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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is weird and not know of an easy explanation?

144 replies

JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 13:08

I recently ended a long relationship. Well actually he finished it, but anyway..
I was very upset at first; now a few weeks on I seem to be coping ok. I still think about him and still dream of him but day to day I'm managing. I haven't cried for a couple of weeks and am keeping busy.

He still has a lot of stuff at my house that he hasn't contacted me about collecting. I was going to send him a message about it this week now I'm feeling stronger.

However today on impulse I was looking on a property website and saw his property (that he only started renting 3 months ago).has now been re-let. This threw me because I know he loved the house, it's in a great location in his home town and I can't think of any reason for him to be moving (he works 100s of miles away generally in the week and house is a base, his family are local, he had already paid at least 6 months rent upfront plus he has plenty in the bank to have kept renting for years, if landlord was selling it wouldn't have been re-let etc) it just all seems weird. I'm concerned whether anything has happened to him (though I would have hoped his family would let me know if it had). As I can't think of any explanation other than that.

Is there an obvious explanation I could have missed?

Also as I have a legitimate reason to contact him, should I just send a message about his stuff? Or do I ask about the house as well?

OP posts:
Widowodiw · 16/07/2019 14:33

So do you know where his parents live? As id Just drop his stuff there, they will probably mention him and you know that he is ok and you don’t have to look like a stalker. Solves all problems me thinks. You haven’t moved on it’s evident from the way you are acting. No harm in that but at the same time what he does not us none of your business unless he tells you.

Moltenpink · 16/07/2019 14:39

Offer to post his stuff to the house and see what he says?

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 14:42

Unfortunately there is a carload of stuff. Far too much to post. And his house/ parents is 4 hours from me so I can't really drive there to drop it off.

OP posts:
donutrehomer · 16/07/2019 15:03

Im nearly 50 and I can't remember ever being the told the 100% truth when a Ex was splitting up with me.

I think people tend to break up with someone in the most drama- free method. This means usually people often don't tell the truth about the background of their decision. Some can just go, oh well, but for some it's really frustrating, you want lots of answers that you will probably never get.

I do think that people emotionally detach, for varying amounts of time, before breaking up with someone. Sometimes it's an instant realisation and sometimes they've literally already reorganised their post relationship life. By the time they've finished the relationship they have totally moved on. Whilst the person they've dumped is still reeling.

Send a text, give a deadline, get rid of it all if it's uncollected x

All the best xx

Namechangingallthetime · 16/07/2019 15:52

The advice here is very sensible. It would be best to stop dwelling on what might have happened and start trying to move on.

But...I understand how you feel. I've been there, agonising over whys and what's happened. Everyone's different but this has helped me in the past. Allow yourself one, and just one, final question to him. So send him a message asking about his stuff and offer to drop it off to the (old)house. Don't let him know you were checking up on it. Keep it casual and make sure you offer alternative arrangements, i.e. he collects, etc. Then, whether you get an answer it not, you must tell yourself, ok, that's done, I've done what I can. It will help once his stuff has gone.

Deadposhtory · 16/07/2019 15:59

Op get over him the way he's obviously got over you

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 16/07/2019 16:05

Was his job real? Could he have been leading a double life with two families?

Namechangingallthetime · 16/07/2019 16:17

Sorry, posted before I saw your post that the house is 4 hours from you. Prto obably looks too much like you're checking up on him if you offer to drop the stuff off. I think you might have to just let it go, move on, but do message for him or his parents pick up his stuff.

theWarOnPeace · 16/07/2019 16:25

The fact that he hasn’t emailed you to ask to collect his stuff is out of order in itself. A car lod of stuff taking up space in your house is not on. I’d email and say pick up your stuff by X date or I’m throwing it out. You’d be mad to ask about the house.

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 16:40

I have a big house, it's not in the way as such. Most of it has been here for years. But I have now asked him to tell me when he wants to collect. No reply as yet which is slightly unusual, but I'll give it a day or so. If I hear nothing I could contact his parents but would prefer not to involve them if possible.

His job was definitely real...He Was always very open with his life and vice versa...I found his house for him, we viewed all potential properties together. We spent the majority of our time together when not at work.

I do get that it's over and I dont want him back. I haven't contacted him at all since I sent a final message 4 weeks ago. I am not pining over him. I am genuinely worried by something which could hint at something untoward having happened. I think after many years together that's quite normal still to be concerned.

OP posts:
MandalaYogaTapestry · 16/07/2019 16:46

OP I've been there, most if not all posters on this thread have been there. I mean this kindly. You are not fooling anyone, that you really don't want him back and that you are really only concerned about his wellbeing.

So please no need to keep justifying yourself here. People see right through it. You have sent the message, good. After he's replied, hand over his shit and be done with it.

Stop being concerned for a man whom you loved and who dumped you. It's painful to read.

Hugs to you, you are going to be OK.

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 17:12

Please spare me the patronising comments. I don't need to fool anyone. I know exactly how I feel and whether you believe it or not I don't want him back, our relationship had difficulties and a month apart will not have resolved them, indeed with the benefit of time and distance I have perspective to see they can't be solved. However the fact that our romantic relationship ended doesn't mean I don't still care on some level what happens to him ie if he is ill/ in trouble or I suspect that he may be then I would be and am concerned. I'm not going out of my way to check on him. I'm exhibiting no more concern than I would for an acquaintance which given he was my partner and best friend until 4 weeks ago isn't that unusual I don't think.

OP posts:
donutrehomer · 16/07/2019 18:29

I don't think you do want him back. I do however think you want answers to your questions.

The thing is that either you will never know the entire truth, you might get an element of truth, or even part truth and some nonsense. Or just complete bullshit and lies. But normally it will a mixture of everything.

It stinks really.

steppemum · 16/07/2019 19:01

I am genuinely concerned by this

I know you are. And I get it, as PP said, we all get it, we've been there.
BUT and it is a veyr big but, tough. It is none of your business.

If you step back and read the thread it looks like this:

OP - I'm worried about ex
everyone - leave it
Op - BUT
everyone - just leave it
OP - no, but really....
everyone - walk away.

You are still 100% emotionally invested. That is normal so close to a big break up, but don't make the mistake of following your emotions, now is the time to be a bit hard hearted.
There are many reasons. You are not part of them. You have to leave it now.

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 19:06

I will be hard hearted if and when I know he's ok. If he's just being a dick or has won the lottery or moved in with some random or whatever, I'll go back to being as entirely NC as I have been the last 4 weeks. So if he replies to my text and arranged a time to get his stuff, that's my answer.

If I don't hear from him in the next couple of days I'll have to contact his parents although hopefully it won't come to that.

OP posts:
pastyballbag · 16/07/2019 19:11

If I don't hear from him in the next couple of days I'll have to contact his parents

you really really shouldn’t do that Confused

Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 19:12

And the thing is there isn't an obvious reason for him to move. He doesn't live where he works and that wouldn't change. There are few jobs in his field where his house is, and he won't move house because for certain reasons he has to be based in that area. It is odd to move from somewhere where you've paid rent upfront for the next few months especially as the timescale is too short to have bought somewhere or have moved in with anyone in that area. So other explanations like illness etc are possible and hence I am concerned. Do I have a right to know? No, I don't. But can I be concerned? Yes I think so and until I hear anything I think that concern is justified.

OP posts:
Original poster
JurassicSnark · 16/07/2019 19:13

Why shouldn't I contact his parents?

OP posts:
Forensicpsych · 16/07/2019 19:22

If something had happened to him literally no one has bothered to tell you, which sums up the state of your current relationship...which is...zip. I’m sorry.
If I was him (or his mum) I’d definitely be Hmm at you at this point.

rhubarbblossom · 16/07/2019 19:29

Literally no good can come of this.

You will never really know exactly what happened. He might have moved job, he might have lost his job and moved in with his parents, he might have been cheating all along, he might have gotten a mortgage.....the possibilities are endless.

The stuff being at your house is prolonging the agony. This is what you can change. Give him a set amount of time (like a few days max) to reply, and a set time to collect. Failing that, take it all to a Charity Shop or recycle/dump whatever is there.

You may never find answers. Concentrate on nice things in the present to focus on instead. Flowers Cake

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 19:30

If he doesn't reply don't go chasing after his parents. If something has happened they haven't contacted you, if it hasn't then he's ignoring you and chasing after info from his parents will just annoy everyone.

Just email, give him a date to pick up stuff by and say you'll bin it if he doesn't and leave him alone.

He's not your problem any more.

donutrehomer · 16/07/2019 19:31

What are these belongings? Is it CDs, music, clothes? A favourite chair, wall coverings, a guitar, personal photos, mobile phone stuff and general man shit? Box it up and shove it in a pile somewhere. Get one of those checked large bags and put his clothes, shoes towels etc in there. You could be nice and wash them first, but you don't have to.

From personal experience, the alternative is him walking all over the house and flicking through music collections to find his stuff. I hated my exes guts but I still sobbed. I was less upset a month later when the bailiffs turned up 😂😂

But, if you it's a couple of items of clothing. Some half used toiletries, a razor and his crusty wank sock them just bloody bin it all.

You said it ended a few weeks ago? Take it all down the charity shop ffs.

Don't bring his parents into it, you've no idea what is going on in their lives. You might just be stirring up a hornet's nest for no reason.

SparklyMagpie · 16/07/2019 19:37

"And the thing is there isn't an obvious reason for him to move. He doesn't live where he works and that wouldn't change"

And you say you have moved on

Why are you even thinking and talking about this crap that DOES NOT CONCERN YOU!

Stop trying to be Miss Marple and mind your own business

Sunshine93 · 16/07/2019 19:42

If you have a car load of his stuff including things he inherited then of course it's reasonable to contact his parents. Like you say give it a couple of days and contact them once.

Obviously you cant hold onto it forever and you cant keep chasing him but if you contact him and his family by email then wait a period of days/weeks at least you know you have done everything you can.

We could speculate forever but my guess is that he has been gambling/has gambling debts which mean he can't afford the bills and is in arrears on them at flat hence he has been evicted. I am cynical though.

Skyejuly · 16/07/2019 19:43

I would pack them up and dump them at his mums.

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