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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is weird and not know of an easy explanation?

144 replies

JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 13:08

I recently ended a long relationship. Well actually he finished it, but anyway..
I was very upset at first; now a few weeks on I seem to be coping ok. I still think about him and still dream of him but day to day I'm managing. I haven't cried for a couple of weeks and am keeping busy.

He still has a lot of stuff at my house that he hasn't contacted me about collecting. I was going to send him a message about it this week now I'm feeling stronger.

However today on impulse I was looking on a property website and saw his property (that he only started renting 3 months ago).has now been re-let. This threw me because I know he loved the house, it's in a great location in his home town and I can't think of any reason for him to be moving (he works 100s of miles away generally in the week and house is a base, his family are local, he had already paid at least 6 months rent upfront plus he has plenty in the bank to have kept renting for years, if landlord was selling it wouldn't have been re-let etc) it just all seems weird. I'm concerned whether anything has happened to him (though I would have hoped his family would let me know if it had). As I can't think of any explanation other than that.

Is there an obvious explanation I could have missed?

Also as I have a legitimate reason to contact him, should I just send a message about his stuff? Or do I ask about the house as well?

OP posts:
TheyCallMeMellowYellow · 16/07/2019 22:58

I don't know why OP is getting a hard time here... I'd want to know if he was ok too... they had been together over 5 years!
That doesn't mean she wants him back! 🤷‍♀️

I agree that there is no need to mention the house though...

RitmoRatmo · 16/07/2019 23:03

OP- you’re getting lots of needlessly cruel and harsh responses on here.

I can completely see your position. I’ve been in a similar position fairly recently. I don’t want to scare you but in my case it had a very tragic outcome. One I’m still trying to get over. Given his history of MH crises and addiction issues I can completely see why you’re worried for his welfare. Many of the posters on here don’t know what they’re talking about.

wowfudge · 16/07/2019 23:03

OP, I was replying to donutrehomer rather than suggesting you hire a van courier, but I can see why you thought that was aimed at you.

MissRhubarb · 16/07/2019 23:09

Is it that you're worried he might have hurt himself or worse? If it's that then I understand why you're so concerned. Could you maybe just text or email a mutual friend and ask if they've seen him? You could explain that you have things of his to return but haven't been able to contact him so just want to check that he's alright. Any friend who knows his history with MH, addiction, etc. would understand that I think? Sorry, it must be extremely worrying.

BoronationStreet · 16/07/2019 23:15

Christ this thread is depressing. OP clearly has a valid point and is expressing concern like any normal human would, yet all most of you focus on is that she knows his house is on the market or you are certain that she can't get over it.

OP...I understand why you are concerned and I would definitely send a text asking him to get his shit from your house or just contact his parents. I don't think you're inventing excuses, in denial or anything else hateful that has been said on this thread.

Most women on MN are bitter and cynical. Ignore them and trust your gut. You'll feel better once you know what is going on.

Lifeover · 16/07/2019 23:17

Why don’t you just text him. Hope you’re ok. Can you pick up your stuff I need the space by x date.

Surely that what any grown adult would do.

donutrehomer · 16/07/2019 23:20

I don't understand why his family have blocked you if they know you have items that belong to your ex and other family members.

It's an extremely knee jerk reaction film an entire family isn't it? You would have thought they would have waited until the dust had settled between the two of you.

To be honest, I think you just want our validation before you contact his parents.

It doesn't matter what advice anyone gives you or opinion, you come back with an argument that seems to contain information not included in your OP.

So, because I still don't think that contracting his parents is the route you should take then I don't think there's anything else I can advise you.

All the best xx

Likeazombi · 16/07/2019 23:22

My ex moved in with his new girlfriend less than two weeks after I threw him out. Needless to say he had been planning for quite a while and if I hadn't found out when did about the girlfriend I would have been none the wiser.
Send one email about his stuff and nothing more.
If he doesn't reply at all maybe one message to his mum them get rid of it.

MissRhubarb · 16/07/2019 23:27

@BoronationStreet I actually think most of the advice is pretty sound, in that folk are trying to encourage a person who has been broken up with to maintain dignity/not appear stalkerish/not embarrass themselves if the ex is already living with someone else, etc... BUT, as has come out in the OP's updates, there is a history of mental health and addiction issues which always makes sudden changes concerning. If it was me and I was genuinely worried that something terrible might have happened, then my dignity could take a hike and I'd just be messaging people to find out the person was ok. For context though, I've lost 4 adult males in my friend/family circles in tragic circumstances so I'm hyper-anxious about it and my mind often leaps to worrying unnecessarily if there are any worrying signs in someone's behaviour.

IvanaPee · 16/07/2019 23:37

This is a bit embarrassing to read.

If something has happened to him, you’ve become so unimportant and irrelevant in his life that nobody thought to tell you about it.

This is after he dumped you...

I think it’s fairly obvious how little he thinks of you. He and his family!

You could email his parents I suppose, but only to say “if stuff isn’t collected by x date, I’ll have to get rid of it.”

It’s probably understandable that you’re concerned. I just think the care and consideration is very obviously one-sided.

steppemum · 16/07/2019 23:38

@BoronationStreet
I am not remotely bitter, or cynical, quite the opposite.
But the OP sounds massively attached to someone who has left. While I have a huge sympathy and feel for her situation, encouraging her to let go is the only way forward.

Osirus · 16/07/2019 23:39

The landlord might have kicked him out for whatever reason? Could be for a million reasons.

But, as he worked away, he would certainly have had time to meet and get to know someone else. Possibly someone even at work. It happens, and most betrayed partners are taken by surprise. It sounds like he met someone when he moved back where his family are based, as from what you say, that was when you started having problems.

HiJenny35 · 16/07/2019 23:40

It doesn't matter what logic you are trying to put on this about why he wouldn't have moved home, about distance to family, work etc it's doesn't matter, he has moved, you aren't together, say he has hurt himself or is gambling it's still nothing to do with you, you aren't together. What benefit will you knowing make, you aren't the right person to help him through it, and if his parents haven't contacted you to tell you then that's another clue that it's not your issue anymore.

LoafofSellotape · 16/07/2019 23:52

He's finished with you,that means that he doesn't want your concern any more OP,hard as that is to hear. It's just nosiness wanting to know about the house,I'd want to know to as I'm a proper nosey Parker too Wink

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 23:53

His family haven't blocked me. I deleted and blocked all of them on social media. I thought it was for the best.

I don't think he's killed himself, certainly I hope he hasn't . But he could well be ill/ struggling with various demons/ have done something to get himself evicted or in trouble with the authorities. If that is the case there isn't much I can actually do but i hope the truth is he has met and moved in with someone or won the lottery (even though both are hugely unlikely) because that would make it easier. I spent a lot of our relationship worrying about his physical and later his mental health or what he might do. Thinking oh yes he's just off screwing a few randoms- which was what I had assumed up to now - is easy because that means he's ok. And of course Im aware he's not my responsibility blah blah but I still would feel better knowing he was fine.

OP posts:
donutrehomer · 17/07/2019 00:09

Sorry, I read your post about social media the wrong way around. Totally my mistake.

Take care x

jeezerwheezer1974 · 17/07/2019 00:19

I would send his stuff to a neutral place - family/friend/local pub, whatever. I would not give him any direct contact. Ask someone else to message him on your behalf, and state when he should collect it. Don't check up on him. Seriously, he is not worth it.

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 17/07/2019 00:47

We don't have any mutual friends, he doesn't really have any friends. There's only his family. Likewise there's no neutral person or place I could involve. It really is just his parents I could contact.

OP posts:
Yawninfinitum · 17/07/2019 07:20

Did he reply to your email @JurassicSnark?

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 17/07/2019 07:31

No reply yet. I will definitely give it to the end of the week before taking the next step of contacting his parents as Id prefer not to involve them if possible.

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 17/07/2019 07:33

I can see why you’re concerned and want answers about the house, although I’m afraid why he’s moved is not really your business anymore and you might never know. But you do at least deserve to know he’s okay and to have him collect his stuff.

I think you’re reasonable to contact him about arranging for his things to be collected, and if you don’t get a response in a few days you’d be reasonable to contact his parents to say he hasn’t replied and can they ask him about collecting his things.

TheRedBarrows · 17/07/2019 07:41

Could the agents have listed the property accidentally? Or put the wrong photos up? Do the photos look exactly the same as when he first rented it?

If you really wanted to do a detective job you could call the agents and enquire about it, ask if available immediately etc.

WafflingDreamer · 17/07/2019 07:56

If his MH has taken a backwards step what are you going to gain from knowing? You've decided not to continue the relationship so presumably he doesn't want your emotional support through this time. I understand not knowing what has happened to someone you love/loved is hard but you need to start viewing him as no longer part of your life. If hes hurt himself or partaking in risk taking behaviour you cant help him therefore there really is no benefit to you knowing.

If he hasn't replied by the end of the week either unblock his number and text him or text his parents and ask what you should do with all the stuff

zingally · 17/07/2019 08:20

Try and ignore the house-let stuff. Honestly, you know it's none of your business what he does with his house.

As for the belongings of his, at yours. Drop him a business-like email, telling him what stuff you have of his, and offering maybe 4 or 5 different dates and times of day when he can come round and collect it.

See what comes of that message, and if he doesn't come, try once more with a "You can come round to get your stuff on Sunday at 2pm. Otherwise I shall it to a charity shop."

Don't, don't, don't mention the house-let. It's none of your business, and it'll make you look stalkery.

SailorJerry13 · 17/07/2019 08:27

Together for five years and not ONE mutual friend. No one else has him on social media.

OP, that is a little strange. Are you sure you weren’t the OW