Aibu to give my dc two MH days a year

[Codywolf]

Hi
I was talking to my friend about how I give my secondary aged children two mental health days to use when they need a break
and she looked horrified

My dc cannot take the day off if there is a test or activity but otherwise can use them when they need to

So Aibu to allow them these days

DH's parents allowed the occasional day off when they felt he was struggling, and seemingly trusted him to decide if he was too ill for school. Mine, especially my mum, were very strict about going to school unless you were vomiting, and I was also hard on myself due to being a higher achiever and fixation with attendance certificates.

Neither of us ended up with a healthy attitude to attendance. He used to call in sick if feeling a bit nauseous, had a really bad cold, or muscle pain without trying painkillers first. I've dragged myself into my on-my-feet retail jobs with a broken toe, D&V, chest and kidney infections, a neck problem which meant I had my head on my shoulder all day, etc. and also push myself too hard when I'm there. Both of our current jobs have improved this for us a little, his is very strict with attendance and mine follows the 48 hour rule.

So I can't decide what the right approach is at all for our DC. Except for, don't get trapped in a retail job with social anxiety as that's where we have both ended up and taking a day off will not help as we still have to go back!

This is not mental health, OP. This is a 'chill out' day. Completely agree it trivialises actual mental illness. These activities should be done at a weekend or holiday!
Obviously if your child is actually super anxious or exhausted then fine, but they clearly aren't if it fits into 2 days a year and they can go for a walk or garden!
As a teacher I've come across some families who do this (although they are a minority) and these are without fail ime the kids who can't cope come sixth form, have no resilience and have learnt that if they have trouble (friendship, teacher etc) they just don't come in.
OP, I think you are trying to do the best for your children, but i think it's a really bad idea that will not give them the right coping strategies and attitude for life in the real world.

It’s hardly like every lesson is critical when you’ve got a class of 30

I'd say it's even more critical, because it will be harder to catch up if you miss it.

Aren't you putting it into their heads that they might have a mental health issue by pre-setting the time off?

I think calling them mental health days devalues actual MH issues that require time off. Sorry OP. agreed

@Codywolf totally agree with you, having seen my DSS go through his GCSEs this year and the shear amount of pressure put on them from as early as Year 8/9 it should be encouraged.

From extra sessions before school and after school, extreme amounts of homework, sessions in school holidays and at the weekends. Far too much pressure when they are so young.

As you said sometimes they’ve not used them, but should they need to then they can do. They also knows it’s okay not to be okay. Keep doing it Op!

We have days off but it’s more for a day off then anything else. We use this time to go to theme parks or a long weekend away. I think it’s good to have them

How did you come up with these MH days?

Every time a child has a day off school the teacher has to give up time subsequently to help them catch up on what they miss. If every child in the class does this, that's potentially 60 days or 12 school weeks, almost a third of the entire school year. Frankly, it's the teacher's MH I would worry about.

Presumably you work in an organisation that allows staff to have "duvet days"??

It's not normal. You have days off either using your holidays or when you are too ill to go on. People really shouldn't have the option of just saying "sod it" I'm not going in today.

I used to work for a company that have 3 duvet days a year, you just called in the morning and said I'm taking a duvet day, it was fabulous. Now I work in the public sector and rack up a full day of toil most weeks that I don't have time to take ..

The dc of mine that actually has MH issues alongside autism would be too scared to use them in case she needed them so it wouldn't work for her. If she needs time off for her MH that's fine.

With my kids, had I introduced this, the very thought that it was a provision would have given them the suggestion that they ought to find their lives stressful and overwhelming, or whatever.

At work we take people's mental health very seriously. But that needs to be specific. If someone has a need for a 'duvet day' or whatever, I would want to know the cause of the feeling: too much work, difficult working relationships, worry about level of skills to tasks etc. and to actually deal with the issue.

Setting up Duvet Days would be as likely to set up 'presenteeism' : "I would never take a duvet day, I am a committed workaholic much too busy to leave work in time to help get the kids to bed competition with staff who did take one.

We need real attention to real issues when and IF they arrive. We don't need to precipitate the expectation of problems by sowing seeds.

@shieldmaidenofrohan you are absolutely correct. Sometimes I wonder how children of today will cope when they have to be in a work setting as so many parents are not prepared to show them a good example and what the minimum standards, to function in the work environment, actually are.

Also, a day to rest / recover/ is not a 'mental health' day. it is just a day off.
Why would you tell kids they need MH days if they are thriving and flourishing?

If something makes them very anxius or they are stressed or ill, deal with that with as many days off as needed.

I fond myself very against generic 'MH days'. But wholly on favour of supporting anyone with actual issues or needs.

DS is on one today because
Sports day stresses him out. He has been panicking for a week about spending the day in his kit or being laughed at (he's dyspraxia)
He is not missing any lessons and is out with his camera in the garden taking images for his GCSE.

Not sure why you call them mental health days if they don't have mental health issues but are just a bit tired or run down.

I have 3 dc and if 2 of them were exceptionally tired or whatever I would let them have a day off. However I'd assume they are not well as I wouldn't expect them to be exceptionally tired for any other reason really.

Now my dd, who does have mental health issues, has not been in school but this is because she is unable to get out of bed with depression and has suicidal thoughts. Totally different.

I'd loved to have had a mum as supportive of looking after yourself as you op. The pressure from my parents to be "perfect" was relentless and I still resent them for it.

I personally don't see the need to set a number of days, but the fact that your dc know if they're really run down they can approach you and discuss it.

I will do the same for my dc (toddlers right now) when they are that age.

Sometimes you just need to breathe and if they are feeling overwhelmed with a great attendance and grades otherwise, I don't see the issue with it.

Surely the best for mental health is not to put undue pressure on the children, to allow them to have time for themselves without structured activities. No need for MH days then, as they shouldn't be overwhelmed at any time.

If they do need those days and have no actual MH issues (not just decide to have a day off for no reason), then I'd try to address how they came to need them, rather than allow them off as a rule.

I think calling them mental health days trivalises real mental health problems personally. Also, in some cases, getting out of bed when you aren't feeling like it and facing the world can actually be much better for your wellbeing, esteem and confidence than hours in the bath would be. If there are genuine issues then of course be sensitive to that, but this doesn't sound like something that really requires a day off.

YABU to have a set amount

One child might need 5 in a year and the other might not need any.

My 2 eldest kids are like chalk and cheese - to one, everything is water off a duck's back but the other overthinks everything and find life more difficult

I'm the parent and have ultimate say over whether they go to school or not on a given day.

However I don't see the harm in an exhausted or overwhelmed child having the odd day off.

totally agree with you, having seen my DSS go through his GCSEs this year and the shear amount of pressure put on them from as early as Year 8/9 it should be encouraged.

From extra sessions before school and after school, extreme amounts of homework, sessions in school holidays and at the weekends. Far too much pressure when they are so young

I’m afraid I have to politely disagree. Perhaps your DSS’s school is very different to the ones I know, but I don’t think school kids are put under that much pressure (presuming they have no other external issues)
For children of average intelligence as long as some revision is done, it shouldn’t be that difficult to achieve decent grades in your GCSEs. Also, are these extra sessions outside school hours even compulsory?

There is much more pressure in finding a job, and the workplace imo. Plus as other pp’s have mentioned, teaching resilience can help kids too. Personally my depression is much worse when I’ve been unemployed and not able to focus/distract myself

A mental illness is different to just having a heavy workload (and imo there isn’t that much of a workload when it comes to studying for GCSE’s)

@Cathycassidy
I agree with you, no child needs extra sessions before, after and during holidays, that sounds more like parental pressure, exams aren’t that hard. The obsession with GCSEs on MN is unbelievable, parents need to accept their kids and stop pressuring them to achieve what the parents want.

Extra sessions before and after school, at weekends and in school holidays would be extreme interventions for struggling students, surely?
It certainly isn’t the norm.

How old are your children Bookworm?