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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is weird and not know of an easy explanation?

144 replies

JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 13:08

I recently ended a long relationship. Well actually he finished it, but anyway..
I was very upset at first; now a few weeks on I seem to be coping ok. I still think about him and still dream of him but day to day I'm managing. I haven't cried for a couple of weeks and am keeping busy.

He still has a lot of stuff at my house that he hasn't contacted me about collecting. I was going to send him a message about it this week now I'm feeling stronger.

However today on impulse I was looking on a property website and saw his property (that he only started renting 3 months ago).has now been re-let. This threw me because I know he loved the house, it's in a great location in his home town and I can't think of any reason for him to be moving (he works 100s of miles away generally in the week and house is a base, his family are local, he had already paid at least 6 months rent upfront plus he has plenty in the bank to have kept renting for years, if landlord was selling it wouldn't have been re-let etc) it just all seems weird. I'm concerned whether anything has happened to him (though I would have hoped his family would let me know if it had). As I can't think of any explanation other than that.

Is there an obvious explanation I could have missed?

Also as I have a legitimate reason to contact him, should I just send a message about his stuff? Or do I ask about the house as well?

OP posts:
Pizzaaddict · 16/07/2019 13:10

He may have met someone and moved in with them?

MrsGaryLightbody · 16/07/2019 13:12

To put this kindly.. you were actually looking at his property rather than stumbling across it ?

You really should try to back away gracefully and not stalk .

As you get stronger you will feel less like checking up on him.

Stay strong Smile

Gamble66 · 16/07/2019 13:13

He is moving on - and with kindness so should you x

HennyPennyHorror · 16/07/2019 13:15

Maybe he's buying somewhere?

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 13:16

I think he has (recently) met someone else. However they are not local and for various reasons I know he wouldn't move his 'base' from his home town. Plus we only split up 4 weeks ago, his home was advertised a week ago, so I really can't see he's had time to get to a stage of moving in with someone in under 3 weeks. Plus it's not like he can't afford to live alone. And he does have a full house worth of stuff, he's not the kind of bloke whose possessions can be packed up in a couple of bags.

OP posts:
steppemum · 16/07/2019 13:17

there could be any number of reasons why he has sub-let his house - in a new relationship, changed jobs, decided to sail roudn the world.

But, and I say this very kindly, it is none of your business.

Send a plain factual text about his stuff. Suggest a time limit - please have it all removed by x date. Then you can draw a clean lone under it all.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 13:18

Checking up on him is always going to give you more questions than answers.

For your own sanity you need to stop doing that.

Send him a message and give him a choice of a couple of dates to pick his stuff up. Make sure you have someone there with you when he does.

steppemum · 16/07/2019 13:18

sweetheart - when he finished the relationship with you, it may be because he has been for a while seeing someone else who he decided to get serious about.

again, it is none of your business, and you need to let it go.

LenoVentura · 16/07/2019 13:19

I mean this kindly, but it's none of your business. He's no longer your partner, and what he does isn't anything to you. There are any number of reasons why this might have happened. You need to shrug and move on.

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 13:19

The house buying process takes a lot longer than 4 weeks, the property is advertised as available immediately.

I couldn't have been looking for his house as I had no reason to think he's be moving, quite the opposite. I've deleted him and his family on TH and blocked his number so I do feel I've already done quite a lot to move on. However I do still have quite a lot of his belongings at my house so until they go I will still be reminded.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2019 13:21

Just send him a message asking when he is going to collect his things. And explain that if you don't hear back from him you will be taking to the tip or donating to charity.

He's living with someone else.
Doesn't matter how much money he has etc......
He may not want to live on his own.
You may have only split up 4 weeks ago but that doesn't mean he wasn't seeing someone else before you split up!?

OrdinarySnowflake · 16/07/2019 13:25

Oh darling, it's unlikely if he's moved in with someone, that it's only been 3 weeks of dating them.

Or, his job might be the reason, if he was in 2 minds about your relationship, he may well have not bothered clouding the issue by telling you about a new role/project, if he was in another town in the week, it might be the case he'd have to be there at weekends as well for the next 4-5 months and the logic of running 2 properties when he could get out of his tenancy seems pointless waste of money.

It could be he's been offered a job overseas and took it - they can often pack you up and move you in short time frame.

There are lots of legitimate reasons why his life might have changed in a month (plus the obvious 'cheating for a while), but as PP have said, it doesn't matter anymore to you. At least you don't need to worry about bumping into him.

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 13:26

I think I've done pretty well to have moved on as much as I have after 4 weeks tbh. Most of my friends are surprised I'm not still at the stage of trying to win him back.

I am genuinely concerned by this. If he owned the house I could explain it; if it wasn't a house he loved in an area he never wanted to move from (and indeed can't relocate from easily for various reasons) i wouldn't be worried. But when you've been with someone for many years even if you don't want to rekindle a relationship (and I don't) you can't immediately stop being concerned about their welfare if something odd like this happens.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 16/07/2019 13:30

You're overthinking this

I can think of quite a number of things that could have resulted in this

I also agree with the posters who are saying, you don't actually know how long he might have been with someone else

I'd send a short message to the point in regards to his things, but I'd then leave it at that

Myriade · 16/07/2019 13:31

Just contact him about the stuff that is still in your house. Not the least because it’s a constant reminder if him and you dont want that.

That will allow you to move in more easily, ensure that he is ok.
After that, I’m afraid you are not in a position to ask for reasons as to why the house has been re-let etc.... he has moved on, is living his own life wo you (and so should you)

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 13:31

I am going to send a message asking him about collecting his stuff. I want to mention the house - I don't feel I have anything to lose. If he doesn't want me to know he can just ignore it surely? I know we're never getting back together so it doesnt matter to me if he thinks it's weird that I've found out about it. Provided he's ok I will be fine whatever.

OP posts:
Myriade · 16/07/2019 13:33

Btw I get the being worried about his welfare/how he is doing etc...
But I would say this is also because he is still very important to you and you aren’t quite detached yet.
It’s understandable. But please dint forget that if he has a new relationship already, it’s likely that he has detached form your relationship a while ago (and yes might have moved in enough to have had another gf before he left you)

Myriade · 16/07/2019 13:34

Asking him about t(e house will make you look like you want to get back with him. Maybe you haven’t moved in as much as you think you have.

LenoVentura · 16/07/2019 13:34

You're looking for excuses to be in touch with him on an emotional rather than practical level. Just drop him a reminder that he needs to come for his stuff, tie down the date and time and don't be there when it happens. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether he's ok or not. MYOB.

SparklyMagpie · 16/07/2019 13:34

If he replies about his things, then you know he's ok

I wouldn't ask about the house, it's none of your business and if he didnt tell you the reason then that just leaves you questioning more

OrdinarySnowflake · 16/07/2019 13:35

OP it's less concerning as it's rented!

One of the big pluses of being a tenant is you can just go on a whim. You do only need to give a months notice and be off to a new part of the world.

If you own, it takes months and is a big financial decision to relocate.

Where did he live in the other town when he was at work there? Was he paying out for 2 lots of rent or did he do a long commute?

It could be easily that for work reasons, there's going to be little chance of him staying over more than every other weekend in your town, and has family who'll let him use their house for that time, so why bother running 2 properties. Or he's sick of the commute and decided to live close to work. Or even half way.

SparklyMagpie · 16/07/2019 13:36

"I will be fine whatever"

So you don't need to ask him about his living arrangements then

Outbackbbq · 16/07/2019 13:36

He has probably moved nearer to work?

ChequersDog · 16/07/2019 13:37

Don’t ask about the house.

NoBaggyPants · 16/07/2019 13:39

Don't try to get into a conversation about the house, it's opening up communication that you don't need.

Can you drop off his belongings somewhere? At his parents house when you know no one will be in, if there's somewhere safe to leave them.