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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL crossed a line today and to have told her so.

304 replies

BenWillbondsPants · 16/07/2019 18:49

It's DD's birthday today. MIL rang this morning to say that she would bring her present up today. I asked if she would mind leaving it until later in the week as a) DD is actually away on a residential and not here til Friday and b) I'm not well, feeling shit and wanted to go to back to bed.

She said she wanted to bring it today - I said, again, please can we leave it today. MIL says OK but I can tell not massively happy. She does like things her own way.

I go back to bed and fall asleep , I wake up to 7 missed calls from DH and call him straight back. He's walking out of work to come home as he's worried about me. I'm a bit confused and ask him why he's coming home and he tells he that his mum phoned him to say that she was outside our house and worried about me as she can't get a reply from the doorbell even though 'Ben is expecting me'. DH is worried that something has happened and gives her the code to the key safe so she can come in and check on me.

She then texts him a 'False alarm!' with a smiley face.

I go downstairs to find DDs birthday present sitting neatly on the kitchen table.

Who the fuck does that?

OP posts:
MarvellousMonsters · 17/07/2019 18:24

Can you cancel the cheque?

Wonkybanana · 17/07/2019 18:30

If your DH wants very low or no contact, then I think you have to support him. As many PPs have said, look at what she was prepared to put him through to get her own way.

It's his choice, and you shouldn't be overriding his feelings, however well intentioned you are.

if this is the straw that breaks DH's/the camel's back, so be it.

msmith501 · 17/07/2019 18:34

I would also make it very clear that she is never ever to let herself into your house without one of you physically letting her in! Before you know it she'll be going through your drawers and rearranging your china cabinet ..

TheFatberg · 17/07/2019 18:46

Now the jokes about changing the code and cancelling the cheque are becoming as annoying as people who commented that the OP should change the code in the first place!

Whatevertrevor19 · 17/07/2019 18:47

What a dick! My MIL is just the same, absolutely hate her

Goforitgirl · 17/07/2019 18:49

Oh I’d have flipped

ddl1 · 17/07/2019 18:51

Bringing the present against your wishes was idiotic and annoying, but there may have been some reason (e.g. that she had transport availability on that day and not others). But frightening your dh like that, and using your lock code when you were asleep, are another matter, and really intrusive to a scary degree. You should change your lock code. Has she always been like this, or could she have some serious mental health problem? Either way, you have a right to your privacy.

starfishmummy · 17/07/2019 18:54

What us it about MILs and grandkids birthdays?

My SN son is about to be 21 and every year we have arranged something for the family but MIL decides she will do what she wants anyway. I may try to remember them all and start a thread....

At least she doesn't do the other stuff though. (Yet)

pollymere · 17/07/2019 19:12

She's outright lied and worried your dh. You may have just not been in or been at a school event with no phones allowed etc. How dare she scare him like that?

FelicisNox · 17/07/2019 19:16

Nothing to add really, your MIL is a CF of the highest order but thankfully your DH knows this as well as you.

I agree on changing the code and as for the birthday present: put it away and when your DD gets home make sure you give her all YOUR presents 1st and MIL last.

Discuss with the hubster and get him to lay the law down with her... technically it's his job and you've told her already... and we're all mighty proud of you.

So refreshing when someone on MN actually tells the ass in their life to just eff off! 😁

Trudij123 · 17/07/2019 19:45

What a cow. So glad you’ve got the measure of her!!

My vote goes for cancelling the cheque, changing the key code and also I reckon penguin bollards could help...

DarlingNikita · 17/07/2019 19:48

She's a fucking loon. I'd have read her the riot act and then blocked all her numbers/email addresses etc, on top of changing the key code and basically making sure she couldn't get into my house or contact me any more.

TigerTooth · 17/07/2019 21:18

Unwrap the gift, replace it with something shite, re-wrap and deny all knowledge.

StCharlotte · 17/07/2019 21:55

Brava OP!

isn't it the weirdest thing for people to ask? Like you're some kind of exhibit or something.

If she asks again (assuming you're ever in the same room again) just ask her why. And keep asking. Enjoy her squirming.

Lou12124 · 17/07/2019 22:17

Definitely not all MILs are like that thank god! Mine is an absolute diamond and couldnt be without her!

I just feel sorry for you OP that you have to put up with that! Especially with everything that you have been going through...you think she'd have a bit more respect! Glad you changed the code! I really hope she tries it and mentions it to you or DH! So you can tell her because we dont want your nosy f beak about our house

EllenMP · 17/07/2019 22:26

Who is Ben?

TheFatberg · 17/07/2019 22:30

The OP is Ben. Read her username.

ElleMac44 · 17/07/2019 22:39

Sounds like she was trying to catch you out on something, no one does that, is she jealous of your marriage? And would love nothing more than to find you out on something to tell DH. Personally I'd distance myself from her, it's not on, it's an intrusion.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 17/07/2019 23:08

I'm sorry op, not read whole thread, but YADNBU and you could be me. This, exactly this, is my MIL, only with a few more tears and manipulation. We moved. She doesn't have a key for new house, we are not giving her one. It's hilarious watching her squirm.

federationrep · 17/07/2019 23:22

I am reading this with my jaw hitting the floor. She had absolutely no real concern about your health. If she did having gained access she'd have thrown the present down, but knowing you wouldn't like to be found without your scarf maybe a "hello Ben?" From the bottom of the stairs, repeat few stairs up, repeat at top of stairs, then a gentle knock on room door, then a louder knock and shout until she roused you. Then an immediate call back to her son to say "it's ok, Ben's fine". Presumably you're meant to leave the present in pride of place until DD returns. Fuck that, your DH should be taking it back saying DD doesnt need it or anything else. If that doesn't make her change her ways and beg for forgiveness then nothing will.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 17/07/2019 23:51

Ben sorry you have such a dick for a MIL, and that you've had such a shitty time lately.
Regarding your DH, he must've had such a fright, she was very much worse than 'unkind', you're far too generous!

My DH has a nightmare of a mother, and for some years I tried to facilitate their relationship but actually since they went extremely low contact he has been so much happier, it's like he's been set free. I'm talking phone calls twice a year type low contact. We used to argue about how to deal with her at times, now that stress has been removed too. Honestly you might want to give it a try, once you realise you don't owe her diddly squat it can be liberating!

Kath246 · 18/07/2019 10:08

All she wanted to do was leave a present. Perhaps she couldn't make it any other day. So much better to give her the code than to try and show who is boss. Not worth the stress it will cause between the three of them.

Some people don't know which battles to fight, this wasn't one of them!

GabsAlot · 18/07/2019 10:15

Ffs theres always one-why didnt she jsut tell her son then she wanted to leave a present why say shes worried about op and she was expecting her?

RoseAdagio · 18/07/2019 10:15

Oh wow....I just read your reply on page 3 OP about having lost your hair due to chemo. So she's up to this kind of stunt whilst you are receiving treatment for cancer?! And she didnt think that was a relevant factor when she told your husband that she was worried about you?

That is diabolical. I'm so sorry you and your DH had to deal with that at a time when you frankly have enough on your plate.

Good luck with the chemo and suffice to no YANBU at all!!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/07/2019 10:26

@Kath246 - did you miss the part where the OP is having chemotherapy, and told her MIL that she was feeling very unwell and was going back to bed? Or the bit about the MIL being obsessed with seeing the OP without her headscarf so she can see her post-chemo baldness? Or the bit about how she manipulated the OP's husband, and left him worried about his wife's safety, simply in order to drop off the present?

How can you not see that she has MASSIVELY overstepped the boundaries? For all the OP knows, her MIL came upstairs and peeked in at her while she was asleep - without her headscarf!

If she truly was only able to deliver the present at that particular time (which I do not find credible at all, especially as she didn't say to the OP 'I need to deliver the present then, otherwise I will not be able to deliver it at all'), why not leave it in a carrier bag, in a safe place, and pop a note through the door? Or ask her son to pop by her house and collect the present?

No reasonable person, who knows their DIL is undergoing chemotherapy and feeling, in her own words, like shit, and is going back to bed, turns up at the house anyway, and then phones her son, claims not to be able to get any response from her DIL, so he is picturing his wife collapsed in the house, unable to answer the door, and gives his mum the key safe code, just so she can get in and get her own way!!

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