...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

[stilldontgiveaf]

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

[BrendasUmbrella]

Ignore, detach, step back

This. It sounds as though you have stepped out of the drama anyway. But yes, no more invitations, no more being his personal counsellor, don't put his name on the birth cert and don't give the baby his last name. I think he will dither in and out of your lives for a year or two and then give up. All you will get from inviting him in is hassle.

[Rachelover40]

PS: I've noted that you are financially secure, that is so good. I'm sorry but didn't see how long the thread was, still haven't read it all and will now go back and plough through.

Take care of yourself.

[Dieu]

Focus on you and your baby, and please - I mean this kindly - don't get into any more relationships until you've had counselling x

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Dieu I've just come out of counselling. Thank you though.

[Coyoacan]

Hiya OP. I just wanted to say as someone who was a single mother from the getgo, that as soon as your baby is born, you will stop worrying about this jerk.

I recommend you:

1. Put together all the information you can about the father and his family, for when your child is old enough to want to know,
   
   
2. Do without the child maintenance, as that might force his or his father's hand, to go for parental responsability,
   
   
3. As long as he doesn't have PR, you can let him have a relationship with the child, if he shows an interest, under your terms.
   
   Good luck, OP.

[Zilla1]

Try not to build the father in your head into the person you want him to be for you and for his child. He won't be that person. It's possible he will change but from what you've said about him, his family and him having a new GF, it's probably not worth expending more energy thinking about it.

Concentrate on you and your baby.

After the birth, seek maintenance and comply with any requirements. Don't give headspace to his father opening post and similar rubbish. It's not impossible he got a friend to call at the time you were meeting to pretend to be his father and shout if he wants to try and keep you from his family by making you think he's an ogre. Fathers to be have done worse, especially one who wanted you to terminate. You shouldn't believe what he says, based on what's happened.

Ignore any instructions from the family for a DNA test before they'll entertain getting involved. They're not your boss. If they speak to you directly, say if a DNA test is required for child maintenance purposes then he'll have to give one or pay anyway. Until that point, do't engage with them about a DNA test. You've nothing to hide.

Good luck.

[Zilla1]

As BrendasUmbrella says, don't put his name on the birth certificate nor his surname nor parental rights unless mandated by the courts. In England and Wales, I think these are separate from financial claims.

[stilldontgiveaf]

Re the family, I don't think they are that bothered. Back when it all came out that I was pregnant and they wanted proof, I even offered to do the testing while I was pregnant because I was that adamant to prove I wasn't the liar their son was making me out to be.

Safe to say I heard nothing back.

If I do get contacted somehow after the birth (as they know when I'm due) I'm not sure how I'd feel. I know for sure there would be anger towards them. But at the same time, maybe they've been just as duped by their son as I have been.

At this moment in time, I'm confused as to whether to claim the CSA or not. I've got another four months until I have to deal with this sort of thing anyway. I'm getting mixed opinions on whether I should or shouldn't claim. I can see the reasonings on both sides.

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Zilla1 yeah, you're correct they are separate here. I can file a claim for CSA without him on the BC. He is legally required to pay from the day of the claim unless he can prove that he is not the father. If he denies a test he will still be liable to pay. If he does the test, he will have prove of being the father. The only bad thing with that would be it would speed up the process if he applied for a "declaration or parentage" via the courts to be placed on the BC.

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Zilla1 sorry, that was meant to say "he would have proof"

[Motoko]

If you want to fade out, as you said earlier, don't apply for maintenance.

If you do apply for it, he'll probably fiddle his earnings, so you won't get anything, anyway, and he'll also then be reminded of you, and might start playing games, threatening to take you to court for access, etc.

I think, as things stand, I wouldn't bother. I'd keep details of him and his family, so that if your child wishes to track them down, when they're 18, they have the information to get started.

[anon812]

Tbh it's quite likely they have also been duped by him. Parents are never going to want to accept that their precious son is a love rat. But you are def doing the right thing in putting the claim in. Just stay legal and factual with it, however hard that is. The parents may not accept that their son is an arsehole but when the DNA test comes back they will have to accept that he is the father. As someone mentioned before, it's likely this isn't the first time he's found himself in this situation hence hence his father being so unpleasant to you.

Anyway congrats on your baby a really exciting time despite all the crap from his family. Are you going to find out the gender do you reckon? I'm currently 17 weeks with a baby boy 🥰 (did Panorama at 9 weeks) x

[stilldontgiveaf]

@anon812 congratulations to you! I paid for a private scan at 16 weeks and found out it's a boy :)

[anon812]

Aww amazing!! Team blue! 💙💙

[MissB83]

Agree with pp that he has probably lied to his family. My son's father always tells his family a right load of crap about me, in which I'm always the bad guy and he's the innocent victim. I wouldn't bother yourself about it because I would put good money on it that those people just won't be in your and your son's life in future.

Also agree not to put too much effort on the maintenance issue. I tried and it took 12 months to get anything at all, then it stopped, now it's going through as collect and pay but still not seen anything else I've had about £150 in total since my son was born nearly 17 months ago. Just arrange yourself on the assumption that you won't be getting any maintenance as CMS are a complete joke.

[saywhatwhatnow]

I second giving the child YOUR surname. And NOT putting the father on the birth certificate. If he wants to be a parent he needs to prove that he's serious, but unfortunately my prediction is that he won't. Good luck OP, you'll be just fine.

[Smotheroffive]

Yay 👣. Ooooo!

Personally, foe your own energy and sanity sake (and therefore benefit to baby) i wouldnt put his name on BC, no way! Not after his demonstration of who he is!

I wouldn't be considering approaching cms with a claim, until you are really on your feet again with your baby, you are foing to be busy.

You wil miss out on nothing not having him in yiur life, and neither will yiur baby boy. Oh apart from the headmess and drama of course.

You need to avoid getting back to the place of posting something like your OP ever again!

[stilldontgiveaf]

He definitely won't be going on the birth certificate, that's for sure.

I can't see any effort being made by him and it'll only end it tears having any form of contact. I just need to pretend he doesn't exist anymore.

[Namechange169376]

Is this my ex? 4 years on and dd is 3 and still nothing. Apparently he moved away.

Cut your losses and plan for just you and baby.

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Namechange169376 can you imagine if it is? 😂

[Motoko]

OP would only be able to have his name on the BC, if he went with her to register the baby. Anyway, she's already said she doesn't want him on there, and the baby's having her name.

[stilldontgiveaf]

Funnily enough, I mentioned to him about the BC a while back. This is back when I was gullible and was thinking it was a good idea for him to be on there. He said "I don't know if I want to go on there, can I think about it...?"

🤦🏼‍♀️

How did I allow myself to fall for any of his shit 😂

[stilldontgiveaf]

Also, laying here and baby is kicking around furiously tonight.

I can't wait to meet him 😭💙

[Smotheroffive]

Ooo we all want to meet him! How exciting

Baby kicking!
👣

[lilmishap]

Have you got other kids?

You seem very switched on and I think you'll rock this whatever route you choose. You've been in a refuge so you know what you will or will not tolerate. Refuges are hard
Trust me he will be a memory in a few months, it is so normal to feel like a twat when you see you've been led up a garden path to a bullshit cesspit.The rage followed by the inconsolable 'god what will I do' is just a moment.
This situation is not your life it's just some dickhead who slipped under the radar and momentarily made himself a big deal, he is just a blip in your life, he is not the pregnancy just some bloke, but forgive yourself anyway and although it will be hard if you decide to go ahead with this you will be so proud and if you decide not to it's the same.

You got this