Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

329 replies

Willenhallweirdness · 10/07/2019 17:33

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

OP posts:
user1485851222 · 11/07/2019 17:49

My husband took my son on when he was 9. He's his dad in every way, my son doesn't see his biological dad. My husbands family never treated my son as a grandchild, nephew or cousin. My husband changed his interaction with his family in the end, not because I said anything about it, but because he noticed it himself.

Teachermaths · 11/07/2019 17:51

I'm really surprised that so many people think the present disparity is acceptable. They've known her for most of her life - she's part of the family. I can't possibly imagine deliberately choosing a lesser gift for one child in a family unit because of where some of their DNA came from.

Does DD2 get presents from dd1s dad's family? I doubt it.

The present disparity is fine because dd1 gets her own presents from her dad's side. It would be different if she had no relationship with her dad. Why should dd1 get 3 sets of presents? (mums side, dad's side and step dad's side) when dd2 only gets 2? (mums side and dad's side)

katienana · 11/07/2019 17:56

I think they are pretty mean. My husband has quite a small family so family get togethers always include his 2 cousins and their kids. We buy xmas gifts for them all including cousins stepson, same £ spent on everyone. He came to my wedding would not have dreamed of not including him.

alistairric2 · 11/07/2019 17:57

I am disgusted at the way your daughter is treated. I have six grandkids, 3 of them are, technically, step grandchildren. I treat them all the same. They get presents of roughly the same value as the naturals. They are all part of the family and should be treated equally.

katienana · 11/07/2019 17:59

Dd1 should get 3 sets of presents because she has to grow up without her parents living together and even in the best situation that must be difficult. Why can't people just be kind?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 11/07/2019 18:00

I'm confused! How is this worse/different than dd2 not getting invited to the one where dd1 was a bridesmaid?? Isn't that the same thing?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 11/07/2019 18:05

I'm not saying either is right... I just think both are less than ideal.

Dadadadadaa · 11/07/2019 18:10

Well this is just horrible. I can't imagine a child coming into my family in the way that you describe and her being treated differently to any other child in the family. And in actual fact this has happened in my brother-in-law's family and that particular little girl is treated exactly the same as all the blood-related children even though she didn't come onto the scene until she was 5 years old. She is invited to everything, bought equivalent presents to the other children and is very much treated as a member of the family.

This is just very sad for both you and your dd. I don't really know what to advise but just wanted you to know that I don't think that YABU at all and I would be very hurt in your position.

Wasafatmum42 · 11/07/2019 18:11

I would tell my husband to speak to his family children don't say these but it doesn't say they are blind either this conversation needs to be had better now than a few years down the line , I had a similar situation when my sister treated my kids differently she switched when the younger one was born the older got sweet FA and the younger got everything and we had the conversation and now none of my kids get anything my point is IT BUILDS ANIMOSITY BETWEEN THE KIDS down the line and trust me it does

ittakes2 · 11/07/2019 18:18

I think your hubby should be stepping up - if he sees your daughter as his own than he should be insulted she is not included. He’s not saying anything so there is your problem. By the way - our family is littered with non biological grandchildren and nieces and nephews but every single one of them is treated as family.

Whoops75 · 11/07/2019 18:22

I think you’re holding your husbands family to s higher standard than her dads.
Ex’s gamy make nothing of dd2
So you want dd1 to have her dads family plus ye and dh’s family.
Therefore making dd2 the poor relation!’

You’re over thinking it.
Let the bride & groom enjoy the day and don’t make it about this.
You can address the present issue at Christmas.

fitwell · 11/07/2019 18:27

My brother married and his wife had a child same age as my son, we never saw her in any way other than as family , they had two more children , no differentiation whatsoever , think you have to be hard hearted to treat a child this way

Rtruth · 11/07/2019 18:27

Hmmm why isn’t your husband saying anything?

beckywiththecraphair · 11/07/2019 18:34

Oh this is a yuck situation for everyone, I'm so sorry that your DD has been left out and I hope she doesn't feel left out. This is a really shitty thing to do to sisters - I completely get that your DP's brother wants your other daughter there but in all honesty I would tell them that either both girls go or neither go. A 5 year old isn't going to be majorly affected by not going to a wedding but it could cause serious distress for a 9 year old or cause upset at home if she thinks her sister is valued more than her.

Unless you can talk to your 9 year old and ask if she would mind not going? You know your child better than anyone and it may be that because she got to be a bridesmaid before that she wouldn't begrudge her sister the chance to be in a wedding and she could go to her Dad's that day.

Your third option is to let your 5 year old be a flowergirl but come straight home after the ceremony explaining that you don't feel comfortable staying at a wedding when your other daughter was left out which is what I'd probably do but I am a stubborn creature

RiftGibbon · 11/07/2019 18:35

I can't understand why people think blended families are difficult. You're a family so you should be treated like one.
I've got step-nieces and nephews and we treat them like members of our own family. When we first met them, we got token gifts but as the relationship cemented itself (between their parent and 'our' family member) we considered them to be part of our family and have treated them as such.

BenWillbondsPants · 11/07/2019 18:36

If I live to be a hundred, I will never understand why some people treat a child like this.

I have a step son, he's in his twenties now, but was 1 when his dad and I got together. Every member of my family treated him as a member of the family, because he is a member of the family - his dad and I are married so we're all family. Maybe not in the traditional sense but family none the less. His step dad and his family are exactly the same.

When DH and I had two more children ourselves, nothing changed, he was still treated the same and called my mum and dad nan and grandad (I did speak to his mum about this to make sure she was happy with this, she's a lovely woman). When he was little, DSD used to say that he was lucky to have 8 grandparents.

I think you need to stand up for your little daughter in this respect, I think it's so unfair on her.

Whoops75 · 11/07/2019 18:38

You’ve had 5 yrs to address this.
This is not the time.

I think you stand to make things much worse if you challenge this now.
Let dd1 off to her dads and go to the wedding.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 11/07/2019 18:38

I'd have said that DD2 won't be being a flower girl either then. It's not the same situation as your ex's wedding invite as he isn't the resident parent and they didn't invite another child of his and not DD1. I hate this shit. My two DC have different dads but are treated totally the same by mine and DHs families, and ex has offered to take DS (not his) when DD (his) goes for visits once he's a bit older! I understand this isn't the norm but it wouldn't kill people to treat your DC equally!

LillithsFamiliar · 11/07/2019 18:39

The comparison isn't really with step-mother's family invites. It's if DD2 gets invited to DD1's DH's family events and I'd hazard a guess that she doesn't.

Whoops75 · 11/07/2019 18:45

Each child has a dad unique to them with different cousins, aunts etc
They live with one dad but that shouldn’t make him more accountable than the absent father.
They share you and your family.

Sounds pretty equal to me.

BBOA · 11/07/2019 18:46

How awful for your daughter and what an unpleasant bunch of people. When you marry someone with kids you take on their family too. All kids should be treated the same. Have friends where this isn't the case.... The DH only buys his biological child stuff and she has to pay for everything for children from previous marriage. Just think this appalling and the DH should be reading his dam the riot act... a complete dick for not.

SunshineCake · 11/07/2019 18:47

Your husband has accepted her as his child so his family have too. My own parents never accepted me as their child so I know how shit it feels. Time to make a stand. I'd refuse to allow your younger child to be used a a cute prop for the bride and groom.

And whoever said okay to get dd1 a smaller gift. No it isn't.

LettuceBeFree · 11/07/2019 18:52

Yeah I think both girls should be flower girls - at the age of 9, DD1 is bound to notice the fact that she was excluded. They should both ideally be made flower girls as it's not a big ask to have an extra flower girl, esp as there's no personal hatred/issues with her.

category12 · 11/07/2019 18:53

They live with one dad but that shouldn’t make him more accountable than the absent father.

Yes, it should. Living with a child means as an adult you have a huge effect on their lives and happiness. They live in the same house, they're a family. Stepdad is with them 24/7, he has a huge responsibility to make everyone feel included.

Awrite · 11/07/2019 18:56

No brainer for me - I wouldn't be going. Neither would dd2.

You have to stop this unequal treatment of your dd's. Your job is to stick up for them. If you don't - who will?