Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to throw something at me...

139 replies

Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 12:50

So this is a bit of a AIBU and WWYD.

Rowing with DH, I happened to be stood in the door way. He was telling me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t as I wanted to finish the row rather than let it drag on. He got so worked up he went to throw his vape at me, but he stopped himself. At that moment, I looked down and our 18 month daughter had walked in the room and was stood right next to me.

I took our dd and walked off. He came and apologised but tried to justify it by saying it was my fault as I wouldn’t leave him alone.

So I guess I was being unreasonable. I should’ve walked away and let it all cool down before it got to that point but I’m so mad he went to throw something at me, although he did stop himself.

So how would you handle this?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 20:43

And you’re a saint. Clearly.

slipperywhensparticus · 16/07/2019 20:44

Victorian terrace? So he could have walked out the back door at any time?

Yes you should have backed off but his reaction over a distinct lack of milk is fucking appalling to cuss out the planet then to verbally berate you over complete fuck all is pathetic so is the go away leave me alone shit he knew he was wrong he wanted you to piss off before you saw how wrong he was

Next time he tells you to leave pack a bag and take him at his word

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 16/07/2019 20:45

It's funny because I rarely argue with anyone and am laid back. But I would swear if I fancied a cup of tea and there was no milk.

No anger issues here. Grin

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 20:45

I do manage not to lose my shit over a bottle of milk in front of my DC, if that's what you consider saintly.

Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 20:46

Well mine’s 44 and swears far worse than me so that’s not a worry for me.

adaline · 16/07/2019 20:50

there’s a huge difference between muttering a for fuck sake as you slam the door to yourself, than shouting in an aggressive manner so someone upstairs could hear.

But you've said you live in a small terrace - sound travels.

I do manage not to lose my shit over a bottle of milk in front of my DC

Where did he lose his shit? He swore and slammed the fridge door - no, not perfect but it's hardly abusive, aggressive or being a cunt Confused

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 20:54

I guess not, if it's your normal.

It's not my normal.

adaline · 16/07/2019 20:55

It's not my normal.

Good for you, being so perfect you never get pissed off over little things then.

Original poster
Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 20:56

@adaline yes we do and hearing everything is my one complaint about our house, but you can’t hear if someone calls down from upstairs and you’re in the kitchen.

I’m sure someone will say I’m making that up too to suit my story but honestly what would the point be?

Regardless of the above, I have no doubt he was making it known he was angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 20:57

@slipperywhensparticus the back door is off the dining room so yep he had free access to that.

OP posts:
OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 20:57

Good for you, being so perfect you never get pissed off over little things then.

I'm not even talking about me - I'm talking about my DH, my DF, my DB, etc

No, it's not normal, it's a total overreaction.

Cecilandsnail · 16/07/2019 21:00

Well you did back him into a corner! And he didn't actually throw anything, so I'm inclined to say you are more at fault. Is he inclined to walk away from arguments and refuse to resolve them at a later time? Because if so I do understand why you would try to force it to a conclusion, but it still isn't the best course of action. You need a conversation about arguing styles when you are both calm and try to come.to some agreement about how to resolve issues that doesn't end in door blocking and rage. If you can't resolve it, maybe try counselling?

Karwomannghia · 16/07/2019 21:01

OP I’ve had the same and it pisses me right off. Dh says something unreasonable and tries to shut down anything I say back in my defence by telling me to stop arguing and leave it now.
I tend to take it to text or try not to respond in the first place other than what did you say? Which allows a bit of time to reflect without having to point out the obvious.
But it’s one of the most frustrating things to have someone say something horrible and then not allow you to respond.

Cecilandsnail · 16/07/2019 21:01

Omg a million updates. That'll teach me for leaving a thread open and coming back to it later on!

chamenanged · 16/07/2019 21:07

Your cuntometer is set very low if this behaviour cuts it

Thank you. It works well for me to have it set so low - for example, my partner would not dream of shouting where I could hear (and therefore a toddler could hear) about milk that he had forgotten. Let alone then telling me I do nothing around the house because, to reiterate, he had forgotten the milk. Give him space indeed. I'd be giving him a space the exact shape and size of my presence in his life.

ShatteredBrianne · 16/07/2019 21:15

From your updates OP, I'd say he massively overreacted regarding no milk. I can understand if he opened the fridge, saw there was no milk that he was meant to get and said 'ah fuck, there's no milk' to himself or whatever. But to shout, swear and slam the door sounds OTT, especially when your toddler was downstairs. It seems he has other issues re. division of labour bubbling under the surface.

You have said you'll address how you handled it, so it's good you've listened to the comments and will take them on board.

When your dd is in bed and you are both calm, discuss the issues that are bothering you both and try to come up with a solution between you. Don't be hard on each other, having young kids is tough.

Tallgreenbottle · 16/07/2019 21:22

Your cornered am angry human. Most would lash out in some way in that situation OP. You also sound a total delight Confused

Rowing infront of your 18m old? Really? Grow the fuck up.

Karwomannghia · 16/07/2019 21:26

Love how the people berating you for rowing are so argumentative and sweary. Confused

adriennewillfly · 16/07/2019 21:33

I might be reading too much into it, but it sounds like you're at the end of your tether with him. Is there some more to his behaviour?

OooErMissus · 16/07/2019 21:33

Your cuntometer is set very low if this behaviour cuts it

Thank you. It works well for me to have it set so low

Grin

I love how having a low threshold for cunty behaviour is somehow an insult. Incredible.

Look, everyone gets annoyed when they realise there's no milk in the fridge for their coffee/tea.

Responding like a candidate for Jeremy Kyle is completely abnormal, no matter how much some people on here need to bizarrely insist it's not.

Put the stupid milk-related swearing, shouting, slamming extravaganza to one side for a moment - giving out to someone and then shutting them down before they can respond undoubtedly is cunty behaviour.

OP - I hope you're blithely ignoring posts from people like Tallgreenbottle. Smile

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 16/07/2019 21:36

Well, you've already got the poster claiming your husband is abusive and will escalate it so they're worried and you're just 100% a total victim and blameless in all this, and I've noticed how quickly you jumped on that one with another dripfeed to encourage it.

It's pretty clear you got what you came for.

ReganSomerset · 16/07/2019 21:38

Hmm. Given your updates, I've changed my mind and think he was being unreasonable.

  1. For shouting and swearing aggressively over something trivial while in charge of an 18 month old
  2. For never letting you have your say
  3. For airing dirty laundry in front of your DD and being disrespectful to you in front of her
  4. For threatening to throw something at you.
  5. For not getting the milk and then getting angry at you for it.

He's being very unreasonable.

Original poster
Hornet7067 · 16/07/2019 21:47

@MrsDesireeCarthorse what post have you been reading? I don’t know what you mean about the drip feed and more importantly no one has said DH is abusive, let alone me jump on it. In fact 90% of replies have told me I was the one in the wrong and I’ve acknowledged that and said I will make changes going forward!

OP posts:
ShatteredBrianne · 16/07/2019 21:51

Ah people read what they want to read into threads like this. Don't worry about it.

You know you were both unreasonable and you've agreed to change your part in all this. Don't be put off by what some posters are saying here. Not everything is black and white.

ShawshanksRedemption · 16/07/2019 21:54

He's annoyed at no milk, when he was the one that forgot it. However, he is frustrated and wants to vent that there is no milk. His venting makes you feel it's targeted at you, you react, he doesn't want to discuss it and shuts it down. You feel resentful as he's shut it down giving you no option to define yourself.

Underlying this all is the fact he feels you don't do enough around the house.

You both need to sit down and discuss this, when calmer, as it's not the milk that's the issue.