Is he unintentionally gaslighting me?

[Howdidido]

Me and DH (and he is really D) seem to have these arguments where I say something which i think is inoffensive and he takes great offense at but it seems to be for something else and then tells me he's not angry, I'm just acting crazy
E.g. this morning he said he wanted to go straight to my parents from swimming with DD. I said we'd have to come back first as I've made a cake for Ddad and it couldn't stay in the car. He seemed really pissed off. Then said he has so many things to do this morning..When I asked what they were so I could help he got annoyed (not shouting just irritated) that I didn't know what those things were and that I never was aware of what needed doing. I said I am, I'm just not aware of what's bothering him this morning so to please tell me so I could help with it.
He sulked off out of the room and refused to engage.
When he sulks off I get upset. I get confused as to what I've done wrong and tell him that I don't know but that seems to piss him off more.
It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already. And then denying he got annoyed at the original thing.
I want this to work. We've got DD and another on the way. I don't want him to be stressed and I want to help but he seems to think I should know what these things are and just get them sorted.
And I do, I do lots. I think I do anyway.

In a slightly different context, a phrase I used with dippy pupils was, "Sorry, I didn't do A-level telepathy" .
Put the ball back in his court. Keep calm (externally at least) and say something like, "Sorry, I really don't know what you're on about. Give me a clue, and I'll be happy to sort things out." Make it clear who is the unreasonable one.

I agree with magoria seems like hes punishing you. He's not doing anything unintentionally I'd bet my life he knows exactly what he's doing and why. He's a nasty pos. Doing this while your pregnant too, the dick.

So thank you those who suggested I just carry on. That's what I'm doing today. And if nothing else it's helping me feel like I'm not losing control
I know it's just a snapshot of our relationship. He is genuinely a good man. And I believe I am genuinely a good person too! We are different in how we deal with anger/frustration and it is totally down to how our parents did! His dad sulks. It is the only thing I dislike about an otherwise perfect FIL! His mum used to get very angry but doesn't seem to any more.
My mum is a quick to flare up quick to be nice again person (which I guess I am too with less drama!) And my dad is a very calm until he explodes man.
None of these seem like good ways to deal with it, but I find the anger easy to handle because I know it.
I really hate sulking. It frustrates me and that is a problem. I've suggested counselling for it before but he's not so keen, not being a talker.
Thank you all again. I've calmed down so much now- I couldn't see how to before.

I've suggested counselling for it before but he's not so keen, not being a talker

Go on your own.

'Sulking' is anger + withdrawing. Its a punishment and part of the controlling behaviour.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/misterbcard.pdf

You’re now minimising and equating your behaviour to his.

FIL is not “otherwise perfect” if he behaves like that in his relationship.

“I've suggested counselling for it before but he's not so keen, not being a talker.” That’s unlikely to be the true reason. The status quo works for him. He is not concerned about how his behaviour affects you, doesn’t wish to change it, and he knows you won’t insist or end the relationship.

It stems from resentment. There's a wonderful life out there that he could be having if he wasn't expected to be doing fucking chores.

Doesn’t sound like there’s anything unintentional about it OP - he’s using the tactics of sulking, being emotionally unavailable and gaslighting to manipulate you into doing what he wants. In the situation you’ve described, you went against his wishes (in a very minor way) and as a consequence he has deliberately punished you until you are jumping up and down to his tune, trying to make up to him for your ‘transgression’. This is deeply horrible, bullying behaviour from a man who clearly prioritises getting his way at all times over your wellbeing.

It always ends with me shouting and begging to be told what I've done wrong and him staying calm and cold and saying I know already. And then denying he got annoyed at the original thing.

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you always get what you’ve always gotten”.

Try a different tactic. Try ignoring him and going about your day as planned. Don’t take his bait.

He deliberately picks fights to wind you up so that you will blow up at him. Then he can call you crazy and feel like a calm person.

Try not reacting at all to it at all - I wager you'll find that he becomes visibly angry and aggressive.

He does this because he is boiling with rage inside, can't or won't express it himself, so needs to use you as a conduit.

Google passive aggression and, yes, hes also gas lighting. He is emotionally abusive.

He's too old to change and you need to be making some long term decisions here and thinking about whether you want to live the rest of your life like this. Over time, he will drive you mad until it becomes impossible to leave.

These types can be very difficult to divorce and negotiate with on child matters. Document everything and put in a safe place (not in the house) for later. You can also use the documentation to keep you sane, by preventing him from rewriting narratives ... because you already have what happened written down.

@twoshedsjackson

Put the ball back in his court. Keep calm (externally at least) and say something like, "Sorry, I really don't know what you're on about. Give me a clue, and I'll be happy to sort things out." Make it clear who is the unreasonable one.

Unfortunately, having dealt with years of that sulking-and-accusing, making it clear who's being unreasonable doesn't work. They already know they're being unreasonable and don't care - it's about punishing you, so no amount of appeasing/being reasonable/trying to identify the problem/scoring points will have any effect. It's bullying, getting an emotional fillip from having you feel guilty.

I can’t bear sulkers, so I wouldn’t stick around. But if you want to stay, I would try and behave differently. Next time he starts to sulk, say “I’m going to ask you once what’s wrong, and if you answer then we’ll talk about it. However, if you don’t tell me, I’m not going to ask you again, I’m just going to carry on with my day “.
I truly believe that sulking isn’t just the way some people handle problems. It’s a deliberate act designed to punish and upset those around them. If you show you aren’t going to rise to it, he’ll get bored of sulking.

Unfortunately, having dealt with years of that sulking-and-accusing, making it clear who's being unreasonable doesn't work. They already know they're being unreasonable and don't care - it's about punishing you, so no amount of appeasing/being reasonable/trying to identify the problem/scoring points will have any effect. It's bullying, getting an emotional fillip from having you feel guilty

This. The OPs partner is really enjoying seeing her beg.

"Not being a talker" will actually be part of the problem. We're 15 years down the line from where you are, and not communicating has become totally entrenched. I'm not getting things done properly because I need validation to function at my best, and I resent my husband because he continues to do his own thing yet any time I try to bring up problems he turns it straight back on me. If I get angry or upset or anything, I'm in the wrong by default. Sometimes he'll

We still haven't got counselling together (I started seeing someone on my own with a view to doing some joint sessions). There's never time - he's got a horrible commute etc etc. Conveniently he recently said well why don't we organise something over the summer now there's a bit more time. But I'm not quite sure where he thinks the time will be, he never tells me his working-from-home days in advance and only a couple of weeks back mentioned an overseas conference he's got to go to at the end of the month ...

Please please please get some counselling sessions to help work out what to do with your differing communication styles and how to deal with conflict together - before it eats you up and tears you apart.

I think I accidentally ‘gaslight’ sometimes. I have short term memory problems, I don’t always hear things said to me, I don’t take everything in. Conversations with DH go;
Him: I said about so and so didn’t I?
Me: No you didn’t!
Him: yes, I did, Saturday afternoon..
Me: erm, I don’t remember that...
But I don’t do it to get my own way and if I’ve missed something I apologise! We have a joint calendar on our phones and I usually remember if I see it written down.

This is that. He’s deliberately manipulating you by behaving this way, he’s controlling you. Course he doesn’t want counselling, things might change and things work for him the way they are now. I would definitely have that counselling on your own.

I think this man sounds manipulative and abusive as well. Sorry, OP. My ex was similar but did a lot of other abusive things. He always told me I was to blame. I tried to convince him I wasn't and behaved nicely to show I wasn't. He had me exactly where he wanted me. It took me a long time to see the light. So glad he's my ex. Don't accept the behaviour. If he sees there is a problem and is willing to work on it, that's fine but otherwise he's not going to stop and you aren't to blame.

Twat. This is a power play and he knows it pushes your buttons, so it is cruel and really mean.

I think today you have caught him out because he was trying to sound busy and put out but he has no answer to a simple question and he can’t be wrong so he is twisting it onto you.

How I would handle it is to not get drawn in. In fact I would be dismissive. “Oh well it’s not that importantly” “well I am sure you can handle it”.

Leave the room. Do not ask or beg

You are compartmentalising off the bits of nasty behaviour.

It is nasty, and controlling. It's got you upset, confused, and running around trying to appease.

It will get worse as you are more worn out with childcare etc.

It truly is a nasty way to treat someone you love and you will never change it sadly. He is dangling you on a string and playing with you, watching you get in a state and that puts him back in control.

What a nasty fucker to be calling you crazy, that's not someone who gives two fucks about what he's doing to you.

The consequence of this particular 'D' character is you feeling mad, bad and sad (see freedom programme).

He's really not so 'D' it's who he is.

You feeling like the angry one is all part of the effect it has on you, it has this effect on everyone.

Having another baby on the way is reason to be thinking very clearly about your next steps.

Your mil has had this all her life, how awful, and she is beaten down by it to the point she has shut herself down. Anger is good, anger is the right response to such treatment. Don't minimise this.

Have a conversation with him about this behaviour when he's in a reasonable mood and tell him how it comes over as gaslighting. Ask him if he can explain why he does it - he can't genuinely think you know what he wants when you're telling him you don't. Ask him to think about what it takes to prevent the whole cycle from starting - I assume he manages not to behave like this at work, so he should be perfectly capable of controlling himself with you. Quite simply, he has to grow up if he wants his marriage to survive.

And warn him that, if he can't control himself, you are going to give him one reminder of this conversation and then refuse to engage - and be prepared to put that into practice.

Manipulative and enjoying your discomfort. He's nasty not 'dear'.

Hes a nasty bastard OP.
I'd be rethinking the relationship and telling him either hes behaves like an adult and tells me what the matter is or were finished.
I couldn't put up with the next how many years of that. Hes trying to control you OP.

I think there's a certain amount of projection being done by those who seem to have had it much worse than me
He doesn't control anything else- money, time or not telling me what he's up to..He doesn't put all responsibility on me for childcare. We do properly 50/50. Maybe even he does slightly more. He does much around the house.
His mum isn't beaten down. She just ignores the sulking- as do we all for FIL.
Honestly apart from this I'm happy with how things generally are. It's just the reaction to things that bother us
I think we do need counselling
I think I need to not blow up
I know he needs to stop sulking- but that's not under my control. All I can do is amend how I react. Maybe he's doing it because he wants me to blow up and him feel in the right. Maybe not. But all I can do is control myself and not allow it to bother me
I'm really grateful for all comments here. There are things I need to do to protect my mind. I will do those and see what happens.
I've given him a pad and a pen and said write down what's bothering you. We shall see...

When he goes off in a grump just ignore it. Don’t follow him about begging to be told what you’ve done wrong. He’s being childish when he does that - would you ask a child in a sulk what you’ve done wrong? Of course not. He can either grow up and articulate his view like an adult human or stay acting like a child and be treated like one:

That's intentional and it's horrible.

You need to toughen up and look after your own interests. Stop trying to pander to someone who is trying to hurt you.

When he strops off, detach. You've done everything 'right and nice' up to that point, you've asked calmly, offered to help. If he can't take you up on that nicely, then more fool him.

Stay calm, get on with your day, he can join you or not. When he next speaks to you, tell him he owes you an apology for his petulant behaviour - you'd offered help, he stropped for no reason, you will not put up with such childishness from an adult (and what sort of example does he think he's setting the DC?). One toddler at a time really is enough to be dealing with.

I don't believe for a second that he has a mental list of things that need doing, that he believes you should know about.

He may be feeling a general sense of stress, of life not being perfectly as he'd like it to be (struggling to adapt to the curtailment of freedom and not being able to put himself first every time that comes with children) and he's looking for ways to take this out on you.

He 'blames' you for his own imperfections - his own disorganisation, inability / unwillngness ot take account of others' needs etc. He is projecting this onto you, by pretending you are the disorganised one.