I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...
18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)
His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)
He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.
Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.
I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".
Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.
I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.
AIBU?
...to want to lose my shit at the situation?
stilldontgiveaf · 16/07/2019 10:16
It won't be just his family potentially being lied to by him... it'll be the new girlfriend, too. If he's anything like my daughter's father, and actually, my daughter's new boyfriend, you'll be "crazy" and/or "mental" and will only have got pregnant "to trap" him and/or "for [his] money". Men like this are all the same, I'm afraid.
My daughter is 23. She hasn't seen her biological father - as far as I know - since she was 3 weeks old. He was abusive, I was using contraception, yet got pregnant anyway. Even though I had left him before I even knew I was pregnant (my parents went against my wishes, and told his parents - we were 19 at the time), he and his family did their utmost to harrass me "into telling the truth" (ie, that my daughter wasn't, isn't, his). Except I was telling the truth. He refused to do a paternity test and I didn't persue maintenance. He's not paid a single penny towards my daughter at all.
You need to be aware of what telling his parents might unleash into your lives, though. My daughter's biological paternal grandparents, saw her every week until she was 7 - and she refused to have contact with them anymore. They then stalked her through senior school and college, getting their friends children or grandchildren to feed them information. My daughter ended up issuing them with a "cease and desist" letter when she was 19. His sister then began to harrass me over social media. There was emotional manipulation, offers of leaving her money in their wills, blah, blah, blah... my daughter still refuses to have contact with them. There is a possibility that she was sexually abused by her biological father's abusive father, and a certainty that they deliberately fed her foods which she is allergic to. They made my pregnancy, my early years as a mother, my daughter's teen years absolutely miserable. Just because I stood my ground and defended my child's right to choose. As a mother, you have to be prepared to have very broad shoulders in situations such as this, I'm afraid, OP.
And now... my daughter's 23. In the last month or so, she's started seeing a bloke whose ex-girlfriend had his baby. And she's "crazy", and "mental", and got pregnant deliberately, apparently, just to trap him and/or take his money... 
He refuses to see his 8 month old daughter, because - and I quote my own daughter here - "he didn't want her, so why the fuck should he want to see her?!" 
His parents pushed for the paternity test which proved the baby is his... and he fiddles his earnings to pay the least amount of maintenance he can. My daughter freely admits this.
She can't understand why I'm actually angry with her about her perpetuating the same abuse that she suffered, onto an innocent child. She was that baby once upon a not-so-distant time, and I know, from experience, how difficult/lonely/hard it actually is to be in the shoes of her new bloke's ex-girlfriend (they'd been together since school, too - and my daughter knows the ex-girlfriend as they all went to senior school together!). Whilst I do know that the ex-girlfriend and her daughter are undoubtedly better off without my daughter's new bloke in their lives... I'm incredibly worried about him doing the same to my daughter.
I know you can be the best of both worlds (ie, Mum and Dad) to your son, OP... but you need to be aware of the pitfalls. There will be hostilities flying around, rumours circulating about your motives and questioning your promiscuity. Your baby - who yes; is completely innocent in all of this - may also face similar as he grows up. He may not have a biological father in his life. He might, like my daughter, have a stepfather, who essentially becomes a Dad. I hope that he does. And unfortunately, he might grow up to become everything that you're trying to protect him. You do need to be aware of every angle, every possibility, and know that if your ex can cheapen your reputation... he'll undoubtedly do his best to do so. Good luck, OP.
I think you're going to need it.
It won't be just his family potentially being lied to by him... it'll be the new girlfriend, too. If he's anything like my daughter's father, and actually, my daughter's new boyfriend, you'll be "crazy" and/or "mental" and will only have got pregnant "to trap" him and/or "for [his] money". Men like this are all the same, I'm afraid.
That old chestnut! I told my son's father that I would have picked someone with some earning potential more than mine if that were the case
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