...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

[stilldontgiveaf]

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

@Jellybeansincognito Yes, I know he can. It just buys more time. It's a longer process for him to do that. However, if by some miracle when the baby is here and he ups his game and steps up there is nothing to say he can't go on the BC and have his rights.

‘caringcarer that was my initial thought. I wanted the dna and him on the BC for my child to know who the father is when he's older. But now I'm not so sure on doing that‘

It’s not something you have full control of, he can push for this at any point.

I know, I think you’re just concentrating on the wrong things.

Unless you have full control I honestly wouldn’t worry.
At least you’re aware things can change.

@crosspelican, I think your last post is super great 😎

Yes @Jellybeansincognito I'm aware he can... it's whether or not he chooses to do that, isn't it?

Your style of writing is patronising, not your use of vocabulary

Yes, I can see it would feel like that after having had to have had the same point explained to you repeatedly.

It doesn’t protect you though? Not really, he can push for a dna test, rights and contact at any time.

She can cross that bridge when she comes to it though. Right now he seems as though he will heave a great sigh of relief. Doesn't make him less of a prat, but it seems as though stilldontgiveaf needs a bit of peace right now.

In the meantime, she can just vanish from social media and permanently drop all and any contact with anyone connected to him.

Yes, luckily we don't live in the same county. It'll be very easy for me to fade away from him and he definitely will be relieved when I do.

Yes, luckily we don't live in the same county. It'll be very easy for me to fade away from him and he definitely will be relieved when I do.

Brilliant - that's great news. Focus on you now.

Let's face it, you weren't worrying about your 'poor baby' when you created it with a man you barely know.
So much drama in less than 18 weeks - you really need to knock it on the head and withdraw from it now. Don't allow the baby to be born into a mess.

You need to put things in place as a single mum to ensure you and baby are secure.
Say nothing more to him or his family - you don't need to dramatically flounce. Go silent. Deactivate social media or lock down your security settings and say nothing identifying of the pregnancy/baby
Look after yourself and baby.

If you want financial support from him you're going to have to go through the correct avenues, who'll do a DNA test and when it's proven that he's the father he'll be allowed access to the child.
You then cannot stop him from having the child or prevent him from bringing the child around whoever he wants.
All for a pittance of 'support' - honestly, I'd avoid that route if at all possible.

For now just prepare for the arrival and don't give him or his family any ammunition. If you receive any threats or are scared for your safety, call the police.

Lovely supportive very wise words in some of those pp.

I am so sorry to learn you've already had need of refuge and the freedom programme. I really am.

I think its incredibly brave to start a thread and to defend your position as you have, plus doing a public 360 from your OP, you have come far in a short time.

I wholeheartedly agree with the approach to get further confidence building and asserting boundaries, which is what the follow up course to FP does. You can repeat FP, and then go on the next one.

Parenthood is going to demand a lot of those boundaries and staying out of drama's, your dc will likely give you all that you can handle and some so other adults, all of them (including future partners), come second, third, fourth and irrelevant to that.

ps up there is nothing to say he can't go on the BC and have his rights

Ooops! You fell back in there. Everything you already said really does say why he shouldnt go on the BC.

Giving him rights will fuck up your world and your DC's.

If youve done the FP you'll be aware how such entitled manipulating lying headworkers dont change. Well, so rarely as to be not worth wasting time and energy wondering about.

He put you and your baby firmly out of his world, listen and hear this always. He doesnt want you or your baby, but boy oh boy is a baby a powerful weapon to play with to control and hurt its mother.

With babies, and abusers, you always err on the side of caution, always

To be honest, I think both of you need to think about what you understand by the term"relationship" . I don't think you were in a "relationship" with him , you don't seem to know much about him, his family, their values. I think you were what used to be called going out, but with irresponsible shagging involved. If he is now in a"relationship" with a new woman I hope she is a lot more sensible about contraception than either of you were.

In some ways this story would be more understandable if you were both young teens, the fact that you are both in your late twenties makes it a tragedy.

He doesnt automatically get access and contact.

He might get it if he applies to court, and OP keeps her address redacted from anything he wont know how to contact to pursue an application.

She can choose a time, and an if, thats going to happen.

If youve been raised on social media, stepping away is going to be life altering, isolating, and upsetting.

It requires another complete turn around, but essential to keep you both safe. I am sure that refuge and FP will have already made this clear to you though.

@Smotheroffive when I'd said there was nothing to say he couldn't go on the bc and have rights, that was if "by some miracle" he stepped up and changed. I'm fully aware that miracle won't happen and am susceptible to further lies and/or manipulation. There would be a hell of a lot for him to prove before I even considering doing that, and I strongly believe now he won't do it.

Dubious value in sermons on the mount post horse-bolting Viques

Love how some posters just can't resist having a massive bash at the OP for their choices. Says more about you than the OP.
She knows she procreated with a less than ideal man in an unstable situation - why the need to bash it in.

@viques I never said we were in a relationship. Yes, it was irresponsible to allow myself to fall pregnant. But I'm dealing with it now and I made that choice to continue with my pregnancy. Thanks for sticking the knife in though.

I’d tell him either that the baby was someone else’s or that you’ve lost it. Then I’d run, run away,

No offence intended but you have NO idea how hard this is going to be, and why you’d risk making it harder by attaching your life to this persons is beyond me. You talk about not letting a newborn leave its mum which is all well and good, but what about a 6 year old?

She goes to visit her dad and comes back without hair brushed or he won’t treat for nits. Misses out on parties as he doesn’t bother on his weekends. Comes back swearing or exhibiting violent behaviours as that’s what she has seen. No homework done and hours of screen time all weekend - and that is just with a crap parent, not an abusive one!

Or fighting for him to see her when planned, having to protect her emotions because daddy cancelled again.

Does he seem like he will be a good co parent? IF not then run.

Putting him on the birth certificate would give him rights over the child, decent honorable people when they are given rights will also understand that those rights confer responsibilities and duties upon them

You may well hope that if you give him rights he will respond by taking seriously his responsibilities and duties, however he has shown you that he is not a decent honourable person, he will not respond in a decent honorable way

Nice one!

Loud and clear still

It's good that you're coming around to the idea of keeping him out of the baby's life, it'll be far less hassle overall (£220/month, you'll end up spending more on solicitors, petrol taking the kid back and forth, clothes and shoes that aren't returned etc). You need to decide quickly how to do this and follow through; is that fade out, disappear by moving, pretend it's a different father, pretend it's a miscarriage or pretend it's a termination. (Different father was my choice because of you're seen with a kid then it still makes sense.) Good luck with it all.

@Smotheroffive He might get it if he applies to court, and OP keeps her address redacted from anything he wont know how to contact to pursue an application

I'd be surprised if he knew how to enforce the courts to find me. I honestly don't think he has it in him.

@MRex I think if I went with the different father, he'd take that and run with it probably skipping into the sunset 😂

You are not together, its none of your business who he is in a relationship with. Start a Child Support claim when baby is born and leave him too it.

You have just some few months left now to get yourself into a stable, safe and confident assertive place ready for the arrival of your baby and all that brings.

Whilst being very exciting (congratulations ) theres a lot to do in terms of getring the right support in place and logistically setting yourself up with all the tools to really enjoy this with your newborn.

If you dont have family, start getting signed up with all the relevent classes that will get you to where you need to be.

Throw everything at making this the joyful experience it should be, and everything you both deserve.

Dont underestimate how hard it can be supporting a newborn and child when you need support yourself.