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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he unintentionally gaslighting me?

139 replies

Howdidido · 14/07/2019 09:51

Me and DH (and he is really D) seem to have these arguments where I say something which i think is inoffensive and he takes great offense at but it seems to be for something else and then tells me he's not angry, I'm just acting crazy
E.g. this morning he said he wanted to go straight to my parents from swimming with DD. I said we'd have to come back first as I've made a cake for Ddad and it couldn't stay in the car. He seemed really pissed off. Then said he has so many things to do this morning..When I asked what they were so I could help he got annoyed (not shouting just irritated) that I didn't know what those things were and that I never was aware of what needed doing. I said I am, I'm just not aware of what's bothering him this morning so to please tell me so I could help with it.
He sulked off out of the room and refused to engage.
When he sulks off I get upset. I get confused as to what I've done wrong and tell him that I don't know but that seems to piss him off more.
It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already. And then denying he got annoyed at the original thing.
I want this to work. We've got DD and another on the way. I don't want him to be stressed and I want to help but he seems to think I should know what these things are and just get them sorted.
And I do, I do lots. I think I do anyway.

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 16/07/2019 04:08

Forget giving him a pen and paper to tell you what's wrong with you.

Change your mindset. When he starts a sulk that is a sign there is something wrong with him not something wrong with you, not something wrong with the situation.

It will be easier if you have the mindset of he's having one of his silent mantrums again . The correct response is to 100% ignore it, just like you would with a toddler. Your only dilemma should be whether to forgive him without him apologising or not.

floribunda18 · 16/07/2019 05:19

I think there is a lot of projection going on here by posters. "Pathetic excuse for a man" is quite an extrapolation, based on what we know about him from the OP.

Are you able to have a rational conversation about these outbursts when he's in a better mood? He sounds a bit stressed out/mildly depressed. I recognise the feeling of being overwhelmed by having a lot to do and not being able to face any of it, even when you break it down, none of it is that difficult nor is there even that much to do. It would annoy the tits off me if DH asked me to write a list of what was bothering me then and there though, even though writing a list is good advice. I think people are allowed to be grumpy and irrational at times.

floribunda18 · 16/07/2019 05:23

Also you are in that phase of having young children which is emotionally and physically exhausting, there are bound to be some stupid arguments. A relationship can survive almost anything if you get through the next few years.

Ohyesiam · 16/07/2019 05:45

He withholds information so he can be angry with you for not knowing.
He’s controlling.

cccameron · 16/07/2019 06:06

Just out of interest how much extra did it add to the journey to come back for the cake.

Teacher22 · 16/07/2019 06:18

OP, you are not imagining this. Your DO is doing this to be controlling whether it is conscious or unconscious. He is gaslighting, sulking and manoeuvring you into being in the wrong.

My DH of many years did this for six months after each of the four times he was made redundant. The last time he had no chance of getting another job as he was too old. I challenged him on it and said that I was not going to live with such bullying for the rest of my life and that we could split the assets and have an amiable separation.

It has more or less stopped. Last Saturday he had a major sulk about going to a work barbecue at his temporary job because he signed up to it and changed him mind. I gave no quarter about his awful behaviour and he eventually apologised and said he didn’t know what had come over him.

OP, challenge this man and get it sorted or live with it forever. He probably needs counselling or marriage guidance intervention.

Teacher22 · 16/07/2019 06:20

DO -DH
Him mind - his mind
Sorry!

user1480880826 · 16/07/2019 06:26

He’s got you exactly where he wants you. He making you the one that shouts and he makes him self look like he does everything.

Original poster

Howdidido · 16/07/2019 16:03

An update for those who are interested
We spoke when we were both calm.
floribunda18 has it right. He's stressed and a bit depressed. He's finding it hard to see past the things that are occupying his mind and really it's not that much, but he can't see that in the moment.
So we went through all the things that needed doing and see aside time for one of us to do them.
So it was about control but about him feeling like he had control over his life rather than over me. Maybe there was an element on needing control over something but I don't think it was conscious.
And I told him that acting like that is really incredibly upsetting to me. But that I would control myself and he had to too.
I will be as people have advised controlling my own reaction to the next time (I'm sure there will be a next timw) and explaining I will be dealing with tantrums the same way we do for DD. That I understand the stress (work is shit at the moment) and he feels like he needs control but he can't take it on me
So again, thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howdidido · 16/07/2019 16:05

Teacher22 i found that really helpful. I don't want this to be how he reacts or acts towards me every time things get stressful.
cccameron 5mins

OP posts:

AllOverIt · 16/07/2019 16:13

He still sounds like a master manipulator. You've come away with as many, if not more things to change about yourself.

His behaviour is controlling. But you seem to be fine with his explanation, so good luck to you.

I have a horrible feeling that you'll need it.

SmallHope · 16/07/2019 16:21

He still sounds like a master manipulator.

I agree. Did he take any responsibility for repeatedly treating you awfully (sulking really is so immature and passive aggressive) or did he just make excuses?

I think you'll be posting about him again. And I'm not projecting, luckily I've never had a relationship where I was treated like this. I wouldn't stand for a man that sulked.

Smotheroffive · 23/07/2019 08:37

... i think is inoffensive and he takes great offense at but it seems to be for something else and then tells me he's not angry, I'm just acting crazy

Abusive to be turning your concerns around onto you and calling you crazy

... He sulked off out of the room and refused to engage.

This is him punishing you, he has shut you and your communication down.

When he sulks off I get upset. I get confused as to what I've done wrong and tell him that I don't know but that seems to piss him off more.

You being upset literally posses him off!!! I mean, have tou read what youve written? If you went to your dp upset would that piss them off?

It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already. And then denying he got annoyed at the original thing.

This is gaslighting, and will, and does, make women 'crazy'. It will cause head fuck, over long term will damage your mental health

I want this to work

Yes, yiu are very invested and worried, or you wouldnt be writing this and taking responsibility for trying to improve things. However, he is not interested in talking, explaining, etc. He has the upper hand, and thats the way he wants it to stay.

He has no concern for your feelings, his matter only. Hes made that clear. Someone who can treat someone this way does not love them. I worry the effects of this on you and your dc.

I don't want him to be stressed

you feel sorry for him, hes suffering (pah). He doesnt care that he is the source of your intense distress, is he saying i dont want her to be deliberately distressed

He knows full well whats hes doing. You're the only one that doesnt, and hes getting away with it, he knows he is.

I am sorry he is this way, and that there is nothing you can do.

I was interested in your update, but talking to your partner is only possible if he's your actual partner,in more than name only.

Talking is part of being a partner committed to a relationship and not wanting to hurt them. He is not having a relationship,but you are trying to.

You are like a moth that will repeatedly bash yourself on that glass light. Because you are being fed this by him.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 23/07/2019 08:46

Next time tell him to stop sulking and spit it out, whatevers bothering him. You're not a mind reader.

And ignore. Treat him as the child he is.

Might be worth Relate / some couples counseling to help you communicate more effectively especially with another baby on the way.

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