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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH went to throw something at me...

139 replies

Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 12:50

So this is a bit of a AIBU and WWYD.

Rowing with DH, I happened to be stood in the door way. He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on. He got so worked up he went to throw his vape at me, but he stopped himself. At that moment, I looked down and our 18 month daughter had walked in the room and was stood right next to me.

I took our dd and walked off. He came and apologised but tried to justify it by saying it was my fault as I wouldn’t leave him alone.

So I guess I was being unreasonable. I should’ve walked away and let it all cool down before it got to that point but I’m so mad he went to throw something at me, although he did stop himself.

So how would you handle this?

OP posts:

Paramicha · 16/07/2019 16:04

six of one and half a dozen of the other. Cut the drama, no need to handle anything, move on you have a child.

ThatCurlyGirl · 16/07/2019 16:20

I know this must be a bit of a pile on OP so hope you're ok. I used to do the same as you with a particular ex not realising how unhealthy it was and how unsettling it is for the person you won't let have a breather from an argument.

I really had to take a long hard look at myself and think yes, I'm following around a 6'6" man because I want a discussion to be finished and won't let it drop, but his needs (some space to cool down) are equally as important as mine (can't bear to leave anything unresolved) - he was a lovely guy and we ended up having a compromise where one of us would do a stupid face to diffuse the situation and weren't allowed to talk for five minutes but would have a hug.

The difference is we were in our mid twenties, childless and had no financial ties. I appreciate its much different with a little one and the stress of the responsibilities you have, so our strategy would probably be totally ridiculous, but you have to develop some sort of coping mechanism to deal with this, not least because it undermines whatever you're saying because you're being unreasonable.

Hope you can get it sorted

VivienneHolt · 16/07/2019 16:26

It sounds like in this particular situation you both contributed to it - but overall, if he’s generally sweary, shouty and door-slammy over something as inconsequential as there not being enough milk, it sounds like he has a serious attitude problem. Living with someone like that must be exhausting, and I can see why it would make you defensive.

Lweji · 16/07/2019 16:56

If he wanted space to breathe, he shouldn't drop an accusation and run.

By all means, let him go, rather than insisting on replying, but make sure to address his attitudes at some point.
And, yes, handle his threat and how the argument went. Don't let it go. Next time he may well throw something at you or worse. And you chasing him doesn't excuse it.

AndBreatheJustBreathe · 16/07/2019 18:17

Meh. I’m not sure the pile-on the OP is justified.

KarmaStar · 16/07/2019 18:57

Yabu

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 19:37

I fully get staying and wanting to defend yourself.

In future, walk away, let the situation calm down, and then raise it again, in a 'I'll say this only once - I don't think xxx was fair, etc' - and then YOU walk away, as if the conversation has ended.

Don't let it be swept under the carpet - just handle it more tactically (that's 'tactically', not 'tactfully') in the future.

Hope you're Ok.

pikapikachu · 16/07/2019 19:55

You're both wrong but mainly you (80-20?)

He made it clear that he wanted space. Your need to get the row over and done with doesn't outweigh his need for a breather before sorting things out. If this was a stranger then it would be fine to go all or nothing but you're parents and lovers and I totally understand why space would help- he doesn't want this to end up as a fight that you both can't return from.

Throwing something is a childish way to deal with things but you were very aggressive by blocking the doorway and not respecting ring his wishes. The appearance of your dd doesn't make him a worse Dad in this situation. That detail is neither here nor there.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 16/07/2019 20:04

How odd that OP is now tweaking the story so it makes her more reasonable, after everyone telling her she wa unreasonable.

'We were arguing and I wanted to finish the argument' has changed to 'he was shouting and swearing and aggressive, I tried to defend myself and he told me to go away'.

2 very different stories.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/07/2019 20:18

Op comes off bad in the first one...

Original poster

Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 20:26

@Proteinshakesandovieshat really? If you’ve read the whole thread you’ll have seen that I was actually asked the back story about the row, so I explained, then I was asked why I went downstairs, so I explained.

The story hasn’t changed I just provided more information that I was asked for.

I didn’t detail the row in my original post because I wasn’t looking for advice on the topic of the row, I know DH is being unreasonable in that regard, but it seemed the people actually giving advice rather than just judging, thought it was needed to understand the full picture.

OP posts:

chamenanged · 16/07/2019 20:27

I'm really surprised at these responses. All very well to decide you 'need some space' after you've been a total cunt

Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 20:30

How was he a “total cunt”? Your cuntometer is set very low if this behaviour cuts it.

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 20:31

All very well to decide you 'need some space' after you've been a total cunt

Quite.

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 20:33

and I heard him shout, swear and slam the fridge door shut because there was no milk

This is undeniably cuntish in my book. No-one I've ever known has behaved liked this, so I'd suggest some people have a piss poor high threshold for cuntyness.

adaline · 16/07/2019 20:34

All very well to decide you 'need some space' after you've been a total cunt

How was he a total cunt? For swearing over the lack of milk?

Original poster

Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 20:36

Thank you everyone who has responded with advice and support, even those who’ve done so whilst saying I was in the wrong. Constructive responses are what’s great about Mumsnet.

I’ve been thinking about what everyone has said all afternoon and I know the reason I wouldn’t give him the space he asked for is because every row we’ve ever had (and before a keyboard warrior says something, there haven’t been that many) have always gone the same way. He says what he wants to say and then when I try and respond he demands that I just leave him alone.

He even text me this morning at work carrying on the row and then sent another message straight after saying and let’s leave it there as I’m trying to get work done.

I didn’t leave it there as I don’t think it’s fair he gets to say what he thinks and I’m not allowed to respond.

I’m going to wait until the row has all blown over and then have a serious chat with him about all of this. Either he says his side and hears me out or he says nothing.

OP posts:

adaline · 16/07/2019 20:36

This is undeniably cuntish in my book. No-one I've ever known has behaved liked this, so I'd suggest some people have a piss poor high threshold for cuntyness.

Oh, I must be a massive cunt then. I've often gone to the fridge for milk or the cupboard for bread, realised we've been out and gone "Oh, for fucks sake" and shut the door in annoyance.

What, exactly, is so bad about that?

Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 20:37

Me too @adaline.

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 20:40

Shouting, swearing and slamming the fridge door because there's no milk

Who does that...?

MonstranceClock · 16/07/2019 20:41

Most normal people who aren't stepford robots...

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 16/07/2019 20:41

If you’ve read the whole thread you’ll have seen that I was actually asked the back story about the row, so I explained, then I was asked why I went downstairs, so I explained.

I have read the whole thread. And think you are minimising your part in it.

He might be awful. You might be.

It's impossible to tell.

Original poster

Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 20:41

@adaline and @Alsohuman there’s a huge difference between muttering a for fuck sake as you slam the door to yourself, than shouting in an aggressive manner so someone upstairs could hear.

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 20:41

At least two of us apparently.

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 20:42

You must have some quite serious anger issues then.

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