...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

[stilldontgiveaf]

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

@Smotheroffive thank you for the congratulations, that means a lot.

I'm in the process of trying to rebuild relationships with my mother and siblings. She knows I'm pregnant now and we haven't seen each other for a year now due to a fall out. She wants to meet at the weekend, so it's looking positive so far. I'll need all the support I can get.

Claim CSA, get the DNA test done then make sure he pays you child maintenance. If he wants to be part of the child's life he has to do it properly (being open about it being his child etc). If he doesn't then fine but make sure you get your monthly payments.

*You need to ask yourself the following:

'Is the tiny amount of money I might get worth dealing with this muppet and his family for the rest of my life?'

My gut feeling would be 'hell, no!'*

It's this kind of attitude that leaves hundreds of thousands of women dealing with financial hardship because of the shitty, irresponsibly behaviour of men. Don't buy into it. Both parents have a legal obligation to pay the cost of raising a child, it doesn't mean that they automatically have the right to be involved. He's made it clear he isn't interested, he probably had a GF when you were seeing him, he's a twat. But do look at www.cmoptions.org to see what you can do

@MargotMoon I'll have a look at that link, thank you.

I'm also starting to think the same thing about him already having a girlfriend. Good luck to them both.

Just a thought- does he already have a child? And his dad is going to ‘go mental’ because he’s done it again?

@IsobelRae23 I honest to god have been asking myself this question over and over. I have asked him outright and he said no.

@IsobelRae23 that being said... he told me of a situation when he was 19. He said he'd been in a relationship for quite some time, but they'd split for a short period. Got back together and she was pregnant. He stood by her and his parents doubted him being the father. When the baby was 6 months, a dna was done and it turned out he wasn't the father. He subsequently left.

I have seen photos from this time of him, someone who looks like would be his girlfriend and a newborn together as a family.

Go you!

...and have some more

Look to your future, of healthy relationships. Something vitally that you will pass on to your dc which will transform their life also.

Whatever has gone on with your dm and siblings, rebuild slowly, sticking firm to your boundaries. If they give you shit for this, that means taking a step back.

I think you will feel more supported to have someone outside the family aswell (especially whilst you get, hopefully, onto a more solid footing with them).

Having your own space not filled by others is very valuable to finding out what you need, and where your boundaries are, once you have them they work for you automatically.

There are lots of means of support for dms out there, but can be hard to access so start looking and getting yourself strong!!

Not rtft; but don’t put his name on the birth certificate.
You don’t want his asking for access etc.

@Smotheroffive 💐💐💐

I have my 20 week scan in two weeks. I may post as an update!

still you are falling off again there.

Lets just say hes got half a dozen dc (that hes owned up to!), that he sleeps with random women daily (get yourself sti checks), and hes a drug dealer/criminal,/whatever.

None of it matters, get strong on not being drawn in. Hes done a good'un on you, and you need to keep stepping back, not falling in.

Remember, you matter, your baby matters, he doesnt - in that order.

Ok so you split up. He said be involved with the child but not you, its clear he doesn’t want you, so why are you annoyed he is in a relationship.
Just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean he needs to give up the search for the one. We all deserve the one. And you have to be straight to the point to get it. The family are disappointed as they didn’t want this either so you have to see it from all sides.
So your annoyed the have a baby didn’t make him want you, it played with his emotions for sure but it didn’t work. He has moved on. I suggest you be a adult as you are about to be a mother. Grow inside and just accept it for what it is. Co-parenting. He doesn’t want you. Sorry. He didn’t tell you about the girl to spare your feelings.

You should be angry at yourself for not thinking this through, yea he is a git as he don’t fess up. But you are responsible for your own emotions. Maybe leave him alone for a bit and let him bond with his GF and just co parent with him. She shouldn’t have to dump him. You need to grow up and leave the Jeremy khyle stuff out of it imo.

The Only one manipulating albeit badly. Is you.

I have my 20 week scan in two weeks. I may post as an update!

I literally have goosebumps at this update!

I really think you should, and keep on doing it until you feel you have all the support you need.

This is what absolutely should be filling your days, no more like the OP!

Ooops! X-posted with you at 14:00! Sorry! See mine in reply further down

Congrats on the pregnancy! I'm sorry the situation isn't the best though, no thanks to the father.
Imo just don't bother with the baby's father anymore. You've invited him to the scans, to be involved etc so it's up to him. Don't force it, I fell pregnant to my ex after 5 years (I was on the pill) and he left during pregnancy but still contacted me. He wanted to speak to me but not about the baby. I agreed because i thought maybe he was just in shock, when DD was born he didn't want to know her until she was 2 months. Then he came to see her a few times. Bought her a couple of gifts. He came to see her every now and then until she was 6 months. Then it was just texts everyday asking how she was. Now nothing, he's moved, changed his job etc and i have no idea where or why. I invested a lot of time and energy in trying to get him to have a relationship with his daughter, for him to run away anyway. He's never paid a penny for her (apart from a few small gifts). Now I don't even give him a second thought. You can do this, and don't let him ruin any of the experience! Expect nothing from him so if he does turn out to be a good dad/person, you will be pleasantly surprised. If not, well you weren't expecting anything anyway! Take care of yourself and look forward to being a mum it's hard doing it on your own but you will love it.

I'm not sure what a few posters aren't getting about the fact I don't care he has a girlfriend.

It's the lies.

The girlfriend thing was the breaking point in which I realised enough was enough.

I'm not manipulative @Scorpiovenus not sure how you think that, but whatever.

If you think it would help, you can repeat Freedom Programme. I did it twice. It helped it really click and stay with me. Being DV-free is all still pretty recent for you, there's no shame in taking up as much support as is available to help you rebuild.

They also have Freedom Forever as a follow up.

Good luck with your life, hopefully you don’t get yourself in this mess for a third time

What a vile, horrible nasty person you are.

It’s hard being married, having a decent income and having 2 kids so I applaud single mothers for what they do

So sounds like you're miserable in life, that REALLY comes across in your posts. Should we all start bashing you for the choices you made?

@ShuubOutDemBadmine I'm sorry you had to go through that, thank you for your advice. 💐

Shuub . What a nightmare, sadly common, i do wonder whether women are programmed to put the needs of the father above everything!

Women so want the best for their dc and do often see that as a need to promote this father relationship when in fact its all down to the father to do that himself, hes an adult and shouldn't need anyone to do that for him (they only complain that women are controlling as a result anyway, so its a lose / lose )

he's 26 and I'm 28

I thought from your first post that you were a pair of teenagers. I think you need to realise that you’re bringing this baby up alone and stop trying to get him involved. He needs to pay via the CSA though.

Theres no need to justify yourself in response to nasty posts - they provide good practice for the stepping back for you!

Ignore, detach, step back

Good recommendation time and very wise words in pp.

I also agree with ambidextra applying to cms.

He has financial responsibility for this life from the moment he squirted his seed recklessly (again from the sound of it). You cant count on him for any money, or anything, but he does owe this life financial support.

Tbh, they would probably make you speak to each other to form a family arrangement, before anything else. He does owe financially but whether you or anyone is going to ever get anything worthwhile from him financially or otherwise is looking unlikely.

Certainly would be a lot of hassle when you just need to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and bond with your baby, ease yourself into motherhood, which is far more important long-term.

If you're on the bread-line get onto the benefits page of the .gov website.

Been there worn the T shirt.

I gave DC my surname, dick head ex didn't appear on the BC. As predicted he vanished into the ether and has never actually met DC.
First few years were difficult but we got through and eventually I met and married again with DH adopting DC as his own.

DC is now 20, happy, in a long term relationship and never had any desire to know about their "father".

Walk away, raise your child and let this idiot crack on with it.

I do feel sorry for you but, honestly, your baby's father is extremely immature. His dad may well be annoyed about the baby and be sounding off but parents often bluster about such things. The drama usually ends with the pregnancy, then all the attention is on the baby and you say his mum is more interested.

You child has the right to at least be supported financially by the father and if he supports in other ways, that will be good but you can't depend on it. Though it is surprising how people feel once they actually meet their child so we can hope.

He must tell his new girlfriend but he can't have been with her long and that could fizzle out.

How are your finances, are you able to support yourself, do you have a decent job? Try to make a few plans and put things in place (such as child care) before your baby arrives.

All the very best.