaps she couldn't make it any other day.

In that case she could have said so, couldn't she? She obviously doesn't live too far away from OP, it would be easy enough to make alternative arrangements.

So much better to give her the code than to try and show who is boss. Not worth the stress it will cause between the three of them.

It wouldn't have caused any stress if the MIL had just said "No problem, I'll try another day" or asked her son to collect the present, or similar. What caused the stress was turning up when she'd been asked not to, lying to her son causing him to worry massively about his wife who has been undergoing chemotherapy, and sneaking into the house knowing her DIL is ill upstairs and doesn't want her to come.

Sometimes I wonder if people on here are hard of reading.

TruthOnTrial · 18/07/2019 15:58

I have no idea why you need to know if I was naked or not.

I have no wish to actually know! As i thought id explained, it's quite likely in the heat, and she has confirmed that you were ok, telling me thats shes been up and seen you (potentially naked!!) How else could she say?

Perhaps i should have written 'rhetorica' after, but l thought youd perhaps realise im not after salacious details unlike your MIL

Also, i wasnt saying you dont safeguard, just that you didnt respond and support a 'lovely relationship' i challenged that it really isnt so lovely.

Youve said how shes behaved, how you dh doesnt want to engage with her and his siblings have stopped, but you rate tour dc having a relationship with her. I pointed out its important to tell them what shes done and show an appropriate response to that type of behaviour.

You dont come across as being about that. You are trying to foster it, from what youve said.

PepsiLola · 18/07/2019 16:02

I don't think the poster asking if you were sleeping naked was asking in a wrong way.

More of a "bloody hell imagine if you were having a nap naked, how intrusive of MIL"

TruthOnTrial · 18/07/2019 16:05

Absolutely...i have no idea why OP has suddenly decided to accuse me of such a thing.

It seems pretty obvious to everyone else!

foreverhanging · 18/07/2019 16:58

Wishing you a speedy recovery op

nerysw · 18/07/2019 20:58

Crikey blimey to what you and your DH have to put up with. Well done for being strong and normal in all of this and good grief - what a load of bollocks to put up with. My friend used to sit in her house with me without her scarf or wig on and it was a massive thing which I appreciated as special, I cannot imagine anyone ever asking to be shown, that's private. People are so weird sometimes, I hope the supportive posts on this thread show that you're not in the weird sector. And..... by the way, they key code....

Casiloco · 20/07/2019 10:22

Have you thought of changing the code OP? Grin Grin Grin

And is your DH to blame for being totally on your side and not taking any shit from MIL?

Please Mumsnetters RTFFT!!!!!!!!!!!! Second F intentional

Well done OP and sorry to hear what a tough time you have been having - hope all is well very soon Flowers

Pembsgirl · 20/07/2019 22:01

So late to this thread, but just a shame OP didn't hear her come into the house, and arm herself with something so that when the bedroom door opened she could have walloped her one. She'd have thought twice about pulling that sort of stroke again.

Meanwhile OP, I think you sound like you're a fantastically strong woman, who knows what she's entitled to and will fight for it, while at the same time giving your MIL the opportunity, albeit undeserved by the sound of things, to have a great relationship with her GC. You should be really proud of yourself. I do hope that your health improves.

kezibear · 21/07/2019 15:23

@BenWillbondsPants
How much time lapsed between your husband giving her the code and him managing to contact you?
My suspicious mind would question if she had time to get a key cut.

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