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AIBU?

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Original poster

Smoking (and commenting on strangers choices)?

236 replies

SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 14:46

I did a charity walk up Helvellyn at the weekend. I was standing with the group before we started and one of the group moved about 10 metres away and started smoking a cigarette. I don’t know him too well, he’s a friend of my friends husband, I know he plays rugby and is healthy looking. A woman walked past and shouted, in a very posh voice, “all this fresh air and you’re SMOKING?”. She almost spat the words out. I was quite taken aback, is it normal to walk past a complete stranger and try to publicly humiliate them for their lifestyle choices?

I’m not a smoker now, I quit about 15 years ago. I know attitudes to smoking have hardened in the last 15 years but I was still shocked that she felt that she could speak to him like that.

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 14:29

How on earth was it right for her to say something? To a private individual minding his own business and hurting nobody else whatsoever??

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 14:29

So, how is a woman suddenly stopping what she was doing (walking down a path) changing direction and walking towards a man (doing something that she disagrees with but is perfectly legal) and spitting out the words “all this fresh air and you’re smoking” in any way passive aggressive? She was directly confrontational, not passive aggressive.

Ok, you were the one who was there - did this action from her justify his friends then mocking her for being alone? Do you think they over reacted? Do you wish you had said something to make them stop or are you happy with your part in your story?

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 14:31

Pumper you clearly have serious reading comprehension deficiencies. I've repeatedly said their comments weren't OK, and I clearly haven't justified them. It's a plain fact, however, that she began a stupid interaction through her own choice.

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 14:32

Also, you said she was aggressive, not confrontational. Can you explain the aggression a bit more? Did she walk really quickly towards him? Did she stand too close? Did she really get in his face? How tall was she, were they eye-to-eye?

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 14:33

nobody would have said anything if she hadn't chosen to start being rude to a total stranger for no reason.

Your own words Cheeserton. Justifying their behaviour by her actions.

Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 14:35

@dottypotter

What else do you think people should be shamed into giving up?

Some people choose to smoke. It’s not illegal.

How about if fat people are banned from buying cakes and pies? It might shame them into going on a diet.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 16/07/2019 14:35

Smokey McRugbyson was unreasonable for smoking. I do hope he picked up the fag end.

Madam Posh von Confrontation was unreasonable for commenting on a situation that wasn't her business.

The BigMan Rugby Albion were unreasonable for being misogynistic pillocks.

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 14:37

No, it's not justifying Pumper. Are you honestly surprised that things can escalate if you choose to be rude to random strangers? I'll say it again for the hard of hearing - doesn't make the consequences right, but it's a very stupid thing to start doing, because it's pretty fucking obvious it could escalate negatively!

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 14:43

Yes, if i was that woman I’d be very surprised that his group of rugby mates decided that one comment was enough to start jeering at me for being alone and discussing why. If I was the OP I’d also be surprised that they thought that was an appropriate response. As a poster on this thread I’m surprised that people think that one comment from her means they have to stick up for the men who were being spiteful to her because she ‘began a stupid interaction through her own choice’.

Would you have stuck up for her, do you think? If they were your friends would you have told them they were out of order?

Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 14:43

@JacquesHammer

😂😂😂

I can confirm that Smokey McRugbyson was putting his butts into a buttbox that he emptied into a bin at the end of the day.

OP posts:
tiintoon · 16/07/2019 14:44

A morbidly obese person does not affect others' health but smoking around other people does affect their health negatively. It is beyond me how people call smoking a lifestyle choice. Lifestyle choice is to play cricket or ride a bike, not poison people's air.
And yes, she was rude but did not insult him - it was a comment on smoking so YABU. People go outdoors to breathe fresh air etc and then you have a puffer who's just too selfish to wait and his needs are above everybody else's.

Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 14:50

@tiintoon
Not “everyone” is vehemently anti smoking though. I don’t smoke and not do most of my friends and family, it isn’t something that comes up in conversation.

I personally don’t care whether or not someone chooses to smoke or not. It has zero impact on me if they are smoking outside. Getting the very occasional waft of smoke or vape is not enough to kill me. The odd waft of smoke or vape is very different from the constant passive smoke people used to be subjected to in bars, pubs, staff rooms.

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 14:50

Again with the sticking up for the men? You're making shit up. Haven't done that, said repeatedly their comments weren't OK. Doesn't make it OK to go around being rude to random people.

Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 14:52

Smoke in the open air doesn’t affect other people’s health, just their sensibilities.

LipSyncForYourLife · 16/07/2019 14:52

This must be the same posh woman (waxed jacket covered in dog hair) that came to see what was in the window a bunch if us were peering into one boring Sunday. She looked in the window, looked at us scornfully and shouted “IDIOTS!” then marched off... 😂

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 14:52

Cheeserton

Would you have stuck up for her, do you think? If they were your friends would you have told them they were out of order?

Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 14:55

@LipSyncForYourLife

😂😂😂

I am struggling to understand how some people can be so miserable / judgemental / arrogant that they think it’s ok to behave like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 14:58

@Cheeserton

I don’t think that anyone (including me) has said that the men’s behaviour was good.

Some posters are arguing that as the confrontational woman who started it all is female, then she should be able to walk up to random strangers and say what she likes without any consequence.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 15:02

I don’t think that anyone (including me) has said that the men’s behaviour was good.

Did you tell them to stop? If you think they over reacted then did you step in?

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 15:05

Would you have stuck up for her, do you think? well, totally bloody irrelevant to the point made, but I suppose I may well have told them they were mean and went too far, yes, but pure hypotheticals hardly help as the fact is I wasn't there. I'd also have likely thought that she had been a twat too. Not mutually exclusive and neither justifies the other. I seriously doubt anything would have been said at all if she hadn't been rude, which is just the way it is and nothing to do with justification. Or, do you actually think they would have likely run over and started anyway if she'd not been rude in the first place?

If I run around slapping someone, hit the wrong person and get beaten to death, it's obviously wrong to murder and totally unjustified. Was I still right to run about slapping random people in the first place?

ddl1 · 16/07/2019 15:07

No, not acceptable. Very rude. However, the personal insults were also unacceptable (especially as someone who goes around making such comments really could be an isolated person with mental health problems; also I can't help wondering whether the same personal remarks would have been made so readily about a man). Both sides should have minded, as children would say, their own beeswax; and kept out of other people's lifestyles and life choices.

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 15:08

well, totally bloody irrelevant to the point made, but I suppose I may well have told them they were mean and went too far, yes, but pure hypotheticals hardly help as the fact is I wasn't there. I'd also have likely thought that she had been a twat too.

Then we agree! That was my first post! She shouldn’t have said anything but they over reacted. She was wrong, but they were more wrong.

I don’t think slapping someone justifies murder, no. Slapping is wrong, but murder is more wrong.

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 15:11

So why the heck spend ages pretending I was justifying their behaviour by pouting out the simple fact that she started it and was being a twat?

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 15:11

Pointing*

ddl1 · 16/07/2019 15:13

'Some posters are arguing that as the confrontational woman who started it all is female, then she should be able to walk up to random strangers and say what she likes without any consequence.'

Nobody is saying that. However, it would be one thing to say 'Shut up', 'None of your business', or 'Stop being so rude and interfering!' and another to attack her about her own personal life, and. by implication, imply that if she's not with a man, she's a failure and loser.

If someone had punched her in the nose, this could also have been the 'consequence' of her confrontational approach, but I hope that no one here would think it OK to punch someone in the nose, even if they are themselves annoying!

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