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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL stuffing her face at ours

336 replies

jamiecooks · 14/07/2019 10:15

I probably ABU BUT MIL driving me mad! She never has any food at hers (pleads poverty but that's a whole other story) - came to ours the other day to look after our baby (we pay her for doing this despite SIL having 5 years of free child care) and basically chomped through almost a whole packet of chocolate hobnobs. They were in a tub in the corner of a cupboard so she also obviously went looking for them.

Previously she'd also been in my cupboard and helped herself to the posh chocs my DH had bought me for my birthday! After that, I started having to hide nice food but didn't get chance to this time as her coming to ours was unexpected - logistical reasons which DH organised without telling me.

She's also previously looked at financial documents in our house (I know because something had been left out and moved and she is very nosy by her own admittance) and I had been doing a tax return the other day so had left out my folders with all my statements/payslips etc in at top of stairs to put away - had I known she was coming I'd have put it all away but I didn't know and when I got home it was clear she had been looking at it as docs were popping out of folder which weren't before, specifically my pay slip so she now presumably knows what I earn

AIBU?

OP posts:
AlaskanOilBaron · 14/07/2019 11:55

Or are you all saying you would go to your daughters houses and eat a packet of biscuits without asking?

I would hope that my adult children would be the hosts that I've raised them to be, which is to make their guests feel at home. Frankly I would feel like a failure if my children kept track of what food I ate their house.

Absolutely bonkers to be upset about this.

PuppyMonkey · 14/07/2019 11:55

I have members of my family here all the time and funnily enough not one of them goes through my fridge and cupboards to eat whatever they fancy. I must have a very weird family! (I do actually).

Beautiful3 · 14/07/2019 11:56

Perhaps buy her a nice packet of biscuits when she babysits. It's cheaper than paying for childcare.

ZandathePanda · 14/07/2019 11:58

Empty a whole packet of hob nobs and arrange nicely on a plate next to milk/sugar/tea/coffee facilities. Job done. Hopefully she’ll be too busy with those to go nosing round other things.

Beautiful3 · 14/07/2019 11:58

I help myself to biscuits whenever I visit my parents. When they were well in the past and visited, I always made sandwiches and bought a cake.

NoSauce · 14/07/2019 11:59

One packet of hobnobs placed in a tub in the corner of a closed kitchen cupboard, you mean. You’d have gone in and just helped yourself would you, NoSauce?

Yes of course as my family would do if they were babysitting for me and I’d been rude enough not to leave anything out for them.

fikel · 14/07/2019 11:59

She’s family and my family are welcome to go through my food cupboards and help themselves.
Next time plate up something and tell her I have left something out for you if you want anything to eat. This is the normal thing to do for babysitters.
Maybe it was unacceptable if her to look through papers but I think if you were close to her it wouldn’t bother you so much and you could bring it up in a jokey fashion

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2019 12:00

I expect my family to treat my house as they would treat their own.

ssd · 14/07/2019 12:01

I grind my teeth about the amount of parents on here who have grandparents providing loving childcare, not to the high standards of the parents who like to slag them off and treat them contemptuously, but provide it nonetheless so, usually it's so the mum can work. And mum admits she couldn't work without this free or very cheap help, but mum is still on mn slating the help she's been given. And grudging everything the grandparents do.

Who'd be a MIL these days??

Dillydallyingthrough · 14/07/2019 12:01

I can believe Im reading someone being annoyed and complaining that a family member doing them a favour has eaten a packet of biscuits! In my family we eat whatever we want in each others houses (and if it's for a particular meal we just say).

The paperwork is different - why not just ask why she looks through it? Like PP I leave my financial stuff out and trust no-one I leave in my house would look at it.

I do think some of the issue is that your SIL got free childcare. That is between your SIL and MIL.

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 14/07/2019 12:02

I can believe Im reading someone being annoyed and complaining that a family member doing them a favour has eaten a packet of biscuits!

the OP is talking about the dreaded MIL , it's not that surprising Grin

Playmytune · 14/07/2019 12:04

@jaimecooks YANBU.
I think op is being unfairly judged here.

Private documents are just that PRIVATE. Op should not have to lock them away, to prevent mil from going through them. It’s not as if mil has glanced at them, because they were lying open, she has deliberately gone through them!! That is CFery behaviour of the highest class and completely out of order!

Op has bought specific treats for mil in the past, ”But maybe you're right, the way forward is to get her treats in (though I have done this before and she's said she doesn't want them) so she doesn't then eat all the stuff I'm saving!”
Plus mil wasn’t there the whole day, “am annoyed at the fact she ate almost a whole packet - she was only here for 2 hours before taking DC to hers” it is very greedy to eat all those biscuits in such a short time, especially when she is charging op and her dh to look after their child!
Eating special chocs was not only greedy, but completely ignorant and op’s dh should have pulled her up on that!

I can totally understand op being annoyed she has to pay her mil to look after her child, when sil got free childcare. This is double standards! It’s like she doesn’t really want to see op’s child, unless they pay her (making them a 2nd class gc), not normal gp situation.

One good thing though op....when mil is old and needs help, either sil gets on with it, or you and dh can help if she pays you!!

QueenBeex · 14/07/2019 12:04

I babysit my nieces and nephews, last week when I was at my sister's I ate a packet of crisps, some Haribo sweets and also cooked a pizza. My sister actually asks me what things she can buy for me to snack on when she goes to do her shopping, she also tells me each time I arrive that I should help my self! It's never been an issue for her if I eat at hers when I happily babysit for free.

ssd · 14/07/2019 12:04

Are all daughters in law so fucking entitled?

PuppyMonkey · 14/07/2019 12:06

Okay I believe you all - it is perfectly normal for visiting family to just rifle through a host’s cupboards and have whatever they like.

You live and learn.Grin

(Glad I have a weird family who wouldn’t)....

GPatz · 14/07/2019 12:07

No SSD. Calm down.

NoSauce · 14/07/2019 12:07

Maybe she didn’t eat them all herself, maybe she gave some to the baby?! Now that’s something to froth about Wink

NoSauce · 14/07/2019 12:09

Okay I believe you all - it is perfectly normal for visiting family to just rifle through a host’s cupboards and have whatever they like

Stop being so dramatic. She took one packet of biscuits out of the cupboard. She didn’t go rooting under the bed and eat 20 boxes of hidden chocolates. Bloody hell!

NoSauce · 14/07/2019 12:10

And the OP wasn’t hosting, MIL was doing her the favour.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/07/2019 12:12

MIl isn't doing them a favour she's being paid.

TwistyTop · 14/07/2019 12:15

I wouldn't really care about her eating biscuits at yours but looking through your stuff is way out of line. Listen to PPs telling you to get someone else in to do the childcare! It's not as if she's doing it for free so there's no reason for you to put up with this shit.

I would actually tell her that you're getting someone else in because she's been rifling through financial documents, but if you don't want to open that can of worms you can always make something up.

NoSauce · 14/07/2019 12:17

We can't really afford alternative childcare though as we don't pay her what we'd pay for childcare elsewhere. I know we are getting a good deal

I would say that’s classed as a favour.

PianoTuner567 · 14/07/2019 12:18

when I was at my sister's I ate a packet of crisps, some Haribo sweets and also cooked a pizza.

Would you have done that if she hadn’t told you to help yourself or asked you what you wanted?

Then if yes, would you do the same if it was your SIL’s or MIL’s house?

Knittedfairies · 14/07/2019 12:20

This isn't about your MIL eating your chocolate and your HobNobs though really; at the root of it is that you pay for childcare when your SIL didn't/doesn't and your MIL is a snooper.
Find someone else...

Tableclothing · 14/07/2019 12:22

MIl isn't doing them a favour she's being paid.

She's being paid below market rate; she is doing them a favour.

OP, could your MIL be in actual financial difficulties? You say she pleads poverty, she never has any food in at home, she eats as much as she can at others' houses. Possibly a bit worrying when you put it all together.