AIBU to think that just as a male should not slap a woman's face ,a woman shouldn't slap a man ?

[peridito]

Son slapped in face by girlfriend . Night out ,son went outside club/bar to speak to friends ,girlfriend offended and came out and slapped him.

Appreciate there may be more to it than I know ,but is it ever right to slap someone round the face ?

Son seems ok with it ,but I'm not .

OP, rather than a load of “what ifs” on here, why don’t you just ask your son what actually happened? Ask him how he feels, not people on here who will project their own situations.

No she shouldn’t have slapped him ideally, but maybe she just found out he’d been sleeping with her best friend? Anything could have happened.

He may be bothered by this, he may not, but that’s his decision to make.

A girl once slapped my son at school. I asked him why and he said she was showing off. I admit we’ve always told him to not hit girls, even in retaliation, and I’m not going to backtrack on that. He’s 6 ft 6 now. If he was in a relationship with a woman who was attacking him regularly and it was escalating, I would advise him to get out. But one slap, I’d leave that up to him.

and try to explore a complex issue in a bit more depth.

Regarding the ops question, though, there isnt something more complex.

She asked if people really think its ok. That's it.

No one on mn ever says 'it's not ok but.....' when it comes to womens abuse

Because women are not men... Sadly there is not complete parity... otherwise there won't be equality acts, women shortlists, etc. Women are in a lesser power position everywhere. That's why when a woman hits a man we need to look deeper into context.

I thought this was feminism 101?

If one of my boys would come home with the same story I'd ask to analyse the context in full. Which meant also listening to the other part

If my daughter who got hit by a man, my reaction would be completely different.

This reflects the power balance of our society. When women reach the position of hegemony that men have in our society, I'll turn the tables. Gladly.

“She asked if people really think its ok. That's it.“

And everyone has said “no it’s not”. Is that where you want the thread to end?

As a society. Men hold greater power.

That doesnt follow that every man has more power.

The same as, as a group rich people hold power. But individual rich people may not have power because of other things going on in their life.

In a situation where we are talking about 2 individuals, its doesnt mean he had the power.

She hit him. His choice was to restrain her, hit her back or accept it.

She knows hevprobabky wont restrain her or hit her back. The power, in this individual situation, is with her.

Knowing you can hit someone without that person retaliating is abuse.

I have a son and a daughter if either of then laid their hands on someone, both would get the same response from me. It's not acceptable. Ever. At all.

What I did after maybe be different. But that would depend on the person I was dealing with. Personality more than sex.

I wonder how posters would feel if their child was at school and a girl slapped their son, because 'he deserved it'? How would they feel if the school said it wasnt a big deal, because their son is stronger and probably annoyed her anyway.

Our children need to be taught that it's not ok to hit people at all. Not 'well if a girl hits a boy it's not as bad and lets find out what he did to provoke it before making judgments'.

I rear my case.
NSHA
NAMALT.

I didn’t say it did. But we can either have a thread full of people repeating “She should not have hit him” or we can take that as read, and try to explore a complex issue in a bit more depth.

Well, no. Because this thread is about this 1 situation so what complex issues do we need to discuss?

If a woman posts that she's been hit by a man we don't ignore her situation and launch into a wider examination of the issues do we? She is given advice relevant to her situation.

Why, because the victim is a man, do we have to widen it out, basically into "more women are abused by men, so we can ignore your situation".

Men are abused by women. The fact that more women are abused by men doesn't lessen the impact for the abused men.

Agree OP, your not being unreasonable. I think it's unanimous on this thread that female on male violence is not ever acceptable. I hope your DD is ok.

The discussion has moved on and for posters going down the "double standards" road, Butchy explains the difference in consequences perfectly and I think that's important to note. And ultimately men are statistically more likely to hit women than the other way round. However it absolutely happens the other way round too and society plays a big part in a) a mans reluctance to report and b) the perception of people, "she's tiny, she can't possibly have hurt him" kind of thing. Hugs spot on.

However the far remains that if I slap DH round the face it may sting a bit. If he does the same to me he's likely to knock me over. Until the number of women dying each week from beatings from their partner = 0, I believe this is an important derail. It needs to be remembered.

It's been interesting over the last few weeks noticing a pattern in the opinions towards women by certain posters (not you OP!). I'm surprised no one has yet said something along the lines of "well, you feminists wanted equality "

Sorry OP, meant DS

I don’t know what NSHA and NAMALT mean, but saying nobody should hit anyone is simply not the same argument as saying we should not differentiate between male on female and female on male violence.

Men hitting women is a far more serious issue and let’s not try and obfuscate this. It’s obvious. There is a reason why there’s a “code” around “boys don’t hit girls” and this is instilled from an early age. If there was no concept of this and society treated us as “all the same”, well, we’d basically be living like animals and women wouid most definitely come off far worse.

And everyone has said “no it’s not”. Is that where you want the thread to end?

No. Lots said 'it's not ok but.....'

Again, would happen on threads if the sexes were reversed.

Using acronyms, just makes you look like you sre a huge fan of whataboutry. You need to justify your 'it's not ok but'

Its not ok for women to hit men but what about men who hit women. It's a total non argument. The fact that this woman hit a man, doesnt change or lessen the problem of male violence.

The line needs to be that hitting anyone isnt ok.

“Well, no. Because this thread is about this 1 situation so what complex issues do we need to discuss?”

Fair enough. 1000 posts of NSHA. Fill yer boots.

No she shouldn’t have slapped him ideally, but maybe she just found out he’d been sleeping with her best friend? Anything could have happened.

And so what if she had? If he had found out she had been sleeping with someone else does that justify him hitting her? Of course it doesn't.

I thought this was feminism 101?

This isn't a discussion about feminism though is it? This is a mum asking how she can help her child who has been assaulted and is possibly in an abusive relationship.

How does you discussing feminism help them?

However it absolutely happens the other way round too and society plays a big part in a) a mans reluctance to report and b) the perception of people, "she's tiny, she can't possibly have hurt him" kind of thing. Hugs spot on.

As illustrated perfectly on here.

I can't believe the number of posts excusing it because, well more men hit women and if a man hits a woman he will hurt her more.

If a woman says she's been hit do you first interrogate her to find out how was the bigger stronger person before deciding how much sympathy to give?

I don't think it's being excused. I think it's useful to never forget how many women die a week at the hands of a partner. Biology absolutely matters. whilst society needs to change how it perceives F to M violence if needs to address these stats now.

And for the record regardless of whether a male or female friend told me they'd been hit I'd give both the same sympathy. There's a chance one may need medical attention more than the other unfortunately

There is a terrible documentary on iplayer about an abused man. It made me cry.
Nobody should ever slap anyone. If anyone touched me I'd leave them immediately and so should he.

I rear my case.
NSHA
NAMALT

Try using words.

And if people are saying “she shouldn’t but......” surely there’s a conversation to be had about why some people think like that?

“I rear my case.
NSHA
NAMALT

Try using words.
Happy to.
Noone should hit anyone.
Not all men are like that.

I think it's useful to never forget how many women die a week at the hands of a partner. Biology absolutely matters. whilst society needs to change how it perceives F to M violence if needs to address these statsnow

This argument doesnt make sense.

Of course it's worth talking about. Do you talk about it in all threads? Where posters parents have been abusive, do you bring up stats about how many women are abused at the hands of men? or focus on a different abusive situation?

Arguing that a female hitting a male isnt that bad because stats show women are more at risk, doesnt even make sense.

The fact that more women are abused by men, does impact whether a woman hitting a man is right or wrong.

More men drink drive. If I drink drive I am wrong. Doesnt lessen my actions because women dont do it as often.

BertrandRussell exactly where has anyone said not all men are like that. We are talking about this situation. What All me are like or not like is irrelevant.

I dont see your issue with no one should hit anyone?

“This is a mum asking how she can help her child who has been assaulted ”

@peridito you should be supportive and loving and make it clear you believe him. You should help him consider going to the police. You should do everything you can to help him leave the relationship- bearing in mind that if there is a pattern of abuse, the abused person often finds it very difficult indeed to leave. You should help him deal with the fact that his friends may not take it seriously. If there is a pattern of abuse, you could encourage him to seek help to explore what led him into that sort of relationship- this is particularly important if he does not want, at this stage, to leave. Make sure he is aware that abuse very rarely lessens- it almost always gets worse. It’s a tough club, OP. Good luck.

I've opened a big discussion without meaning to .But it's been an eye opening read .

I do judge the GF to be controlling ...but ,think it's not uncommon in a reltionship to have a leader and led .When it tips into controlling is another matter .

Lot of food for thought here and I'm grateful to those who have offered advice on how I should tackle it .I've moved away from thinking I'll tackle the girl friend to concentrating on how I can help my son see things for what they are . The ideal would be him realising stuff without me telling him ( tho I will tell him GF has crossed a line ) .