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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that just as a male should not slap a woman's face ,a woman shouldn't slap a man ?

291 replies

peridito · 14/07/2019 15:54

Son slapped in face by girlfriend . Night out ,son went outside club/bar to speak to friends ,girlfriend offended and came out and slapped him.

Appreciate there may be more to it than I know ,but is it ever right to slap someone round the face ?

Son seems ok with it ,but I'm not .

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/07/2019 19:58

All domestic violence is wrong. The problem is that when a woman is the aggressor, it helps to deflect from the central problem of the male violence that is endemic in our society.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 14/07/2019 20:00

The problem is that when a woman is the aggressor, it helps to deflect from the central problem of the male violence that is endemic in our society.

I dont think it does.

As I have said you can believe that all abuse is wrong as well as knowing women are more at risk of it.

The fact thay some women think it's ok to abuse, doesnt make the problem of male violence any less of a problem.

HugsAreMyDrugs · 14/07/2019 20:04

she's come on here to seek assurance that what happened was beyond the pale. She hasn't got that, has she? Instead, people are accusing her of goading.

Quite frankly if anyone needs to ask whether hitting someone is acceptable then they have a serious problem.

If the OP wanted advice about her specific situation she could have started a thread asking for advice.

I'm very sorry about what happened to her son but starting a goady thread where it's very clear a heated controversial debate will arise from it is not helpful to anyone.

Tennesseewhiskey · 14/07/2019 20:11

It shouldnt be a sensitive and heated debate.

Abuse is wrong. Whoever is doing it.

All the stats and debating about how much harm someone can do, doesnt need to be part of it and doesnt change that abuse is wrong.

Stinkycatbreath · 14/07/2019 20:20

No one needs to be slapping anyone.

thedancingbear · 14/07/2019 20:24

The problem is that when a woman is the aggressor, it helps to deflect from the central problem of the male violence that is endemic in our society.

BertrandRussell, just to be clear, you don't mean to imply that this is the main negative consequence of a man being abused by a woman?

You're one of the sanest posters on here and I can't believe that's what you're driving at.

If your point is that it is an additional consequence then I am absolutely behind you.

thedancingbear · 14/07/2019 20:27

Do you have any idea how sick that makes you sound?

I think you've misunderstood me. I am saying that people justifying abuse (which undeniably happens) is wrong. What did you take my post to mean?

notacooldad · 14/07/2019 20:32

Absolutely wrong, no doubt. It is abusive, humiliating and a sign of power over someone no matter their gender.
My advice would be to end the relationship now out of concern it will escalate.

We were shocked at work when one of our staff who is 6ft 2 and bloody huge, some may say a scary type with tattoos all over his body including neck came into work with cuts and bruises. It was brushed off and happened again. One night he was rushed to hospital. His girlfriend smashed a wine bottle and attacked him with it. It had been going on for months but didn't retaliate as ' men don't hit women's and he thought he could help her.she dam near killed him. He admits he was ashamed and thought people would laugh at him.
Violence against women is the most common form in a relationship i think ( I can't remember what the statistics for same sex relationship abuse is)but female to male violence is also a very real thing.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2019 20:33

“BertrandRussell, just to be clear, you don't mean to imply that this is the main negative consequence of a man being abused by a woman?”

No I don’t mean that. But i’ve said and so has everyone else- that nobody should hit anyone. Which goes without saying, but women have to say it all the time And that smokescreens the provoke. That is male violence.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2019 20:34

*smokescreens the problem that is make violence.

Fraggling · 14/07/2019 20:58

Protein so you also don't agree that level of injury is a poor way of assessing harm.

Although you went about it in a really long winded way because i think you feel uncomfortable with just saying you also disagree

And then seemed to imply that i thought anything less than murder is not a problem, which is so silly i don't think I'll bother responding.

Original poster
peridito · 14/07/2019 21:41

Honestly I had no idea the thread would develop into this argument .Which with hindsight was an error on my part .Seems obvious now .

It truly was not started to goad .And I'd still be grateful for tips on approaching son .

OP posts:
Patroclus · 14/07/2019 21:53

Its something which is normalised on TV, films and soaps especially, and if you watch people and the way they speak, this seems to be how they learn to do relationships.

notacooldad · 14/07/2019 21:54

You heard this info from a third party. Would that person be happy to have their name mentioned in a conversation.
If so I would bring g the conversation up with son, definitely. ' dave tells me there was a bit if an incident going down with you and gf outside The wine lodge last week, what was that all about?
Odds are he'll probably say he doesnt want to talk about it. When I've been in this situation with my lads over something tricky. I just say "I'm starting a conversation because something is really bothering me" and then say your piece. From then on you have a balancing act of being a concerned parent not wanting to get his hunches up to telling him to run for the hills before you kick because so hard she won't sit down for a month! (Joking about the last bit kind if!)
Do you get chance to be alone? Maybe go for a drink orcas him to come round to help with a job or something si you can get him alone.

I would not be ok with this from anyone.

DecomposingComposers · 14/07/2019 21:54

I guess it depends on how your son feels about this and about his gf.

I would be really aware of not pushing him closer to her. It's a tactic that abusers use to isolate people from family and friends isn't it? So I would try very hard to make sure that he knew that I wasn't judging him and that he could be sure that there would never be a "I told you so" attitude from me.

I would say to him that violence is never ok no matter who does it and that he doesn't have to accept it. I would then just keep a close eye on the relationship to watch out for signs of the abuse escalating - does he stay in contact with his friends, does she keep tabs on him or demand constant messages from him, does he seem down etc

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2019 22:02

And I'd still be grateful for tips on approaching son .

Who gave you the information? If it's a trusted source, I'd go for "Fred said he saw Julie slap you last night" and then listen, no comments, no judgement, no advice. And whatever he says, "whatever you decide, I'll be here". It's pretty much the only thing you can say. Sad

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2019 22:05

You say to your son- just as you did when he was at primary school- that nobody- but nobody- has the right to hit him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2019 22:24

BertrandRussell
How many men are killed by their domestic partners every week

Would you say that to someone that has been beaten by his wife?

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2019 22:27

“Would you say that to someone that has been beaten by his wife?”

No. But I would say it on a thread on the Internet where posters are getting overexcited because a woman has hit a man. (Which is a very wrong thing to do) .

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2019 22:31

BertrandRussell

No one is getting over excited, they are just saying that it is abuse and assault.

Which it is.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2019 22:35

“No one is getting over excited, they are just saying that it is abuse and assault.

Which it is.”

Well, it’s certainly assault. It might well be abuse- but we need to know more, surely before we say that?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2019 22:40

BertrandRussell

It might well be abuse- but we need to know more, surely before we say that?

Is that going to be applied to all cases where one partner hits the other or just where a woman hits a man?

Because it doesn't usually work that way on MN.

Patroclus · 14/07/2019 23:19

Its a thread about an incident in which it happened t be a woman hitting a man. It isnt the place to discuss how it isnt so bad for men being abused

LadyRannaldini · 14/07/2019 23:31

I can't understand this idea of 'never hitting a woman', I think never hitting anyone should be the rule but if a woman hits then she deserves to be hit. Too many women hide behind the 'oh but I'm a woman' to defend the aggression.

notacooldad · 14/07/2019 23:40

LadyRannaldini

I can't understand this idea of 'never hitting a woman'
I think there are many sides to this thought. It is certainly one that has been passed down the generations almost like code of honour. It's like the sentiment 'you pick on someone your own size' , that is you wouldn't start a fight with some one physically smaller or weaker than you.
There would be,in certain groups, a sense of shame that you have been physically attacked by a woman.