...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

[stilldontgiveaf]

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

[Jellybeansincognito]

But that’s the thing Gummybear11, he’s well within his rights to push for a paternity test and to get himself on the BC if he somehow wants to be involved before the child/ shortly after is born.

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Gummybear11 Any attempts by you to involve him and his family at this point, is not putting your baby first in my opinion, it's you wishing for things that ain't gunna happen and your child will end up in the middle of a load of unstable family drama.

Put your baby first, not what you wish would happen.

I can really see this now. The approach I've taken so far as been wrong. I'm grateful that I am starting to realise this while I've still got some time in my pregnancy.

[Tolleshunt]

Dragged into stuff like what, exactly?

We don’t know yet what the family is actually like, just that the father is useless and they may be dysfunctional.

To allege that the child will definitely ‘suffer’ and that this ‘suffering’ will be so bad that it negates any and all positives they might get from life is absolutely ridiculous.

You do realise that all lives involve, suffering, don’t you? Should we all just top ourselves now, and abort all unborn foetuses, so we can avoid any suffering?

[lilmishap]

Liars really fuck a person up. Most of us have been there
YANBU to want to lose your shit but it won't change anything, so ranting to friends or MN is your best bet.

Best of luck with it all

[Tolleshunt]

The thing is, Jelly is that OP is already in a stressful situation. You pushing an extreme ideology about the worth of life if it might involve ‘suffering’ (the nature of which is speculative anyway), is just going to make her feel shit, isn’t it? And all so you can push your own idiosyncratic, extreme view.

[Gummybear11]

Yes he's well within his rights to seek contact and being named on the birth certificate...but with his family and new girlfriend and the fact he is a man child, I strongly suspect he will NOT do this if OP 'fades away' as a pp said.

Beware OP if you file the child maintenance claim/DNA test he/his family will be strongly pushing for contact and you will have to agree and have no control over where he has the child/who is involved etc.

Think about the long term and good luck x

[Jellybeansincognito]

Did you just want to use the word idiosyncratic?
That’s the wrong use considering I’m not alone with this, it’s been said a few times. Even by op herself as not an option, so it’s not something completely alien is it.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Tolleshunt perhaps you could raise your head out of your dictionary and see the real damage these scenarios can cause, not just on the child- but the mother too. It’s no walk in the park.

[PuffsMummie]

Why are you wasting your time and energy on him? Accept the fact you will be raising this baby with out him and starting building the foundations for the future for you and your baby.

[Smotheroffive]

Now that your eyes are open to this manipulative, lying twat, why on earth are younso keen for there to be a relationship?

Hes behaved like a appalling excuse for a person.

He ghosted you?? He ghosted you?? He doesnt want anythig to do with you.

He wants you to, no, he told you repeatedly you have to have an abortion.

He doesn't want you or a baby. I hope you are not labouring under this myth of baby's needing their fathers! They dont.

They need love, consistency and reassuring boundaries. He has shown you none of this potential, in fact, the opposite.

I am sorry that you shagged this dick, but you both took this risk and both need to be the grown ups your baby needs, the rest is rubbish.
.as for losing your shit over another girl, frankly, its absolutely none of your business what he does to who, its just serves to show you again what a useless twat he is.

Listen and look and absorb whats going on in front of you!

[Whosorrynow]

The whole family sound like pigs, do not wrestle with them

[Whosorrynow]

The more you engage with this man the more you will feel strong urges to punish him for his bad behaviour, if you give into these urges he will punish you back
And there you are, locked into a never-ending pig wrestling match 🤦‍♀️

[Tolleshunt]

FFS Jelly you are STILL missing the point.

Of course these situations can cause damage. But it is OP’s decision whether she thinks the possible damage is trumped by the possible upsides. Not yours.

To terminate if OP doesn’t want to on the basis of the child possibly having to have a relationship with a flaky manchild father is a massive over-reaction.

If you or anybody else has been damaged by a similar scenario then I am sorry, but I would recommend you/they seek appropriate psychological care. It is possible to recover from early life adverse circumstances and thrive, when provided with the appropriate help and support.

[stilldontgiveaf]

I'd just like to clarify that I didn't want to lose my shit purely because of his girlfriend.

It was the tip of the iceberg and the kick up the ass I needed to realise he was talking so much shit to me previously.

I am not upset that he doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm not jealous because he's with someone now. I was more concerned for her being lied to a duped.

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Tolleshunt I stopped listening to that poster after the second time I told them to stop and they didn't. And then see them apologise to another poster 😂

They think it's best I kill the unborn baby, I get it. I'm going to be such a hideous mother aren't I 🙄

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Whosorrynow can totally see this now. Time to cut ties and get out this never ending cycle.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Tolleshunt This op wasn’t about keeping her child safe and protected though was it. It was about how she was annoyed that he has started a relationship with another women. Op has asked if she’s unreasonable and I’ve said yes because it doesn’t sound like she’s putting the child’s best interests first.

I’ve explained why. I’m not telling her to have an abortion.
I’ve mentioned abortion, if it wasn’t mentioned in the op I’d have never have mentioned it. Op has considered it herself.

[TheABC]

The good news is that you found out about it now, OP and you can take steps to give your child a stable, loving home without a weak father or toxic family. You sound like you are getting both angry and protective which is a much better place to be. Enjoy your baby and use this time to build your support system up.

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Jellybeansincognito I didn't consider it at all this time actually, that's an assumption you made.

[MRex]

It's so difficult, I can understand you felt it was the right thing for your baby to have a relationship with its father, but all this drama and you're not even halfway through the pregnancy.

In all honesty what I'd do is look up details about in utero DNA testing, then tell him I'd had a test done with DNA from someone else I slept with and he was the father. Birth certificate father unknown. Move area, talk to friends / family / midwives and try to get as much of a support network in place as possible before the birth. Write all the details and your reasoning down for your baby for the future, but bring them up saying Mummy decided to raise you on your own to keep our lives simple. Add more of the story as the baby gets older so it's never a surprise and supply father's details at age 18.

Yep, totally unethical really, but in all honesty it's what I'd do because it's safest and nicest for the baby.

What you mustn't do is chase him for anything. If you want to involve him then be reactive and cold; only if he asks for specific access do you consider requests.

[Poppi89]

I get why OP is pushing for a relationship as I have done the same for 11 years as I always thought it was best for the child to have both parents involved. I got to the end of my tether and posted a thread on here and got amazing advice from everyone that actually made me realise him being involved was doing more harm than good. Someone said sometimes an absent parent is better than a sh*t one and now my whole view has changed. If they don't want to be involved pushing it is going to actually make it worse for your child. I wish I had the advice years ago like you have OP and I am glad you are thinking about the future an trying to do whats best for your baby.

[Whosorrynow]

@stilldont, I know from my own experience that this is how they suck you in, when people behave really badly the natural response is anger and outrage that makes it hard to think objectively about the situation and the urge to retaliate can be very hard to control

[Tolleshunt]

Well Jelly if you fail to comprehend that somebody could have more than one concern at once, I think I’m done trying to explain anything to you. I don’t want to derail OP’s thread, in any case.

OP, as you are ignoring Jelly anyway, I will desist countering the madness.

[stilldontgiveaf]

@Tolleshunt no, I appreciate the fact you've tried to make this poster see the point. Just no point because they won't listen so it is what it is. ill just continue to tell them to get fucked until they get off my thread.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Consideration as in, you know it’s something you don’t want.

I haven’t an issue comprehending that people have more then one concern , at all. If the ops concerns were about her child this post would have been written completely differently rather than the way it was written involving the dad moving on. For someone who likes to use such vocabulary to try and be patronising, you should surely understand that?

And op, i don’t really know why you posted, your post and your comments now reflect differently. Do you even know what you want?