DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

[Willenhallweirdness]

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

how awful. my family is pretty patchwork too and this would never happen. I would have stepped in way before when DD1 got the non-treatment on all these other occasions and I certainly would decline the wedding invitation altogether. The are arseholes, not family (not even to DD2 and DH). what message do you give to DD1 by letting them treat her this way. I wouldn't value their presence in my life at all and decline the wedding invitation.

Of course she should have been invited, and yes she should have been asked to be a flower girl too. I don’t understand their thinking at all! If that was me, I would be doing everything possible to make her feel part of the family.....because she is!

YANBU op. They are utter shits.

your eldest isn’t his niece

Yes she is. She is his Step-Niece. If someone has a brain in their head, a beating heart and a compassionate bone in their body they would get it. What they would actually do is look around them, give a bit of thought for the consequences of their actions and at the very least, fake it till they make it.

I get that people think "blood" trumps all but this is the 21st Century and families come in all shapes and sizes. People need to drop the 17th Century village mentality of sticking together to survive and f@cking get over themselves.

Of course I am projecting. I've put up with "not my blood" and "not family" for a few decades and let me tell you that that person ended up missing out on so many things with their "family" because I didn't put up with that sh!t. I myself have a massive family. We have some new young editions to it that do not share my DNA, nor can I ever offer them a pint of my blood if needed, however I will be DAMNED if I ever consciously treat them different. I have already told my other relatives that these new editions have to be treated exactly the same as everyone else or suffer the fallout. TBH they didn't need telling as my relatives are nice people and not a bunch of selfish tw@ts.

When my nephew met his future dw she already had a daughter from a previous relationship. They had a child together and got married, then had another child. As far as my nephew is concerned he has 3 children and my ds and bil treat the first child exactly the same as their biological grandchildren.
When my niece got married the younger 2 were flower girl and pageboy, whilst the older girl was a bridesmaid!

My nephew has not adopted the older girl, as her father is still on the scene, but she is known by his surname and is his daughter as far as he and the rest of the family are concerned.
She is a lovely girl and is part of our family as much as any of my other nieces and nephews.

Should say *nieces and nephews children.

I actually think the token presents are really poor. There are no stepchildren (yet!) among myself or my siblings, but I cannot imagine gifting the kids in the family any differently simply because they are not blood relations.

I had a relative who was also my godmother, and she used to give very generously to me at birthdays and Christmasses, when my siblings got "token" presents. It caused quite a bit of tension in the family - I felt quite embarrassed opening these gifts in front of my siblings, while they would often make comments to me about being "favourite" behind closed doors.

I think your DH's family are being needlessly petty and I feel sad for both your daughters who are being put in an uncomfortable situation because of it.

Beyond me how anyone would leave a child out in these circumstances...
I was in a blended family too and every child was treated the same no matter what ..

Im sorry for you and your daughter ...

It's not kind to exclude one person from the wedding just like you wouldn't exclude one child from a class party, but with the rest It's not straight forward.

Both of your DDs have a mum and a dad, and two sets of grandparents to buy them presents.

Your DD 1 also has a step mum, a step dad and two sets of step grandparents so presumably gets gifts from them too which DD2 doesn't.

Your DD's situations are not the same and they never will be.

I was in your DD1's position; my DF remarried and had my half siblings. I regularly went there for Christmas and got token gifts from DStepM's parents. Not a problem because I brought my gifts from my mum and family with me.

I think that's all pretty cruel actually. I would see the disparity in gifts as worse than the wedding. pBoth will effect your dd1's self esteem I'm sure.

I would expect your dh to be speaking to his family about treating the girls equally, and send dh to the wedding alone while you do something nice with both girls.

When my cousin got married my dcs were not part of the bridal party & so not invited. 2 out of 3 of sisters dcs were part of the bridal party. Her third was not invited. I don’t really see the difference tbh IF other siblings not part of bridal party aren’t invited either.

Also godparent presents- aren’t they meant to get more generous presents for their own godchildren & tokens for other family members?

Mine get more for Easter/Christmas/birthday from their godparents & it all evens out!

I'm really surprised that so many people think the present disparity is acceptable. They've known her for most of her life - she's part of the family. I can't possibly imagine deliberately choosing a lesser gift for one child in a family unit because of where some of their DNA came from. We have a step-child in our very large extended family. From the very start, he has been treated identically by every single member of the family - same value presents, inclusion in family photos, everything - and that's not just by immediate family, but by cousins, great-aunts and uncles etc. Why would you ever want to make a point about biology where children are concerned?

It also sounds to me as though your BIL's partner realised how awful the disparity was, and made a point of trying to make up for it with a lot of attention and a gift at a later stage. It's a shame she hasn't followed through with a wedding invitation, but she may well have been put under pressure by the rest of the, quite frankly not very nice, family.

I fail to see how anyone could think it would be reasonable to invite some siblings to a wedding and not others. The "bridal party" thing is bullshit. If you want someone to play an important role in your wedding, you invite the rest of their family FFS. It's like bridesmaids or best men who don't get a plus one for their partner. People seem to care more about the bridal party photos than including their family and friends in the day and making important people feel welcome and valued

What @kungfupannda said.

She's either a child of the family or she isn't.

At the moment it appears she isn't.

Your Dh needs to have a word with his family. Tbh the time to do it was years ago. I know a good friend was in a similar situation and told family and friends that he wanted his SD treated as his own from day one - before he got married, before they had more kids. He is now an amazing grandad to his SD kids and has 100% never treated her differently or allowed her be treated differently.
You need a strong word with your Dh.

This is heartbreakingly sad. Your DD should be invited to whatever you/ your other DD are invited to, this has the potential to drive a wedge between your girls in the future if you don’t step in.

Op you've not said at all what your DH thinks of this? Because if he's not said anything that to me would suggest that he's always been ok with your DD being treated differently

Your PILs sound horrible. No presents at Christmas or birthdays? As for the wedding, I’d be livid she wasn’t invited.

Why would you ever want to make a point about biology where children are concerned?

I don't think anyone is making a point about biology. This is about relationships.

My cousins have a step brother. When my cousins married my parents (their uncle and aunt) and I were all invited. When the step brother married of course we weren't (his own uncles/aunts/cousins from both sides were). Yet when I got married my aunt tried to pressure me into inviting him as they were all equally her children. Well, sure, but it wasn't about how she saw her children as equals, it was about the fact that I have an ongoing relationship with my cousins that I don't have with my step-cousin.

Relationships go two ways. Unless the op is treating his family as if they are related to her DD all the time (i.e. does she tell them about DD the way she would an uncle, invite them to all events an uncle would be invited to etc), it's a bit much to expect it the other way round when it suits.

I also think 'child-free except for bridal party' is incredibly rude. It has never been ok to pick and choose the children out of families you want to attend, but that's a seperate issue unrelated to the family setup.

Regarding things like gifts , well DD1 has a father and grandparents - presumably they give her gifts but don't give to her sister ? If so, they are about equal in the gifts department.

Re the flower girl situation, well as you say, DD1 was bridesmaid in the exact same situation a couple of years ago , and the rest of you were not invited ( including ,presumably, DD2) . So maybe you could explain to DD1 "remember when you were bridesmaid for X? Well its like that except this time DD2 is bridesmaid like you were"

I know it seems unfair but blended family situations are sometimes tricky as I know from experience. .

YANBU, OP. I wouldn’t let either of your daughters go. It seems like they don’t see you as a whole family of four if they can just exclude one of your children. I also find it really sad as other posters have said.

Regarding things like gifts , well DD1 has a father and grandparents - presumably they give her gifts but don't give to her sister ? If so, they are about equal in the gifts department

But the OPs younger child isn’t part of her ex’s family, it’s not the same in any way.

But the OPs younger child isn’t part of her ex’s family, it’s not the same in any way.

I can't follow that reasoning. Eldest gets presents from her own mother and her own father, younger gets presents from her own mother and her own father. Both of my daughters' partners have children from previous marriages, I have zero interest in them and it would never occur to me to buy them a present beyond an Amazon gift voucher. The situation hasn't been complicated by another child, in either case, but I don't think I'd be able to prevent myself feeling differently about a grandchild.

But the OPs younger child isn’t part of her ex’s family, it’s not the same in any way.

When my now adult sd was younger we bought gifts for her little sister and took her on days out where appropriate (the zoo for example). So I don’t think that’s entirely true.

What’s sauce for the goose and all that!

I think the problem with this sort of situation is that two halves don’t equate to a whole: DD1 seems to be “half family” in two places, but not totally integrated into any one. And that must, objectively speaking, be hard for a child of that age.

OP - your SIL to be sounds nice and she’s obviously made a bit of time for your elder daughter. Could you approach her and chat generally about the situation and your worries for DD1? It may be that they simply haven’t thought about things from your angle and may have the view that DD1 is more included by her dad’s side than she actually is. A general chat about the whole situation may yield better results than a showdown about the wedding.

Child free wedding is fair enough. DD2 as a flower girl but not DD1 I can understand but don’t agree with. Not inviting DD1 is a deal breaker for me and in no way equates to the other wedding you referred to.
I’m not a confrontational person but I would have to take a stand in your position - I would not be attending the wedding without DD1.
I think you need to make it very clear that things need to change. I wouldn’t expect them to be equal (though that would be best) but I would expect DD1 to be treated with kindness. So if DD2 gets a present at Christmas then DD1 should too (at a stretch maybe of lesser value) and I would be withdrawing my family unit from the events where DD1 is excluded or treated differently. Hopefully your DP will support but I would be vastly reducing contact for the sake of DD1 and family harmony.