To want to return all my ungrateful child's bday gifts

[SpaSushi]

So child's birthday today ( 10) When asked recently about what wanted listed money /vouchers ( to spend on games stuff) and then at a shop begged for particular items of clothing.

sorted out other family members to get the clothes and vouchers. I didn't want to get more money/ vouchers so thought with holidays around the corner i would get tickets for a day at Legoland. We've been once-before many years ago and both children have asked a few times about going back. Winner idea, i thought.

So we lay out all the cards and gifts this evening.
First gift: 'what's this? Paper? My favourite' (sarcastic tone) - its an amazon gift voucher

Second gift- ( clothing item wanted) child ' is this just xxx?'

Third gift (clothing, not a requested item) ' I've already got that exact one from another relative '

Fourth gift ( mine, I'm waiting for happiness to burst forth) 'whats this?' Me: 'read it' ; child reads it ' you've got a gift for you and sibling, not just me'. Me: ' you cant go to Legoland yourself!?' At this point i am so upset, i lose it with child and rant about ungratefulness.

Still has last present from sibling- clothing item specifically requested, opens it and doesn't say anything. No thank you, nothing.

AIBU to want to take the whole lot back?. I am so upset , i get sometimes you get gifts you don't like but all bar two things were asked for. this is just shit attitude. For context child had a meltdown at Xmas over the gifts santa brought- including a requested item and filler items. To cap it off child is now simpering loud crocodile tears in their room and giving me evil looks for telling them off after throwing some surly thank yous at me and sibling.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Do you even like him? You couldn't bear to buy him a present just for him? He probably feels that tbh .

If you'd said you got him an x box and he kicked off because it wasnt a ps4 then that's an issue. Being hurt and upset that your sibling got the same gift is spot on tbh id have been the same.

Legoland many years ago?? Wtf he's 10! Younger sibling?

The presents were rubbish and a family trip is not a present if it's for a sibling aswell. Poor kid.

I think his presents sound a bit rubbish actually.

He’s had nothing decent to unwrap or get excited about.

I’d be pissed off if my main present was a day out with family.

He probably felt under pressure.
I hate opening presents in front of people.

Faking delight at bloody gin flavoured chocolates in the shape of Brussel sprouts......🙄🙄🙄🙄 I would rather have had the tenner.

Hi OP I hope things are calmer for you this morning.

I think I would have checked the present opening at the moment of the first sarcastic comment and said we’ll open the rest later.

To everyone dissing legoland, he had been asking to go again so it’s a good idea, unfortunately by the time he got to it the mood was already in a downwards spiral.

Going forward I would try not to get him too excited about Christmas, make the gifts the least important part of the day, make sure they get excited about gifts they choose for other people and use it to handle expectations and emotions.

You can choose to give the gifts back, you are the parent and have the right to do that.
My son with Asperger’s always used to manage to say something blunt/rude on birthdays - but that was well before the age of 10 as I put a lot of effort in to explaining about gratitude.
In this situation I would remove gifts and keep them until I felt the child was truly contrite. And have a serious conversation with them about poor attitude and respect.
I would however, not have just had vouchers/clothes at the table as they are very dull gifts even when asked for...10 is a hard age to buy for but off the top of my head - a metal detector/basketball and hoop/skateboard/karaoke machine/ice cream maker/bodyboard/Lego kit/Diabolo just something tangible.
I’ve had five children be that age so far, they all liked actual ‘things’ and tbf so do I even if just a little box of chocolates.

If there is nothing else going on behind the scenes ,sounds like they are maybe overtired and suffering what I call "End Of Term Itis!".The last few weeks of term are often a powder keg of falling outs ,cant wait to break up etc .If she is normally polite ,and well behaved I would wait for a few days and have a chat when she is calmer .Maybe the Lego trip is perhaps not just for her, but everyone as she says .No one should be crying on their birthday .So if she is at school today ,just have a quick chat and get ready. If not wait about an hour or so, and see if she would like to go somewhere for breakfast/lunch if she is contrite!.I think Birthdays/Xmas are built up sometimes to a crazy expectation that no body can possibly live up to!

But he got a amazon voucher which is exactly what that is for. The OP doesn’t say how much the voucher was for. For all we know it could be as high as £200.

Yea this is true. It could have been loads of money. However, from what I can make out from the OP the vouchers and clothing were all dished out amongst aunts and uncles and siblings etc. I find it hard to believe any of those items would have been that much.

It sounds like the only thing this child actually got from his parents was the Legoland trip. Everything else was from other members of the family.

For me, the 'main' gift for birthdays, etc, is the one you get from your mum and dad. If it was something that was pricey, was not what was asked for, did not appeal and would be far more suited to a sibling - can sort of see why it was a letdown.

Gaming items are not cheap. I don't think many families agree to splash out £50 per pop (or more!) on new games just randomly, so for a gaming mad child, this would be the opportunity to have the vouchers and money to spend on those games. So I suppose it rather depends on how much the vouchers came to as well. But even if they did amount to a fair whack, I'd still be disappointed that my mum and dad didn't get me the money/vouchers for the games I wanted.

Though better still would have been the actual games! Then you get to open a present rather than an envelope! OP why didn't you ask which games he wanted and buy them? Then he could have had a great time playing actual games on his birthday.

I think the problem is that we all (society) expect children to behave in a certain way that we can't necessarily match ourselves.

Children are allowed to be disappointed if they feel not much thought was put into a gift. And I do think the issue here is lack of thought and not lack of money spent.

How many of the rest of us think it's ok to complain if our DH/DP bought a thoughtless present? Meanwhile children mustn't dare not want a present their parent decided they must like?

There’s is a definitive point when many children realise that although they’ve asked for more grown up and expensive presents (ie money, a trip somewhere, or something physically small like a phone) that also conversely no longer equates to a big colourful pile of boxes and surprises like they may have had at birthdays before. And that they can no longer expect both.

They can’t have it both ways and can look crestfallen at this realisation which is undeniably a very hurtful reaction. As a parent you’re doing your best to make their birthday special and always have and are confronted with a peevish great sulk. Ten onwards coincides with the beginning of all sorts of moments like that as they learn to be gracious A tricky time of new realities for everyone to navigate.

Definitely yes speak to your child op and maybe remove things temporarily to make them reconsider their behaviour if you think it will help. Don’t take it personally though and be firm. Coming out the other side of growing up can be a bumpy ride of lovely moments and rather selfish horrible ones like that unfortunately.

Pre birthday and Christmas around that age I always used to hammer home the message of how a few small expensive presents will actually look and exactly what to expect on the day. It may have taken away the element of surprise a little but at least no one was left hoping for the carnival to arrive when you’ve already blown goodness knows what on something small.

Just don't get them as much for next time, and try to teach him not to be so entitled in the mean time.

my father would have taken it back if I had dared be so ungrateful.

It is ungrateful for the most. Fair enough he can be disappointed but needs to learn not to show it.

With the legoland and same piece of clothing, i would have said to look to swap the clothing and Legoland ticket isn't really a gift. Isn't he a bit past some of the rides given his age? My friend's 9 year old found it not so great as she had at 6. Plus his sibling is going so that's a family treat not a birthday one. If it had been a friend instead maybe he would be grateful.

Just don't get them as much for next time

But the child didn't actually get that much

3 items of clothing

A voucher

and a trip to somewhere he enjoyed many years ago, which he has to share with a sibling.

I do sort of see the point of the trip to Legoland as being a family treat and not specifically a birthday present though.

Punishing your child for telling the truth is wrong.

The Legoland trip does come off as OP wanted to pay for a day out in the holidays and used the child's birthday as an opportunity to not have to buy a present and provide an expensive holiday activity.

If the child's sibling would enjoy this more it is very unreasonable.

You need to talk to your son. Does he feel deflated because he'd requested the wrong things? Or because there weren't any surprises (apart from Legoland)?

With regards to the voucher- did he ask for Amazon vouchers? If he wanted to spend money on Fortnite for example a PSN or X box Live card would have been more handy.
As he's 10, he might have wanted a physical gift card like they sell at the supermarket? Perhaps he's still at an age where a physical game is more appropriate so he can play something new immediately? (Obviously download the updates before his birthday )

We don't know the prices of his clothes. He's 10 so it could be overpriced YouTuber merchandise or something from JD which could easily cost £30 for a child's size hoodie.

My kids had long outgrown Legoland by age 10. They would have enjoyed an amusement park but would have preferred a friend from school rather than their sibling accompanying him. Do you buy trips like this for his sibling's birthday?

When children get punished for showing their feelings it can lead to them learning that they can't ever say no or disappoint people in later life. And leaves them open to abuse in relationships.

When children get punished for showing their feelings it can lead to them learning that they can't ever say no or disappoint people in later life. And leaves them open to abuse in relationships.

And if they never get punished for showing their feelings, it makes them think they can or should go round “expressing” them without a filter. It actually is rude to react like that to a gift. I get why he was disappointed, but you can’t teach him this is okay.

Yes @herculepoirot2 I don't disagree at all that there are appropriate ways of dealing with feelings. But if the OP, by her own admission 'lost it' then expects the child to reign in his feelings, is that not a double standard?

MoominMantra

It probably is, yes. We should model control over our own behaviour to children. “Losing it” isn’t great. But a telling off is fine.

@Sunfull I woudnt even try to get a game for my dcs. I ALWAYS get it wrong (unless the tell me EXACTLY what they want).
Because of that, in our house, games have always been bought by whoever wanted them, with their own pocket money (coming from said b'day or christmas presents!). The dcs only got an Xbox when they wre the Op's dc age and it has never been an issue...

My kids had long outgrown Legoland by age 10

So why has the OP's dc been mnetioning how great Legoland was and how thye would love to go back there?

The issue Im having is that it seems the dc is asking for a ot of things, saying that he really LOVES xxx or really WANTS yyy but at the end of the day, when he acually gets xxx or yyy, then he is disappointed because he doesnt really want any of that?

I’d return.

One of my dc has spouts of being like this and I’ve returned presents in the past. He wouldn’t do the sarcastic “what’s this” (yet ) but hes complained about his cake (wrong icing) and toys before. I returned the toys.

The child basically asked for money / vouchers for gaming bits and the main present ( family trip to Legoland) must have been at least £100 - wasn’t asked for , is too young for the child and they probably looked at it and thought I could have had £100 to spend on games -can’t blame the child for being put out he just needs to learn how to handle disappointment better .

Outgrown legoland by 10?? Bloody hell ive just booked it for this summer ... I’ll probably be starting a similar post in August op - “can I legally leave my child in the car and enjoy legoland myself”