Aibu to give my dc two MH days a year

[Codywolf]

Hi
I was talking to my friend about how I give my secondary aged children two mental health days to use when they need a break
and she looked horrified

My dc cannot take the day off if there is a test or activity but otherwise can use them when they need to

So Aibu to allow them these days

I think its fine and I do the same with mine on an ad hoc basis. But I wouldnt run it past a friend or Mumsnet AIBU!

All the people saying "oh gosh, I just think it's great the way OP is taking care of her children's mental health" erm... how is she doing that? This is exactly the problem with these daft MH days. They actually do nothing at all to address any issues a child might be experiencing. It sounds really progressive and forward thinking, without actually being effective or taking any effort whatsoever. So your kid is stressed about schoolwork, is not sleeping well and doesn't feel like going in to school. You let them have a "MH day". They have a great time, dossing around, going for walks and baking. The next day they go back to school and guess what? Schoolwork is still on top of them. Within a couple of days they are tired again because their sleeping pattern is still poor. Whatever issues led to them feeling like they didn't want to go to school are still there. Nothing has changed. If you are serious about your children's wellbeing (I won't call it mental health, because that's not actually what these days are addressing - an actual mental illness requires proper medical treatment) then you take proactive steps like teaching them relaxation techniques, teaching them mindfulness, helping them to formulate ways to stay on top of homework, building their confidence etc. Just giving them a random day off when they feel like it is a lazy parent's cop out, designed to virtue signal.

We used to have duvet days at my last place of work. They were purely designed to combat poor attendance, and it worked like a charm. The idea was that by offering each employee 2 duvet days - essentially 2 extra days of annual leave to be taken at short notice (call in as per sick procedure) - staff were less likely to pull excessive amounts of sickies. If they woke up and thought about pulling a sickie, they would then think "actually I've only got 1 duvet day left and I don't want to waste it now. I'll go in". So someone who might pull 3 or 4 sickies in a year was now effectively only having 2. The results were drastic after this policy came in, it definitely had the desired effect. What OP is talking about is duvet days. It's nothing to do with mental health. Adults at work may have any number of stressors impacting on their wellbeing. Work, finances, marriage woes, children, house moves, lots of different responsibilities. Children in general do not have the same mental load to cope with and already have significantly more downtime. They really shouldn't need pre-sanctioned duvet days. It's not teaching them resilience or respect for the rules of their organisation.

If an otherwise healthy secondary school aged child is so "exhausted and overwhelmed" by everyday life that evenings, weekends and holidays every 6 weeks aren't enough time off school for them then there's something else going on. Either they're doing too many afterschool activities, not getting enough sleep (maybe on their phone/gaming/watching Netflix late at night) or weekends are too busy.

Yes. Self-indulgent bollocks that'll breed entitled adults ill-equipped for the work place. Fine if something props up and they need respite be it for physical or mental reasons, but a set amount is utter tripe. Sounds like something lifted straight out of a Gwynneth Paltrow blog.

This thread goes to show how little people understand the pressures that teenagers are under to pass exams.
Head I have been teaching for 20 years
and in all the school locally and where I have friends teaching it is totally the norm to run revision sessions for all pupils at all times. Some schools insist that pupils have to attend to be able to go to the prom.
Bookworm how do you know exams are not that hard? Are you someone who has sat the new spec? Or had to teach it to
Pupils of all abilities? They are bloody hard. And I did O Levels.

My DC have never needed a MH day. If they ever do need one (I like the term duvet day more) I would let them have one. I have take a day off at work because I've felt that I've needed a duvet day. This isn't to slack off, it's to recharge and I've gone back to work full of energy and been really productive.

I have a job that requires a lot of energy physically and mentally. I work really hard but every now and again need to recharge. If my DC were like me I would allow them to do the same.

I love my job and I'm complimented on my energy, enthusiasm and motivation frequently. I couldn't be me without the odd duvet day.

If only genuine MH issues could be solved by having two days off school/work a year....

Wise up OP - they're NOT MH days, and calling them such might well lead to big problems if your kids do develop a MH issue.

I think it’s a great idea, OP.
We all need time like that and I’m not a fan of the martyr culture around work in this country.

I think it is a pretty weird thing to do. Do theses mental health days have to be taken on a school day or can they also use them to opt out of a day trip to see granny or a family wedding or other family trip or activity?

What avalanching said. Just because a child a stressed and has a few deadlines looming does not mean they need a 'mental health' day. Teach your child how to manage stress and prioritise tasks and use down time effectively. If they seem seriously overwhelmed and you are genuinely concerned speak to them and speak to their teachers. Don't teach them just to duck out of their responsibilities and commitments. And calling it MH day really trivialises actual mental health problems. Good grief.

@avalanching How lovely you are. There are plenty of adults on this thread who have either been given these days as children, or receive them as part of their benefits package at work. Please do tell me again how I'm ill-equipped for the workplace, it'll give us all a good laugh in the office

I'll be sure to pass on your helpful feedback to my colleagues on decompression at the moment too - none of us have time to read celebrity blogs, we're too busy managing international relations and working in war zones.

@TapasForTwo
4 DC between 13/25, their ages aren’t relevant, the OPs attitude is misguided and over indulgent, if your kids are having extreme stress maybe teaching them coping mechanisms would better suit than lying in the bath 🙄

Kids are at school 190 days a year. They don’t need to take time off for “mental health” unless they actually are sick.

@sergeilavrov nobody needs a set amount of MH days. Adults should be capable enough to decide when they need a day off for whatever health reason, it does not need a target/quota. It would be like setting an amount of sick days, which many US employers do, a notoriously backward nation for employment rights, it's ridiculous, who can plan for sickness. Raise your children to be able to communicate when they are struggling and work out and articulate what they need to remedy it for themselves. This is new age twoddle.

I'm sorry my Gwynneth Paltrow comment was lost on you, I'm pleased you still have time for mumsnet in between managing international relations and working in war zones :)

Schools already have this benefit package. It's called half term, Xmas, Easter, summer. School is not a war zone. At least it shouldn't be. Teaching kids resilience, time management and commitment is just as important as managing their mental health. And if they can't use their holidays to recover they are doing something wrong.

@avalanching I'm so glad you're pleased for me. Particularly as I gave birth three weeks ago - but thanks for your inquiry. I'm really enjoying having an hour on the computer while I watch my beautiful daughter sleep. Or should I give up my unpaid maternity leave as well as my apparently pointless decomp time?

I've already agreed that having a set amount doesn't make much sense. Your 'new age twoddle' is actually mandated for us: we don't get a choice about decompression, it's there to help us adapt back. We all have regular psych appointments too, and I'm very grateful for the support I receive with mental health on an ongoing basis. It absolutely works to prevent or catch PTSD and other issues that often arise in stressful jobs.

I would let my children stay at home if their mental health would suffer from going into school. Same as I would physical health.
Doesn't make sense to limit mental health days. I think the most important thing is for parity between mental health and physical health.
By limiting them you are implying mental health issues are less important.

But I think what you really mean is a type of stress reduction day. But I think it's better to help children manage their stress and then let them take time off if they need it. But dont put a limit on it.

If they were experiencing school related stress then I think it’s not unreasonable.

Mental health is serious. It's life limiting and crippling. It kills. It's not "needing a couple of days off because you need to recharge batteries". FFS , if you kid need a couple of days off say so but DON"T call them MH

This.

And as a wohm I can't afford any more days off work to facilitate my kids fannying about with leaves or lounging around in the bath, on separate days, to boot. We do that at weekends, in the hols and on my annual leave days (saving some to cope with actual sick days) . My MH might well suffer if I have to find an additional 4 days to fanny about with leaves in the woods.

@sergeilavrov why are you comparing your work to a GCSE student who gets 14 weeks off? I'm not quite understanding the over share. My husband is in the military, decompression leave is very important and yes mandated after deployments, I'm not quite sure what this has to do with teenagers, school and a quota of MH days which is the whole point of this thread? Their decompression is the numerous school holidays! I have no issue with someone taking time off due to mental or physical health issues when required.

How about all the teachers have 2 'mental health' days as well when they are tired/stressed/overworked? (Ha! Need more than 2!) Obviously that's on top of any 'normal' sick days they have. I think I'll choose mine on days when I have double year 10 bottom set...

@avalanching The only reason this came up is you dismissing it as something that creates 'ill-equipped' adults in the workplace. You raised that, no one else. You then chose to make this personal by critiquing my use of Mumsnet while I'm on maternity leave. I've posted my response to OP earlier up the thread, I'm sure you can find it if you try.

Ooh yes @TheRedBarrows, I'll also need extra carers leave to facilitate my DDs 'mental health' days. I will encourage her to take them on double year 10 bottom set days too :) at this rate I'll hardly have to actually teach them!

Calling a jolly a "mental health day" is the kind of thoughtless shit that makes it harder for people needing time off school or work due to actual mental illness to be taken seriously.

Have you considered that by doing this you're contributing to all the casual stigma around mental illness in our society?

Both my DC have had very significant MH issues. One of them couldn't attend school for over 18 months.

Frankly OP sounds like a bit of a poser who probably thinks she's progressive. But what she's really doing is trivialising something really important which can, let's not forget, be fatal.

Children and young adults still struggle to obtain appropriate treatment and support for MH. Adult MH has always been a very low priority and provision for under 18s is even worse. CAMHS is extremely patchy. Waiting lists are a scandal.

Can I take my MH days when Ofsted come in?