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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to throw something at me...

139 replies

Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 12:50

So this is a bit of a AIBU and WWYD.

Rowing with DH, I happened to be stood in the door way. He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on. He got so worked up he went to throw his vape at me, but he stopped himself. At that moment, I looked down and our 18 month daughter had walked in the room and was stood right next to me.

I took our dd and walked off. He came and apologised but tried to justify it by saying it was my fault as I wouldn’t leave him alone.

So I guess I was being unreasonable. I should’ve walked away and let it all cool down before it got to that point but I’m so mad he went to throw something at me, although he did stop himself.

So how would you handle this?

OP posts:
NeutralJanet · 16/07/2019 12:54

You're both unreasonable. He shouldn't be threatening to throw something at you, even though he didn't actually do it. You need to learn to back off and give somebody space when they ask for it. When you've both calmed down, maybe tonight when your daughter is in bed, talk to each other and try to sort it out.

RubbingHimSourly · 16/07/2019 12:54

I dunno.

I mean he shouldn't have but he'd also asked you to walk away. And you wouldn't. Instead you chose to follow him around arguing.........which isn't a good environment for your daughter to be in either 💁

yourtimeisup · 16/07/2019 12:55

This won't be a popular view but we had some awful rows during the baby years. Everyone's tired and you're pushed to your limits. If it's a one off let it go I'd say but I think I might be a lone voice!

RubbingHimSourly · 16/07/2019 12:57

I'd handle it by having respect for someone when they say theyve had enough and to leave them be.

In return I'd expect that person to not think about throwing missiles when he's pissed off........it's a non argument really. Neither of you paint yourselves in glory

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 12:57

I would handle it by respecting his choice to be left alone and stop continuing to row when repeatedly being asked to leave it.

JonSlow · 16/07/2019 12:58

So effectively you pinned him into a corner by blocking a doorway?

ambereeree · 16/07/2019 12:58

You're both at fault. When someone tells you to leave them alone it's usually a good idea to listen.

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 12:59

Agree you're both wrong. Obviously what he 'nearly' did wasn't OK at all, but also true what others have said that if someone clearly tells you to leave them be then you shouldn't persist.

Soontobe60 · 16/07/2019 13:03

So he didn't actually throw anything at you after you continued to actively goad him?
He showed self control, you didn't. You need to apologise.

Rumplesmoothskin · 16/07/2019 13:04

Do not follow him around to argue. Not now you have a child to witness it.

LittleFairywren · 16/07/2019 13:05

I think you were worse than him personally. You carried on badgering him when he wanted to space to be left alone.

herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 13:07

He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on.

Ooh, OP, that’s no way to behave, is it? I have never thrown anything, or been about to, at my partner, but he has never backed me into a corner and refused to let me have some room to calm down.

Walnutwhipster · 16/07/2019 13:08

He didn't throw it but couldn't escape because you were blocking the door and wouldn't leave him alone, you did this knowing your toddler was around. YABU.

Qcumber · 16/07/2019 13:10

You were having a full on row in the house when your daughter was toddling around? She deserves better.

MonstranceClock · 16/07/2019 13:14

I come from a family of throwers, but none of us have ever cornered anyone before. That's a really nasty thing to do.

araiwa · 16/07/2019 13:15

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AFistfulofDolores1 · 16/07/2019 13:19

One of the hardest things to do in the heat of the moment is to listen to someone who asks you to back off, and to then back off.

You were in the wrong on that one.

Batqueen · 16/07/2019 13:20

My sister is pretty chilled but she has ended up throwing something (not hard) at her husband because he wouldn’t leave her alone during an argument when she asked.

It’s defensive rather than aggressive. Neither of you were ok here. You need to learn to leave him alone and continue the conversation when you are both calmer. Obviously his reaction wasn’t ok either.

MysweetAudrina · 16/07/2019 13:21

Honestly when someone asks you to leave them alone and give them some space to calm down then you really should. I have been guilty of following my dh around looking to continue the row (normally because I want to sort it out) but he needs time to calm down.

He wanted you to leave him alone, you wouldn't so his reaction was to make you go away. He showed more restraint than you by not throwing it. Next time someone asks for space give it to them, walk away and continue the conversation when you are both calm.

HennyPennyHorror · 16/07/2019 13:23

I agree that you shouldn;t have stood there when he'd asked for space.

It's not on. People ask for space when they feel angry. Of course he should not have gone to throw something at you....but the main thing is that he never threw it.

CarolDanvers · 16/07/2019 13:24

He didn't throw it. Your description of your dd appearing in the midst of his being about to throw an object seems to be designed to make him look bad. If your dd was witnessing all this then that's on you too as you were also arguing and refusing to let the situation calm down.

Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 13:29

It’s all been said. Someone asking for space is trying to calm things right down. It’s not helpful to stay in their face when they’ve asked you not to.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/07/2019 13:30

It’s on you, op. Forcing someone to stay and continue a row is abusive behaviour.

flossie86 · 16/07/2019 13:30

Your both being unreasonable, him for almost hitting you with anything & you for continuing to argue when someones told you to back off, both of you for rowing around an 18month old

ReganSomerset · 16/07/2019 13:30

No one comes out of this covered in glory.