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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve done nothing wrong?

271 replies

YouDoYou18 · 13/07/2019 11:22

Background - Currently on Maternity leave for my DD, 29 weeks pregnant so will be going onto another Maternity leave straight after

I was talking to a close friend yesterday about how my work has sent over the details for the reward day this year and how I’m sad to be missing it as it sounds really good, she replied with it’s very nice of them to offer considering you won’t be working for them and I simply said they probably do just because I’m still employed, even while on maternity leave.

The reply I got was Eh? You didn’t go back after maternity leave. To which I responded that I’m still on maternity leave and will be rolling into another maternity leave but still employed. The response I got was Fucking hell you work for a fucking good company as I had to be back a year before I could have another baby. I said it was illegal to not allow someone a second maternity leave, it’s just that you have to claim maternity allowance instead of SMP.

She then started questioning what the point in me even being employed was, to which I said holiday, continuous employment on my cv and the ability to go back, at which point she informed me that ‘it’s no surprise you’re not entitled to any benefits’. And has now completely stopped talking to me.

Somewhere in the conversation I appear to have pissed her off but I have no clue when?? I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong in keeping my job, and I’ve not been declaring that I should be entitled to benefits, I’ve just recently been worrying about not being able to get any help with childcare when I do get back.. AIBU?

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 13/07/2019 15:27

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl, well in my view women like this are just making it bad for other women. It's because of this that some companies are not keen to hire young women.

My neighbour started a job knowing she was trying for another child. She got pregnant about 2 months after starting. Sorry but I don't think that is right. Before that she wasn't even working so took a job in order to get some sort of maternity allowance.

Some women are a disgrace to other women

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 13/07/2019 15:31

No, your friend is right. We should stop having babies and let the human race die because being pregnant is unprofessional Hmm

Weezol · 13/07/2019 15:33

And this is what the Patriarchy likes - keep women fighting with each other over scraps so that they don’t start agitating for real equality.

ambereeree · 13/07/2019 15:35

Nothing wrong with what you've done. I went back for a 18 months before taking another mat leave so it's the same really. She's just jealous.

pointythings · 13/07/2019 15:37

Wow. This thread just goes to show that we women are still our own worst enemy...

HolyFuckballsBatman · 13/07/2019 15:38

I've never understood this.

Theoretically can a woman carry continuous pregnancies and have rolling maternity leave whilst keeping their job?

I mean - is there a line? 4+ pregnancies say?

Dorsetdays · 13/07/2019 15:42

Holy. Theoretically there’s no limit no.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 15:43

women like this are just making it bad for other women. It's because of this that some companies are not keen to hire young women

No. Employers make it bad for women. Full stop. Some companies dont want to hire young women because they are sexist and happy to discriminate.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/07/2019 15:44

Having covered for someone who had back to back maternity leave I have little sympathy.

Dorsetdays · 13/07/2019 15:50

Joan, they may not necessarily be happy to discriminate but sometimes when you’re starting a business or trying to withstand a tough economic climate, expenses such as having to pay for replacement cover plus leave, bonus, allowances etc can be a real issue.

Bellsandholly · 13/07/2019 15:50

Some companies dont want to hire young women because they are sexist and happy to discriminate
Because of women like the OP and as a PP said, there’s no limit on how many back to back maternity leave periods you can take because of people that shout discrimination. So of course, employers would rather go with a less risky candidate like an older woman or a man. Can’t blame them really

HolyFuckballsBatman · 13/07/2019 15:50

@Dorsetdays thank you.

See, I don't agree with that at all. There should be protection in a way for the employer if there's no limit.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 15:50

That is not the employees issue though is it?

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 15:51

It's not about the patriarchy ffs.
Keep it fair to everybody and treat everyone the same.

It's bloody unfair on women who have chosen, or can't, have kids and concentrate on their career to have to put up with that kind of nonsense.

percheron67 · 13/07/2019 15:54

JoanMavis - I agree with you that she was not his friend but a (well regarded} employee. However, his word was HIS bond - ought that also to apply to a female? If women are regarded as people who don't keep their word and act in an underhand manner that will undoubtedly make employers very wary! No one, of course, has the right to tell anyone one when they may produce offspring - he would never have considered!

However, your apparent advice to any woman to be underhanded and lie to her employer will put women's rights back not forward. Out of honesty and decency I informed my employer what was happening and kept my word. Therefore, my future employers knew I could be trusted. I am pro women's rights but am adamant that we have to behave fairly in order to ask for as much consideration as a man.

bbcessex · 13/07/2019 15:54

its never true that may leave doesn't 'cost' employers. Employers have to pay holiday pay to you during your leave, which they cannot claim back.

We employed nannies when our DC needed childcare.. we paid over £2000 holiday pay to our nanny when she was on mat leave, whilst having to fund a temp replacement. If she'd have taken a further leave after that, we would have put the DC in nursery and made her redundant.

I think back to back maternity leave takes you out of the workplace culture, OP. Two years is a very long time.

Would you consider your partner taking a chunk of the second leave?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 15:57

It's bloody unfair on women who have chosen, or can't, have kids and concentrate on their career to have to put up with that kind of nonsense

No its not. Youll be telling us its unfair on men next.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 16:04

JoanMavis - I agree with you that she was not his friend but a (well regarded} employee. However, his word was HIS bond - ought that also to apply to a female? If women are regarded as people who don't keep their word and act in an underhand manner that will undoubtedly make employers very wary! No one, of course, has the right to tell anyone one when they may produce offspring - he would never have considered!

His word being his bond means shite all in the workplace. He should have had a contract drawn up like he should for any workplace agreement. Its nothing to do with her being a woman. Its everything to do with "his word is his bond" not being a legal contract.

I never said they should be underhand. They should however do whats best for them. This thread goes to show that your employer likely doesnt give a shiny shit about you. Employee loyalty means nothing these days.

However, your apparent advice to any woman to be underhanded and lie to her employer will put women's rights back not forward. Out of honesty and decency I informed my employer what was happening and kept my word. Therefore, my future employers knew I could be trusted. I am pro women's rights but am adamant that we have to behave fairly in order to ask for as much consideration as a man

What if you'd changed your mind? Does that make you some kind of un trustworthy charleton? Or just a woman who went into motherhood and it didnt turn out as expected?

Future employers wont know anything about your mat leaves unless you tell them (and why would you)

Feelingwalkedover · 13/07/2019 16:09

It will get to the point ( if it hasn’t already ) where employers will not employ women of childbearing age.because of women like the op
Just because you can do something,doesn’t mean you should.

bbcessex · 13/07/2019 16:12

I would love to see men take a more equal role in terms of taking leave to look after young children.

This would go a long way to balance the stigma against 'women of child-bearing age'.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 16:13

Historically pregnant women were sacked. Its not worlds away from that is it?
Employers discriminating against women of childbearing age IS THEIR OWN FAULT. Not the fault of women who dare to have children.

What do you suggest to solve this? Voluntary resignation for all pregnant women? No entitlement to maternity leave?

Or just for employers to suck it up because people can and do have children.

Dorsetdays · 13/07/2019 16:22

Joan. But equally you sometimes have to be careful what you wish for. With every right enshrined in law, employers have no option but to comply.

If an employer knows that an employee exercising xx right legally would be difficult financially etc for their business then common sense says that they will stop employing them to avoid those issues.

And just because something is legal doesn’t mean it sits well with some of us when others choose to exercise their right to it at the detriment of others.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/07/2019 16:25

If an employer knows that an employee exercising xx right legally would be difficult financially etc for their business then common sense says that they will stop employing them to avoid those issues

Yeah, thats still employers discriminating.

Still not other womens fault. Still employers fault.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 16:27

I would love to see men take a more equal role in terms of taking leave to look after young children.

as soon as the men give birth, so need to recover from a 9 month pregnancy, then birth or surgery, and breastfeed we'll get there

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 13/07/2019 16:28

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl
then HOW is it not unfair on women who don't have children then?