Is he unintentionally gaslighting me?

[Howdidido]

Me and DH (and he is really D) seem to have these arguments where I say something which i think is inoffensive and he takes great offense at but it seems to be for something else and then tells me he's not angry, I'm just acting crazy
E.g. this morning he said he wanted to go straight to my parents from swimming with DD. I said we'd have to come back first as I've made a cake for Ddad and it couldn't stay in the car. He seemed really pissed off. Then said he has so many things to do this morning..When I asked what they were so I could help he got annoyed (not shouting just irritated) that I didn't know what those things were and that I never was aware of what needed doing. I said I am, I'm just not aware of what's bothering him this morning so to please tell me so I could help with it.
He sulked off out of the room and refused to engage.
When he sulks off I get upset. I get confused as to what I've done wrong and tell him that I don't know but that seems to piss him off more.
It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already. And then denying he got annoyed at the original thing.
I want this to work. We've got DD and another on the way. I don't want him to be stressed and I want to help but he seems to think I should know what these things are and just get them sorted.
And I do, I do lots. I think I do anyway.

When he sulks off I get upset. I get confused as to what I've done wrong and tell him that I don't know but that seems to piss him off more.

[Prepares to be flamed, but this is my experience]

When he sulks, give him space to sulk - half an hour, an hour. Don't pester him, don't insist on a conversation about it, just leave him be. Equally, don't take it personally - he's not sulking to punish you, he's sulking to inwardly process what just happened. The sulking is not about you, it's about him.

If he's otherwise perfect (!), accept this part of his personality and find way past it, rather than obsessing on it and getting upset. The sulk times do shorten - DH used to sulk for a full day, now he's down to about ten minutes

I'm the one who flies off the handle though. I end up shouting and angry that he won't just tell me. He just gets colder and colder.

That's deliberate, he enjoys the dynamic of irrational, emotional woman and cool, logical man.

Next time, resist the temptation to engage at all - just let him go off and sulk, and see what happens. He'll either get over himself once he realises he's not getting to play this stupid game, or he'll try to needle you even more - in which case you'll know for certain that he's an abusive dick.

He is controlling you with his manipulative behaviour. Google “ passive aggressive “ and you will recognise him.

The fact that he is calm and you seem “ irrationally angry” is a high clue.

huge clue

When he is like this don’t engage with him, you begging, shouting etc is exactly what he wants and makes him feel in control

When he goes off leave him to it, let him make the first move to reengage

Let him go and sulk. Ignore sulky behaviour, just as you would with a sulky toddler. Don't reward it with attention. Starve the attention and don't be asking him what's up, he loves the power. Crack on with what you have to do and wait for him to grow up.

I split with my H after almost 30 years because of similar behaviour
It started as an occasional sulk but became more frequent. I think he wouldnt say what was wrong because he knew it was unreasonable. He also wouldn't communicate. It was pathetic. So for eg if we were going to clean the house he wouldn't discuss who was doing what do I had to wait to see what he started before I knew what I was doing
If I ever meet anyone else one sulk and I'm out of there
My advice. Either leave or stop pandering to him. Tell him to grow up. You are not a mind reader he either tells you stuff or you won't know it. If he sulks go out for the day and leave him to it. Easier said than done because they bring the whole house down but work on your reactions and stop trying to make him happy. It will reinforce that he is right and increase the behaviours you don't want

It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already.

Wow, you really need to stop doing this. Just ignore him and pretend not to give a shit.

It is unlikely to be unaware of his behaviour. It has pay-offs for him.

You need to change your reaction. Currently he's totally in control of the situation and knows your buttons. Next time he sulks off, don't run after him and wring your hands begging to be told. Leave him alone and get on with what you're doing. If he comes back to pick an argument, which he probably will when he realises you aren't running after him, give him one chance. He behaves like an adult and tells you what the problem is or you walk away and do something else. Don't engage, don't argue, just walk away.

The problem here is the way that you manage conflict as a couple. It sounds like you have very different styles - he probably believes that he's in the right, because he stays calm while you're the one who gets angry.

I think you would really benefit from counselling or a marriage course to work through this together.

I’m not sure it’s gaslighting more nasty controlling arsehole.

He goads you until you get upset, he upsets his pregnant wife for no reason other than because he can.

He’s not ‘D’ anything.

Ignore his sulking, don’t play the game.

This back and forth only serves to upset you and he wins. Drop your end of the rope.

He sounds like a horrible, abusive man. I can’t imagine being married (and having children with) such a person. Your poor kids will get this treatment too unless you can stop him acting this way. I wish you luck.

How do his parents deal with conflict?

My mother used to use the 'you know what you've done' and going very cold, withdrawing affection until I saw the error of my ways (which was rare because I usually didn't know what I'd done - how was I to know that leaving a pair of shoes in the hallway was suddenly forbidden?)

So is this learned behaviour? Because I had a very strained relationship with my mother because of her (to me) irrationally deciding that I'd crossed some line that she'd drawn that she'd never clearly communicated to me in the first place.

That sounds unpleasant. I would stop running after him for an explanation though. Just say Fine, whatever, let him stew by himself and get on with your day as you planned.

He is punishing you. He wanted to go straight somewhere and you said no because of the cake.

You are being punished for disagreeing and not doing as he said.

He isn’t very ‘d’ at all, though, is he? He’s a nasty, abusive wanker.

Stop reacting to him, just be as cold. Give him a logical response of ‘You have not told me what your list is, therefore until you do, I will do my own thing’ and walk away. No engaging, no getting upset, certainly no screaming. Your dc will be horribly affected by him behaving in this way and seeing mum upset and screaming is awful for them and you. Why are you with this idiot?

How often does he do this?

How does he behave when you disagree or express annoyance with him?

I agree with magoria re the punishment aspect of his behaviour

It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already.

I don't mean to raise the panic flag, but this is exactly what my dad did. He was sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally abusive.

The "you know what you've done" game was just another way for him to claim his power over us.

I agree, sounds as though he is passive aggressive - often nicknamed as Crazy-Makers

I'm the one who flies off the handle though. I end up shouting and angry that he won't just tell me. He just gets colder and colder.

He is a nasty bastard. You need to start disengaging emotionally. Disengaging physically would be preferable but with one child already and another one on the way I don’t suppose that’s realistic in the short term.

Has he always been this way or did this behaviour start when you were pregnant?

Going off the handle is a very common response to stonewalling, contempt and defensive behaviour which is what he is doing.

Have you read this stuff -
www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

jamaisjedors
staying calm and cold and saying I know already.

Bloody hell, that must be part of a script, my ex used to accuse me of this as well. It's because they're being a sulking arse for no reason, so can't come up with a convincing story. It leaves you seething in frustration, because there's no way to fix the imaginary insult.