DH went to throw something at me...

[Hornet7067]

So this is a bit of a AIBU and WWYD.

Rowing with DH, I happened to be stood in the door way. He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on. He got so worked up he went to throw his vape at me, but he stopped himself. At that moment, I looked down and our 18 month daughter had walked in the room and was stood right next to me.

I took our dd and walked off. He came and apologised but tried to justify it by saying it was my fault as I wouldn’t leave him alone.

So I guess I was being unreasonable. I should’ve walked away and let it all cool down before it got to that point but I’m so mad he went to throw something at me, although he did stop himself.

So how would you handle this?

defend not define

OK OP, with more detail and nuance I have changed my view.
He knew the milk was used up
He had said he would get more
He deliberately shouted loudly, immediately blaming you
When you sought to defend yourself he tried to shut you down
As he always does after he had had his go at you.

In the heat of the moment , I think this was good advice from a PP; “In future, walk away, let the situation calm down, and then raise it again, in a 'I'll say this only once - I don't think xxx was fair, etc' - and then YOU walk away, as if the conversation has ended.

Don't let it be swept under the carpet - just handle it more tactically (that's 'tactically', not 'tactfully') in the future.”

He is unfair , taking his anger out on you. He should not be shouting criticism about you in front of your Dd. If you could hear it, so could she.

He had no right to shit you down. Divert or delay when Dd is present but not deny you a day. That isn’t s partnership , it isn’t a team.

Sounds like he's being an arse. He forgets the milk, swears and slams around, then when you turn up and point out that he forgot it after saying he'd get it, he accuses you of doing nothing and tells you to leave him alone, gestures that he's going to throw something at you and your baby?!
And on top of that he doesn't recognise that you are in fact doing loads of work of the household -- he thinks he is doing "everything" because occasionally he does something (despite having a penis)...

@ShawshanksRedemption I think you have got it spot on!

The problem is talking doesn’t work because it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s never enough because DH works 5 days a week and I only work 3.

For example today was one of my days at work. We all got up at the same time then dh got dd ready whilst I showered. I then took over whilst he showered and then I took dd to childcare. Did a day at work. Picked dd up, got home and went shop to buy the forgotten milk. As we walked back, dh arrived home. I then tidied dd’s bag and stuff away, gave dd a bath but asked for help half way through with washing her hair. DH took over after the hair was finished, I got all the stuff ready for dd once she got out the bath, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. Read dd a couple of stories whilst doing dinner for me and DH (heated up something I’d previously batched cooked). Put dd to bed.

But DH will still see it that he had the harder day and that I’ve not done enough because he got home later than me, albeit about 5 mins, I couldn’t manage bath time by myself (that will get thrown in my face at some point). Because he got her ready for bed after her bath and is still out in the garden painting the fences whilst I had a bath (which btw I had because 1. my hair needed washing and I don’t have time in the mornings and 2. Because I’m suffering really badly with piles and I was hoping it would help).

I don’t moan at DH that he isn’t doing enough, I just ask occasionally that he puts his dirty dishes and stuff in the dishwasher rather than the sink but it’s always met with a defensive response about how much he is doing.

I will say DH is better at tidying than me but generally I do the actual cleaning, washing, washing up, cooking and shopping etc.

And for the posters who are going to scream drip feed, change of story etc. please bore off. I didn’t want to go into all this originally but I’ve decided whilst I’m bearing all I might as well hear if people think I’m as lazy as DH clearly does?

Going by that description, I'd say neither of you are lazy and are both rubbing along like team players should. He has no right or reason to think of you as lazy, nor you him, based on what you've said.

Reading further into this, he sounds tired and stressed with the general minutiae of life. But what parent doesn't? I think you need to address his attitude but in a non-hostile way.

Flipping his lid over no milk was ridiculous but I understand when your stressed things like that can and do happen. Hopefully you can open up decent dialogue with each other to prevent scenarios like this recurring. Be firm, don't let him shut you down, but don't shut him down either. Keep communication open.

The milk was his fault as he forgot the milk.

You should have just ignored his tantrum though.

But he didn't throw anything so I don't think you can hold that against him.

So you were both in the wrong and you should give each other more leniency.

I think this is an instance that can still be sorted by counselling.
You need a safe environment to have your say without him blaming you unfairly or shutting you down.

If he refuses counselling and refuses to hear you, even when all has calmed down, I think you should evaluate your relationship carefully.

I'd take the threat of physical violence seriously, as well, even if most pps minimise it.
Be very firm with him that any mor such threats or actual throwing anything at you will mean the end of the relationship. Stick to it too. Little by little is how you end up in a seriously fucked up abusive relationship.

Hey OP,

YANBU. My mother is the exact same as your DH. She will pick an argument by saying something awful/accusing me of something and then claim she is too stressed to talk about it when i try to defend myself. Has become physically violent if i refuse to back down. Doesnt help that my sister also has anger issues and enables this shitty behaviour.

Not sure what advice I can give you because unless you become a total doormat then the relationship will only deteriorate (as happened with me and my mother). Maybe counselling? Though that hinges on him admitting he has an issue.

Also, ignore the other posters. I always used to get the "give her space to cool off, its your fault, you know how she gets," until of course they eventually were met with the same behaviour. I suspect the enablers that are blaming you have their own anger problems. Unless you were straight up verbally abusing him, then your words weren't "violence"that he was "defending" himself against.

And loool at the people saying they get upset over no milk. Pathetic.

Can't believe this thread and the kicking the OP is getting, or the people claiming that shouting, swearing and slamming doors due to a lack of milk within earshot of your 18 month old daughter is just "being an adult" (what about being a parent? Going to go down well when she's shouting and slamming and saying fuck at nursery isn't it?)

OP I know what it's like to live with someone who has totally inappropriate levels of anger and frustration about every little thing. It's exhausting and stressful and every day you're on eggshells wondering what tiny thing you hadn't even noticed they're going to start yelling and ranting about next. After children it becomes intolerable because you realise how much of your life you live hunkered down, and see it starting to happen to them, or find yourself policing their completely normal behaviour so they don't "set daddy off" - and a great big re-evaluate takes place and tension rises as you stop doing all the work you'd unconsciously been doing to keep him sweet.

And astonished people think the grown up way to have an argument is to calmly take verbal abuse and then accept being sumarily dismissed before being allowed to say anything in your defense. And I daresay raising it again in s calmer context would be seen as failing to "move on". So just shut up, walk away, wait for the next unjustified bollocking and silencing, take that, move on, rinse and repeat until you are ground down to nothing. A bully's dream.

Just as a reality check to those who o viously enjoy "expressing themselves" by the medium of disproportionate displays of anger, normal reaction to discovering there's no milk in:

"Tch, no milk, what f - clocks toddler bumbling past open door fuuudging nuisance. Oi love there's no milk in - can you pop to the shop while I watch DD or shall I go and you watch her?"

Decision made, milk got, no rage, no blame.

Shop not open? Have some fucking chamomile and chill all the way out. Seriously anyone shouting and swearing about milk in front of a toddler needs to work on their self control.

On th other hand OP if the situation arises again and he yells you to go away, do it. Not because you should or he's in the right to refuse to discuss, but because he's shown that when you challenge his authority he is willing to contemplate violence. Decide how you feel about that, and try and imagine an argument between him and an irrational, hormonal teenage DD when she refuses to back down over some trivial thing. Imagine how that might go.

Agree with everything you said weaningwoes!

@MumdayMania WHY should she ignore his tantrum?? How many tantrums? Is she allowed to throw tantrums that he should just ignore whenever she feels like it? Can she throw a tantrum about his tantrum?

FFS. She's meant to be in partnership with an adult. When we're adults, if people say our behaviour is unacceptable, we should be capable of having a discussion about that without stropping off or threatening violence. If he was at work and someone had nicked his milk, would he shout and swear and slam around, then threaten to throw something at his boss if they told him he was behaving unreasonably? Of course he bloody wouldn't because he would be perfectly capable of controlling himself in a situation where it harms his interest not to do so.

One of the tenets of a controlling partner in the book Why Does He Do That (highly recommend)
"An argument should only last as long as my patience does. Once I've had enough, the discussion is over and it is time for you to shut up."

Thank goodness some more normal, reasonable people have turned up on this thread.

Apparently you're a 'Stepford robot' for not shouting, effing, blinding and slamming.

As ever, Mumsnet is a window into another world. The way some people live, the absolute shit they accept as 'normal', and the depths they set the bar, is boggling.