DH went to throw something at me...

[Hornet7067]

So this is a bit of a AIBU and WWYD.

Rowing with DH, I happened to be stood in the door way. He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on. He got so worked up he went to throw his vape at me, but he stopped himself. At that moment, I looked down and our 18 month daughter had walked in the room and was stood right next to me.

I took our dd and walked off. He came and apologised but tried to justify it by saying it was my fault as I wouldn’t leave him alone.

So I guess I was being unreasonable. I should’ve walked away and let it all cool down before it got to that point but I’m so mad he went to throw something at me, although he did stop himself.

So how would you handle this?

All this over milk...

I imagine there’s a huge back story/drip feed coming but you were in the wrong to perpetuate an argument and then try to paint in as potentially violent when you were refusing to walk away.

Did you finish the milk?

YABU. You knew you were winding him up, you knew your actions were exacerbating the situation. He 'considered' throwing something but didn't. He didn't actually do anything.

You need to work on your communication skills

He didn’t throw it so he didn’t do anything wrong. He showed that he has self control and tbh the point where you carried on an argument he wanted to end was the tipping point I imagine

None of that self justifying nonsense explains why you refused to let him leave until you’d “finished” (won?) the argument.

Hang on so you left your 18 month DD unattended in the living room? Was DH supposed to be watching her, wanted a cuppa tea then realised there was no milk?

Clearly there's a lot of resentment on his side towards you and your lack of doing things around the house. Do you both work?

Either way when someone says to leave them alone in an argument, you leave them alone. You don't continue to argue/defend/provoke them. Let things calm down then speak later.

@upple yes because I’d told him the night before we’d run out of milk after DD’s morning bottle and he said he’ll get some from the shop but never did. Plus we very rarely have milk at home for us.

@AlexaAmbidextra I think I know my intentions better than you, but I now know not to argue my point so we’ll leave that there.

@LillithsFamiliar you are right DH keeps declaring he does everything around the house and I do nothing despite the fact I do my fair share, maybe more. I won’t go in to details about who does what but I have no doubt in my mind he is the one being unreasonable on that front and before people jump on me I’m not saying he doesn’t do his share, just that he thinks he does more when he doesn’t.

You didn't need to see why he was swearing at no milk. He has a right to his own reactions at wanting milk and finding none. It's up to him if he is over-reacting. You don't know how badly he wanted milk for his tea or whatever.

It wasn't reasonable to then blame you, but you put yourself in the centre of it. so he took it out on you.

The main thing is, he didn't throw anything.

Your whole household sounds fraught. Maybe that is what you both should be talking about.

If you can't listen to someone asking for space when they're in a frantic/stressed situation, you ought to think carefully about your own actions and how you can work on them.

DH's default response when I get cross is to walk away and say nothing. There's nothing more infuriating when I'm angry than a placid, calm DH, but that doesn't give m the right to chase him down to ensure I get my battle. People behave differently and neither of you were particularly mature.

I don't understand why you went downstairs in the first place.

Presumably he just forgot you'd run out of milk and was wanting a coffee/tea and was momentarily pissed off and swore. We've all done it, haven't we? I did it just yesterday - had a shower and remembered just as I'd got soaking wet that I'd forgotten a clean towel. My point is there was no need for you to get involved in the first place.

How did it go from him swearing over milk to you refusing to leave him alone?

If he was supposed to get the milk then he was probably annoyed with himself and when you appeared he took it out on you.

At least he apologised. Move on would be my advice.....and keep some Long Life for emergencies.

It sounds like a combination of the sort of tiredness and irritability that's not unusual when you have small DC, and a bit of competitive martyrdom thrown in. Maybe another day, when you're both calmer, it might be worth talking about the divisions of labour in the house and what would make your set up work better for both of you - agree who does what, or pay for a cleaner, or decide to let some stuff go?

You were both in the wrong. He was wrong to think of throwing something at you, you were in the wrong for not allowing him space when he asked.

Can I please correct people assuming I was screaming and shouting, I wasn’t shouting at any point in this row, I was calmly justifying myself in that I do actually stuff around the house.

I went downstairs because the shouting and swearing was aggressive and he had dd with him. It was very clearly aimed at me and another thing I haven’t done around the house as it was said loud enough for me to hear word for word up in the front bedroom.

Thanks for all the advice about walking away when he asks for space. I guess I know it would diffuse the situation but it’s not that easy when you’ve been insulted and then told to walk away. I will change my approach going forward.

To be honest it sounds like you're minimising your part and ramping up his when you were both acting like stroppy kids. The underlying who does what around the house issue is something you probably both need to sit down and discuss sensibly like adults.

I went downstairs because the shouting and swearing was aggressive and he had dd with him. It was very clearly aimed at me and another thing I haven’t done around the house as it was said loud enough for me to hear word for word up in the front bedroom.

If you live in a Victorian terrace, isn't that just part of living in a small house? I can hear DH in the kitchen from upstairs - doesn't mean he's deliberately trying to get my attention, we just have a small house with very little soundproofing!

It does a bit of an over-reaction to running out of milk. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back?

But he shouldn't be shouting and swearing in front of DD.

Neither of you are looking great here to be honest. But sounds like you've taken it on the chin.

he did not throw it though

you are making a big drama out of nothing.

So he thought about throwing something, whilst you were standing there with the innocent bairn. The horror. Not. Stop winding yourself up.

Does he shout and swear and blame you for things he should have done a lot?

You were both very unreasonable and all in ear shot of your poor 18 month dd. How often do you argue or put each other down like this? For your dd sake, you both need to sit down and work out how you will resolve your differences like adults without them ridiculously escalating as you don't back down or consider if this is a healthy environment to raise a child in.

If you both, you cant do this alone, are committed to working it out but don't know where to start consider other resources such as books or couples counselling. If you are both not committed to being the parents your dd deserve seriously think why.

I told him he was overreacting and he told me I do nothing round the house and when I started to defend myself that’s when he told me to go away.

I dunno. The way you describe it, you had literally just started to speak in your own defence and he told you to leave him alone more or less immediately?

Does he usually react like that?

My dad used to do this to my mum when they had an argument... He would block her escape and would keep going on and on and on and on.... never shouted.... never raised his voice.. But never stopped when she asked him to leave her alone.

So in my eyes, you are at fault OP. People all have different "breaking" points and it sounds like you enjoy pushing his buttons to the point his only option was to throw his vape at you.

Why would you have to ASK how to handle it?

You know how you should have handled it.

You SHOULD have walked away the moment he asked you to leave him alone.

If this was reverse we would all be yelling LTB because its a classic sign of being an abusive behavior.

Also, adults are allowed to have a swear and raise their voices every now and then (and it does happen sometimes in front of young children as we are only human) and some houses have terrible sound proofing.

FGS - leave him alone.

I'm the type of person that if I have an argument with anyone I need time to back down, calm down etc. My DH understands this. My DM on the other hand pokes and prodes me (not literally!) tries to make it up with me ASAP (teenage years were fun!) and then wondered why I got upset... blocking him too is really bad.

You should both have a talk later.

The way you describe it, you had literally just started to speak in your own defence and he told you to leave him alone more or less immediately?

That's how I'm reading it.

Plus, he made a strong accusation but didn't want to hear the reply.

It certainly doesn't seem the case that you chased him round the house pushing your case or accusing him of anything.

In that sense, he seems very unreasonable to me. In saying that you do "nothing" round the house, and in blaming you for his physically threatening reaction.

I hope I'm wrong, but threats are only the beginning for the actual act. Blaming the other for things that are his fault and for his reaction is another red flag.
There's no self-criticism or apology anywhere.

You mentioned your dd thinking it would sway peoples opinion.I t didnt.