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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he unintentionally gaslighting me?

139 replies

Howdidido · 14/07/2019 09:51

Me and DH (and he is really D) seem to have these arguments where I say something which i think is inoffensive and he takes great offense at but it seems to be for something else and then tells me he's not angry, I'm just acting crazy
E.g. this morning he said he wanted to go straight to my parents from swimming with DD. I said we'd have to come back first as I've made a cake for Ddad and it couldn't stay in the car. He seemed really pissed off. Then said he has so many things to do this morning..When I asked what they were so I could help he got annoyed (not shouting just irritated) that I didn't know what those things were and that I never was aware of what needed doing. I said I am, I'm just not aware of what's bothering him this morning so to please tell me so I could help with it.
He sulked off out of the room and refused to engage.
When he sulks off I get upset. I get confused as to what I've done wrong and tell him that I don't know but that seems to piss him off more.
It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already. And then denying he got annoyed at the original thing.
I want this to work. We've got DD and another on the way. I don't want him to be stressed and I want to help but he seems to think I should know what these things are and just get them sorted.
And I do, I do lots. I think I do anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdidido · 14/07/2019 09:51

Sorry was longer than I intended.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdidido · 14/07/2019 09:52

Rereading I sound a bit pathetic don't I?

OP posts:
SayNoToCarrots · 14/07/2019 09:53

It doesn't really sound unintentional from your post.

Somersetlady · 14/07/2019 09:53

That sounds exhausting. Tell him it making your life a misery and can he please inform you of things that need doing bu him on a list so this sotuation doesnt arise again!

YouTheCat · 14/07/2019 09:54

I don't think you can gaslight unintentionally. He sounds like a massive twat.

HumpHumpWhale · 14/07/2019 09:55

He sounds awful, tbh. I'm sure he's not like this all the time, but you clearly have a communication problem at best. You need to really talk about it when neither of you ate upset. Possibly via a few sessions of couple's therapy if he won't engage otherwise. My DH and I found it really useful. We got into really bad dynamics after kids and out really helped unlock things.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/07/2019 09:55

That's not gaslighting. That's him being a controlling arse.

He makes you be wrong so he can sulk, so you dance around trying to win his approval or lose the plot. Either way he wins.

IAmcuriousyellow · 14/07/2019 09:56

He sounds pathetic, not you. The big baby. What a way to carry on. I bet he enjoys you giving him all the attention while you try to find out what’s “wrong”. When he does this you need to leave him alone to sulk and get on with what you want to do, preferably whistling cheerfully.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 14/07/2019 09:57

Breathe. Not pathetic at all. You’re not a mind reader. You’ve asked him to tell you what the things he needs to do are so you can help him, he won’t, so what more can you do? Stand firm. Don’t appease him, soothe him or apologise to him. You did something very reasonable, and he’s done something unreasonable (stropping off and not telling you the list of things to be done).
I’d say at a guess, it’s because the ‘list of things’ isn’t that long Hmm

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/07/2019 09:57

You don't sound pathetic, you sound like you just want him to be happy. Unfortunately he's using your niceness against you.

BuildBuildings · 14/07/2019 09:57

Doesn't sound unintentional. He might not be aware it's gaslighting but I would say he's fully aware he is manipulating the arguments to get you begging to him. How often does this happen? Have you tried discussing this behaviour outside of the arguments?

ALittleBitAlexis · 14/07/2019 09:58

It sounds like he enjoys seeing you get upset and watching you beg to be told what you've done wrong, I don't think there's anything unintentional about it.

Original poster
Howdidido · 14/07/2019 09:58

I tell him to make a list. That's what I do with things that need doing. But he says I should make the list.
I make lists so things don't get forgotten and so it's not stressing out my head. I don't know why he won't

I am exhausted.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 14/07/2019 09:58

That doesn’t sound unintentional, an emotionally mature person would just tell you what needs doing so you can decide together how to spend your morning.

BuffaloCauliflower · 14/07/2019 09:58

He’s being really awful to you. I don’t think it’s unintentional, I think he’s controlling and nasty. Sulking like this and the essentially making you beg. Really nasty.

OverpricedFloorCushion · 14/07/2019 09:58

I could have written your post.

DP is wonderful in many ways but this drives me up the wall and really upsets me. He becomes hostile and cold and I can never work out why... often when he snaps out of it his "reason" is something petty and trivial. I often wonder if he's just horrible because he feels like it then comes up with an excuse later.

I've found that not engaging is the best way forward - similar to a child with a tantrum, just ignore and carry on with something else. If you cry and beg for his attention he'll just carry it on longer because he knows he's in control.

Or LTB.

Original poster
Howdidido · 14/07/2019 09:59

I'm the one who flies off the handle though. I end up shouting and angry that he won't just tell me. He just gets colder and colder.

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 14/07/2019 09:59

This isn't good for you, your unborn baby or your DD. It sounds like he is experiencing his own mental health issues and you have got into a cycle of behaviours that you've described in your OP. Imagine doing this in years to come with 2 children also having to watch what they say, second guess what he is thinking, looking to you for help and protection .. Is that how you want to live your lives? Something needs to change, doesn't it?

Loopytiles · 14/07/2019 10:00

His behaviour is unacceptable, at best.

In the short term, stop asking what you’ve done wrong and getting heated, just leave him to be moody - this is all about him being unreasonable, nothing you’ve done.

If he’s not emotionally abusive - this kind of thing can be - suggest couple’s counselling with someone well qualified, and pulling him up on it.

OverpricedFloorCushion · 14/07/2019 10:00

And you don't sound pathetic. He makes you feel like something is wrong and naturally you want to make things ok. He has already decided in his own mind that he wont let that happen until he decides.

What he is doing is intentional, don't let him carry on.

EyesOpenWide · 14/07/2019 10:02

What a total knob.

Gaslighting, sulking, stonewalling... ending up with you upset and begging to know what you did wrong while he stays calm and cold and denying he was annoyed in the first place. Chilling.

He sounds like a psychopath actually.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 14/07/2019 10:02

wpuldnt anyone flies off the handle though? If someone was goading you with - there’s something wrong, but I won’t tell you what - of course you’ll get more and more frustrated until your emotions are heightened. Plus you’re pregnant! Even more likely to feel your emotions and display them.

KeepFuckingOff · 14/07/2019 10:03

He is gaslighting and controlling you, winding you up so you blow your top and enjoying the effect he has on you. Constantly moving the goal posts and manipulating your mood. He’s vile. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s true, people who love you don’t treat you like this.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/07/2019 10:03

I'm the one who flies off the handle though. I end up shouting and angry that he won't just tell me. He just gets colder and colder.

Like I said, he wins. He's made you run round after him and lose the plot, whilst he's all 'superior' and in control.

This is genuinely nasty behaviour from him.

jamaisjedors · 14/07/2019 10:03

OMG your post sounds exactly like my H...
Down to the "you know what you've done"

It's horrible and you are not pathetic, as others have said, you are trying to be happy and make everyone else happy .

Unfortunately I don't have any advice except get to counselling quickly as you are expecting his baby.

I am in the process of leaving my H after 20+ years, don't think this will go away on its own. Sad