AIBU to think this is weird and not know of an easy explanation?

[JurassicSnark]

I recently ended a long relationship. Well actually he finished it, but anyway..
I was very upset at first; now a few weeks on I seem to be coping ok. I still think about him and still dream of him but day to day I'm managing. I haven't cried for a couple of weeks and am keeping busy.

He still has a lot of stuff at my house that he hasn't contacted me about collecting. I was going to send him a message about it this week now I'm feeling stronger.

However today on impulse I was looking on a property website and saw his property (that he only started renting 3 months ago).has now been re-let. This threw me because I know he loved the house, it's in a great location in his home town and I can't think of any reason for him to be moving (he works 100s of miles away generally in the week and house is a base, his family are local, he had already paid at least 6 months rent upfront plus he has plenty in the bank to have kept renting for years, if landlord was selling it wouldn't have been re-let etc) it just all seems weird. I'm concerned whether anything has happened to him (though I would have hoped his family would let me know if it had). As I can't think of any explanation other than that.

Is there an obvious explanation I could have missed?

Also as I have a legitimate reason to contact him, should I just send a message about his stuff? Or do I ask about the house as well?

you do realise that the most obvious reason for him not replying is that he doesn't want contact with you?

Even if (and I sincerely hope not) he has dropped down dead, it is no longer anything to do with you.

If his stuff is spread out at yours, you need to box it up and stick it out of sight.

Id want to know too
Hopefully he will reply to your email

I guess then you know he is at least alive.
But you can’t ask about the house- he will think you are staking him

None of this is your business. The only thing if your concern is his stuff which you should put in the shed or garage and let him know it's there to get asap.
Do not contact his parents
Do not ask him about the House. It's really none of your business and also you will come across as a stalker.
And its weird you're automatically assuming it must be for a bad reason..

OP, I think some of the posts will feel a bit harsh on you. That probably is the nature of MN.

Perhaps think a step further. You find out he is in a ditch somewhere, gambling again, drunk, whatever.

What would you do? Help him get clean again or stay well away? He has to stand on his own two feet now. He won't want your help and probably the worst thing you could do is help him, if he is in trouble.

Try not to think about it. You will be informed one way or another if he is on his deathbed asking for you. If he isn't, nothing you can or should do.

So why worry about it.

I'm confused...you live four hours away from his house/family and he also works hundreds of miles away and stays in hotels during periods of work? When did you get to see each other? Did he stay with you/You stay with him? How long were you together? Was he in trouble with the police and had to stay in a particular area?
It seems unlikely that you would've just stumbled across his newly-rented house that is four hours away from you, so hundreds of miles, by accident. You also say that you hope his family would have let you know if anything had happened to him, but could they do that if you've blocked them? Sorry, lots of questions!
Maybe he's struggling too and has decided to do some travelling. Maybe he's joined the circus. He could've done one of a million things. Strangers on the internet won't be any help. Genuine (friendly) question, what are you hoping for on here? I hope you are ok, breakups are horrid x

I have an alternative explanation. Some dodgy estate agents list properties for rent just to draw attention from renters, then when you call up they say 'oh sorry that one's no longer available, but how about this (slightly shitter) one...?' They also sometimes use photos of similar houses if they don't have photos of the right house in yet. Have experienced both of these situations when trying to rent.

Also, I don't agree that it's 'none of your business' if he was cheating on you. Especially as you were in a long term relationship! However, I do think he probably will not tell you the truth, so it would be best to try and live with the questions as you will probably not get a satisfactory answer.

It is also quote possible that he had already gone back to bad habits, gambled his savings and was already about to lose the house, then found it easier to lie and then leave you rather than admit to what's been going on.

But yes, you will likely never know.

"Also, I don't agree that it's 'none of your business' if he was cheating on you"

But what difference would that make now that they aren't together and no contact?

Or maybe he’s moved so you can’t get in touch with him?

Is the reason he ended the long term relationship because he was already seeing someone? Was it out of the blue? Sounds like he overlapped relationships and is living near to or with new partner... may have met them at work.

He doesn’t want his stuff back as he’s over you, he was before he left you.

It’s mean and I hope you can move on. Please put his stuff out of sight, in the loft/shed/under spare bed. Or better still, pop it round to his family’s home.

I will be hard hearted if and when I know he's ok.

And if he isn't ok? What is it that you plan to do?

Even if something terrible/life changing/tragic has happened, he hasn't been in touch with you, and neither have any family or friends on his behalf. He clearly does not want or need your help/support/input.

Is there an obvious explanation I could have missed?

PPs have offered several plausible suggestions that you do not wish to consider. I wonder if it is easier for you to think that something may have happened to him, than to consider the more hurtful scenarios (ie he's moved in with someone else)?

Also as I have a legitimate reason to contact him, should I just send a message about his stuff? Or do I ask about the house as well?

I absolutely would not ask him about the house. The fact that you have blocked him and his family would suggest it wasn't exactly an amicable separation. What are you going to say if he asks why you want to know? "I saw your house for rent and thought you might be seriously ill"? I'm sorry but you are going to sound unhinged. Even more so if you do not have a reasonable explanation for why you were looking at rentals properties 4 hours away from your own home, and coincidentally exactly where your ex lives.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but whatever his reason for moving, it is absolutely none of your business or concern anymore, and he does not owe you an explanation. Please try to put it out of your head and move on, for your own sake.

To try and explain about the gepgraphics...

We were together for over 5 years. For most of that time he lived and worked near me. Last year he took a job about 90 mins away. Around that time he was having a lot of issues and MH crisis. For this and other reasons he moved his 'base' to the town where his family live 4 hours away. The intention was he would stay with me/ in hotels in the week and with me at weekends, either at my house or we'd both stay at his house. And that's what we did until 4 weeks ago when after a period of us not getting on well, and trying various things to resolve our issues, he decided that he didn't want to try any more, that we could be friends but that our romantic relationship was over. Contrary to what people seem to think of me on this thread, I didn't beg or plead with him to reconsider or any of that. I said fine, that I didn't want to be friends but to tell me when he wanted to pick up his stuff and to chuck my stuff (literally 2 items of clothing and a couple of toiletry items/ hairbrush etc) in the bin. And that was it.

My purpose in contacting his parents is because I need to make arrangements for his stuff and if he won't reply to me then I need to let them know. There is one particular item they purchased that I think they would want to decide what happened to. Most of the items are in cupboards around the house, they are all quite large/ can't go in bags etc. It's tools, electrical equipment. Some of it is relatively high value. If it was just t shirts and pants I'd have chucked it. But I can't just dispose of it off my own back - certainly not the item belonging to the family member.

Just to add, our plan was always at some point I'd move to his town and we'd buy a property. Before we split up, in the short term (next 6 months) I was planning to buy an investment property there (of similar size and cost to his current home) so would often look at house sale and rental prices, it's a saved search for me on a certain property site as I would check out properties several times a week trying to learn the local market . It was just coincidence I happened to look at it today, I haven't in the last 4 weeks, or looked up anything else.

I still stand by the advice I have already given you. It's standard advice that I would give to anyone in your situation.

He knows where you are, he knows where his stuff is. Either he's out of the country on holiday, really busy, or he's not entering into a conversation with you for some other reason.

But that's besides the point, unless he's a vulnerable person or a danger to himself or others it's none of your business.

Threads like this make me think there is a niche in the market for returning exes items after a break up. Flat fee and mileage costs. If this idea ever appears on Dragons Den I want my percentage of the profit people.

Just hire a van courier. No more complicated than that and not an idea that'll win you investors on Dragons' Den.

From what you've posted about the geography of your relationship, he's just decided the place he was renting isn't in the right location. For all you know he's agreed with the landlord that if they get new tenants before his tenancy ends they'll let him surrender his tenancy and refund him some pre-paid rent.

I am afraid my answer still stands too. I know it much be unbelievably hard just now... I have been there!

If he doesn't reply (don't text again/phone/write etc) to this one message, give him a few days and then give it to a charity shop. It is his problem in losing his expensive items/those belonging to family members and not yours.

And then, get on with your life.

Also... please excuse the name but I found this book really helpful- even to deal with my emotions underlying seemingly practical decisions: www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken-ebook/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

He can't/ won't relocate from his home town. He could have moved to another property in the same town but the timings make that unlikely.

And of course I can't courier his stuff to him because I don't know where he is - the only address I had for him was the house he either has already or is about to move from.

If I don't get a reply by the end of the week about his stuff I will contact his parents and ask them. I'm sure if everything is ok he will contact me before then as he will know that if he doesn't I'll contact them otherwise (and he won't want them involved).

You are not listening to anybody on here who has taken the time to advise you.

I don't have to agree with everyone, I'm not going to agree unless I acrually agree what would be the point? I also can't agree to things that are impossible ie putting his belongings in a bag or couriering his stuff to him. Some posters have agreed contacting his parents in default of a response is fine. And that's what I'm planning to do.

Also when I did send him a msg earlier I didn't mention the house as I took the point that was unnecessary. My msg was purely factual and asked for when he would be collecting his stuff.

Yes to message re stuff.
I'd want to know someone was ok if we'd been close, but it doesn't matter why past that he's ok.
I'd yes I'd ask parents, hi I can't get an answer from x, he's left quite a lot of belongings here, any idea what I should do with it all as it needs to go soon.

Easy explanation follows;

He wasn't in to you enough to want to live together, so rented a house fairly near to his parents.

He's been seeing somebody else for months.

He decided to finish with you so that he can move in with her.

He gave notice on the house.

He finished with you.

He went straight to her house for the night 'at last, we can be together, etc'.

He's moved in with her.

You might very well be concerned for him, but I would be prepared to bet my last fiver that he's absolutely fine, if a little tired from shagging her every night since he left. So he's not had the time or mental energy to be thinking about stuff he's left behind.

Took one of my exes a whole hour after leaving to be moving his stuff into his new DP's. He'd been seeing her for over a year and still claimed she was just a flatmate for another two. In a one bedroom flat. And the only reason he collected his shit clutter was that I told him it was being binned if it wasn't gone by the following Saturday morning.

Jesus, his family removed you and blocked you 4 weeks after the breakup?!

... I wouldn't be contacting his parents either, sorry. It doesn't sound like they want contact.

Greenwaterbottle yes that's basically the line I'm going along.

Mitxi sorry your Ex cheated on you. That isn't the case here. And you're quite wrong about the living together. I wasn't ready for us to live together here, nor to move to his town. I've no concerns as to how into me he was during our relationship and there was no opportunity for him to have met someone where his house was during our relationship as whenever he visited I was with him. I'm sure you'll tell me I'm wrong or deluded or whatever though.

No I deleted him and family from social media and blocked them (after I'd contacted his family first to explain we were no longer together).I thought that was for the best. I also blocked his number. I still have his parents number and his email though which is how I've contacted him today.