...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

[stilldontgiveaf]

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

I am not upset that he doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm not jealous because he's with someone now. I was more concerned for her being lied to a duped

You wanted to lose your shit you said, but now it was about concern

I can totally see what a massive upheaval all this would be psychologically and emotionally for you, not bothered about him and his fucked up life, and whomever he may continue to fuck up.

You sound to have made your choices, and decided to be the better, responsible person.

Step away from the edge!
Dont be tempted to fall in again!

Deal with his family if you want, but i wouldn't, by association with him!

How uch money are we talking about here? How much is a CSA payment?

You are 28, with your own place and your own job. You've got this. Leave him be to create his own drama. Relax and enjoy your next few weeks and months.

@Jellybeansincognito go away please.

After my initial rant on here and reading your replies, it's helping me come to a realisation quicker which is what I needed. So thank you to those who have helped.

And op, i don’t really know why you posted, your post and your comments now reflect differently. Do you even know what you want?

Why is it hard to understand that she posted to vent and was angry but as she calms down and reads other peoples posts she is getting the confidence that she doesn't need this or any guy.

Why are you feeling the need to post in such an antagonist manner? No need to answer that - maybe just have a moment and think about it for yourself.

@Jellybeansincognito I just won't even reason with you because you suggested I terminate my pregnancy at 18 weeks.

Never did I suggest that was an option. If it was, I'd post on pregnancy choices. So just go away. I have no time for you after you suggest I end my unborn child's life. You're just as bad as he is. Go away.

@Jellybeansincognito it reads as though your issue is that she is pregnant outside of a stable relationship. Is that really the problem you are having with this?

Lots of people are single parents. I'm not sure why you seem to think it is a catastrophe.

@sillysmiles yep. If I was relying on my parents, living with them, jobless, whatever, then yeah I'd get someone saying maybe this isn't the best option. I've lived alone since I was 18. I've worked since I was 15. I've got things in place ready to be a single mother. I was just getting angry at the heap of lies 😂😂😂

From the original post I genuinely thought wtf are you doing.

From comments now there’s no issue really, it’s not ideal but I have nothing against single parents. Relationships aren’t exactly concrete and they can break down at any point.
It’s hard being married, having a decent income and having 2 kids so I applaud single mothers for what they do.

@Jellybeansincognito to be honest with you, reading through this thread and speaking to others I had a realisation of wtf am I doing meaning why am I entertaining him.

It stops now. I'm done with him and he's immaturity and lies.

We will see if anyone pops up in four months time. If not, then fine. Makes my life easier I guess. I'm not chasing this anymore.

OP, continuing your theme of setting yourself up for when the baby arrives, have you considered doing or previously done the Freedom Programme?

It might help you deal with any future manipulation/games/lying/assorted other antics more easily and help you to protect yourself and trust your own judgement. They teach about the dynamics of abuse and what healthy relationships look like, how to protect yourself from abusive behaviours, etc.

Given what you've been through in the past and the nonsense you've had to put up with lately, I wonder if it could be helpful for you to have that space to explore what healthy relationships should look like and shore up your confidence in setting your boundaries rather than erring towards appeasing people and trying to be the nice/exceptionally reasonable one (which does tend to be a lasting legacy of surviving DV).

It also covers how children can be affected by abusive vs healthy relationships, which you may find helpful in making decisions in future, eg in feeling comfortable in where you want to draw the line in tolerating crappy behaviour to maintain contact vs worrying about your child feeling how you did growing up.

I hope this makes sense - I'm not judging or criticising you here, I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you to go through that with your dad. I just get the sense you feel torn about what to do for the best, and I always figure the more information we have can only be helpful!

The group courses are free to attend and open to any woman. Unlike some posters here they won't judge you or tell you what to do. In fact, you don't even have to share anything about your life if you don't want. It's information, not therapy (no standing up to share your life story).

Anyway, just thought I'd mention it in case it's something you want to explore: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Firstly, does he not see the hilarity in suggesting that you're only after him for his money when he is a 26 year old living at home with bailiffs chasing him?? Dude.... you are NOT a catch.

Secondly I think you know what you have to do. Have absolutely zero contact with him ever again.

I know that given your personal history, this is hard for you to stomach, but just because you had the experience you did, doesn't mean that you are repeating history here. If you withdraw yourself completely from this sorry excuse for a man, you are making an intentional and rational decision for the benefit of your child. Nothing good can come of a child being shunted around for visitation with a man who plainly wishes the child didn't exist and begrudges the £2.50 a week or whatever bullshit amount he will be required to pay you by CSA. All of that can only harm your child's self-esteem, never mind the (supposedly?) abusive father (although one wonders if the father is abusive or sick to the back teeth of his son's irresponsibility?).

You know already not to put the father's name anywhere NEAR the birth cert. I would suggest that his financial circumstances mean that going down the CSA route will bring you zero cash but a LOT of stress.

Drop all contact with him and anybody connected to him in any way. If he gets in touch again, say you had a termination/miscarriage. He'll be delighted and you'll never have to see him again. Do you live in a small town or have a connected social circle where he might find out that you have a child down the line & do a bit of mental arithmetic?

You have a responsibility to yourself and you and your baby's health to withdraw from the drama that exists around this guy. Don't seek drama. Any further contact you have with him, his family or his friends = actively seeking drama.

Enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to the cosy and loving little family of two that you're going to have this winter.

How are you financially?

Do an online CMS calculator to see how much he’d actually have to pay you each week. You may have to guess at his salary if you don’t know the exact amount. He does have to rightfully pay this money regardless but if it’s an insignificant amount to you, I’d be tempted to just cut your losses full stop and cut him out entirely. It saves the hassle and drama in the long run.

I understand you thinking a child needs both parents to be fulfilled and happy. I can’t tell you how much I have fought over the years for my DC to have a decent relationship with their Dad and I was married to him for many years but sadly sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

He sounds like a teenage boy, it’s actually ridiculous that he’s 26.

Actually, given your last post, you may find this useful for any future dealings with him and/or his family: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

All I keep seeing is he wants this and he wants that. What do you want OP? He does not want to be a Dad, he should have used reliable contraception then. He does not want a DNA test. You will need it for CSA claim. Make sure you name him on birth certificate as your child has right to know who his Dad is even if he is a dickhead.

@thetimekeeper Thanks for your post, I completed this programme in 2017. I spent 6 months in a women's refuge last year too. You're right in your way of thinking. I need to apply previous knowledge to this and prevent any future emotional abuse, gas lighting or manipulative behaviours that may come. I'll just have to be very wary.

@caringcarer you can’t just put someone on a birth certificate, they have to be present unless married.

I’m sorry you think I tried to patronise you Jelly. I was only using the usual vocabulary I use in general day to day life 🤷‍♀️

@crosspelican you are so right! He even said when I met him again "I spent some time thinking you trapped me" and I laughed without thinking! I said "seriously? Given your situation? I can assure you I didn't do this on purpose. I'm just trying to deal with it now." I felt a bit bad after actually.

Financially I am okay. I won't depend on his CSA therefore not even considering putting in a claim now, just to protect myself and the baby in the future should anything arise. It was more a principle thing at the time.

Your style of writing is patronising, not your use of vocabulary.

@Pinktinker sometimes I can't believe he's 26.

I did the calculator before. Based on his income he'd need to pay me £54 a week. However, he is self employed and the owner of the place he works at does his taxes for him. He's a tax dodger by the sounds of it, so I wouldn't get anything anyway. It's all cash in hand.

‘Financially I am okay. I won't depend on his CSA therefore not even considering putting in a claim now, just to protect myself and the baby in the future should anything arise. It was more a principle thing at the time‘

It doesn’t protect you though? Not really, he can push for a dna test, rights and contact at any time.

@caringcarer that was my initial thought. I wanted the dna and him on the BC for my child to know who the father is when he's older. But now I'm not so sure on doing that.

The only thing you could do to protect yourself from him and his family tbh is making yourself extremely hard to find.

Change your name on social media/ move away if possible, that sort of thing.