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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to throw something at me...

139 replies

Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 12:50

So this is a bit of a AIBU and WWYD.

Rowing with DH, I happened to be stood in the door way. He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on. He got so worked up he went to throw his vape at me, but he stopped himself. At that moment, I looked down and our 18 month daughter had walked in the room and was stood right next to me.

I took our dd and walked off. He came and apologised but tried to justify it by saying it was my fault as I wouldn’t leave him alone.

So I guess I was being unreasonable. I should’ve walked away and let it all cool down before it got to that point but I’m so mad he went to throw something at me, although he did stop himself.

So how would you handle this?

OP posts:
IsobelRae23 · 16/07/2019 13:31

When someone says ‘leave me alone’ you don’t keep going at them, if you respect the person.

BlueSkiesLies · 16/07/2019 13:32

God how exhausting to be you

MyOpinionIsValid · 16/07/2019 13:33

He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on.

You provoked and needled - he's got cntrol - you havent. You are the abusive one in this relationship

MumdayMania · 16/07/2019 13:39

What was the row about?

Rachelover40 · 16/07/2019 13:40

Well, he didn't actually throw something at you and apologised for gesturing. It sounds as though you were both wound up, you need to get to the root of why and try to sort it - preferably without blaming and rowing.

justasking111 · 16/07/2019 13:41

You should save your arguments for when the children are not around.

werideatdawn · 16/07/2019 13:43

If someone wants to be left alone and have time to cool down you leave them alone. How dare you back someone into a corner and then feel put out. Grow up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2019 13:47

Don’t argue when your child is around. If she wandered in she’d already heard you berating him. Don’t block people from walking away when they need to. Find a better way of dealing with conflict ffs.

werideatdawn · 16/07/2019 13:50

Oh and what what I do? I would apologise and next time listen.

Howdidido · 16/07/2019 13:50

It's tough but yes agree with PP- you didn't help matters to follow him round. He'd said he needed to drop it and that was a sensible thing to do. You pinning him down was the aggressive act. Not almost throwing something at you but catching himself.
It's tough not to argue in front of kids but sensible to wait until their in bed and you are both calmer to sort it.
Sorry YWBU

TheHopefulTraveller · 16/07/2019 13:51

It was a row. It's over. Move on.

LadyRannaldini · 16/07/2019 13:51

So you were trying to flog a dead horse and he wouldn't play ball. Sounds 80-20 against you

ModreB · 16/07/2019 13:56

When you are backed into a corner, throwing something is defensive rather than agressive.

My Nana always said, if you can't stop the argument, stop talking, or shouting, take a breather, calm down and consider how important this will be in 100 years time. And then talk in an adult way about the subject of the argument. It sounds like your DH was trying to do this, but you pushed him a bit too far.

BlingLoving · 16/07/2019 13:58

But he didn't throw anything? Even in the heat of an argument, with you refusing to get out of the way so that he could calm down, he had enough self control and presence of mind NOT to throw something. I'd say that all round, he came out of this looking pretty good frankly.

I do sympathise on the not wanting to let the row drag on. DH has form for refusing to continue to deal with it not he basis that he's right, I'm wrong and he doesn't want to discuss it further until I've agreed with him. Drives me bonkers. But I accept it's nonetheless not on for me to keep hounding him.

diddl · 16/07/2019 14:00

You sound awful, OP.

WWID?

Well I'd consider leaving if you argue a lot tbh.

It was your fault that he-well, he actually didn't do anything, did he?

Monday55 · 16/07/2019 14:01

How was the argument going to drag on when he was telling you to leave him alone? By not leaving him alone you're the one who was dragging the row. Pretty immature behaviour from you OP.

Original poster
Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 14:01

Thanks for the replies, hard to read I was in the wrong but I’ll take it away and reflect.

Just to clarify a few points. I was upstairs, dh was down stairs with dd and I heard him shout, swear and slam the fridge door shut because there was no milk. I came down the stairs to see what was going on.

We live on a Victorian terrace so you can imagine the layout. I was in the door way by the stairs and he was all the way down the end of the galley kitchen.

I told him he was overreacting and he told me I do nothing round the house and when I started to defend myself that’s when he told me to go away.

The reason I mentioned dd appearing wasn’t to paint him in a bad light, it was to suggest I don’t know if he’d have thrown it if she hadn’t appeared. She’d been in the living room playing before that moment.

OP posts:
cornish009 · 16/07/2019 14:03

Why would you want to continue to row when your DD was around? Wouldn't it have been better, as your DH suggested, if you had left him alone and then discussed things when a. your DD wasn't about to hear the raised voices and b. you had both had chance to calm down. I think you take the major part of the responsibility I'm afraid - and I know that because I am like you.

Fizzypoo · 16/07/2019 14:07

I think its bad advice not to stop arguing until its sorted. It gets thrown around on TV and in books that its the best way, but I don't think it is.

I actually prefer sleeping on a row and dealing with it the next day when I've had time to process my thoughts.

Rowing like that and badgering him when your dd is around is not the best parenting 🤷‍♀️. I think you should apologise and work out why you feel the need to be in the right and force the row to escalate and continue in front of your dd.

LillithsFamiliar · 16/07/2019 14:09

It all sounds a bit fraught. Running out of milk can be a pain in the arse but it doesn't usually involve shouting, swearing, big rows that 'need to be finished', etc.
Your relationship may have other issues about division of labour, milk buying duties, etc, but you shouldn't have kept trying to 'win' the argument. It's important not to turn every disagreement into a contest for the last word (especially when you have DC because you can't possibly replicate that dynamic with DC who will argue and always disagree with you!).

browzingss · 16/07/2019 14:09

He shouldn’t have threatened you, but you also need to aware when to give your partner space and leave the argument alone, I have been in your partner’s situation where you feel trapped in/ambushed whilst the other person is screaming at you and won’t let you leave, it’s not nice either

AlexaAmbidextra · 16/07/2019 14:10

The reason I mentioned dd appearing wasn’t to paint him in a bad light, it was to suggest I don’t know if he’d have thrown it if she hadn’t appeared.

Oh come on. Of course you were. You were trying to imply that he’d put her in danger.

upple · 16/07/2019 14:13

Sounds like a man who was desperate for a cup of tea and a 'fag'.

Was he being totally unreasonable to think there would be milk in the fridge?

diddl · 16/07/2019 14:14

Oh dear-why didn't you just leave him be when you knew that nothing bad had happened?

It's like when you're fine about something & someone tells you to calm down!

adaline · 16/07/2019 14:15

Right, but he didn't actually do anything wrong, did he? He asked you to go away, and you didn't. He didn't throw anything at you, just asked you to leave him alone and you didn't, you carried on pestering instead.

I also have to say you coming downstairs to "check up on what was happening" would have annoyed me too, sorry.

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