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Original poster

DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

329 replies

Willenhallweirdness · 10/07/2019 17:33

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2019 20:59

I can totally see the the logic. Dd1 did x dd2 gets to do y. But the situations are not comparable as you all live together as a family.

Nicolastuffedone · 10/07/2019 21:49

Tbh, I couldn’t sit back and see my child being treated like this. This makes for very sad reading. Poor wee soul, I’d have wiped the floor with them over the gift giving and their wedding......

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2019 21:58

She's a 9 year-old child!

She is a permanent part of the whole family!

I think the treatment she receives is awful.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 22:02

Again, not one single poster seems to care about the five year old in this scenario.

Sometimes MN really does think less of the children who aren't from first relationships, as though they're to blame for their parents meeting and procreating!

Aquilla · 10/07/2019 22:02

This is very sad. I am your daughter as an adult and the worse thing is I never feel truly at home in any of my parents' houses.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/07/2019 22:10

Reading your OP makes me feel so sorry for your DD. What awful people they are. Regardless of how they feel about her being biologically related or not, why would they treat her like that. Personally I'd hit the roof re most of what you'd put there, re birthdays and Christmas's.

pallisers · 10/07/2019 22:11

Again, not one single poster seems to care about the five year old in this scenario.

Actually I think it does no favours to the 5 year old to have her see her sister being treated as less than or other than her in a family. It is in the 5 year old's interests too to realise that her mum and dad and sister and her are all important and all support each other.

And if they were full sisters, no one would think it ok to invite one to be flower girl and leave the other at home because the 5 year old deserves her day out.

Let's be real here - the child growing up in a home with both mum and dad, no navigating different houses, different families and indifferent extended family, isn't at a disadvantage. The idea that a couple of presents from step families gives some sort of huge advantage to the step child is just silly.

My guess is that the DH's family genuinely don't see what they are doing wrong and if dh talked to them, they might understand better. With the step nephews and nieces in our family it took us a while to realise that these were regarded by BIL as his family so now they were our family too. It was easier to do so because MIL set the tone from the start - absolute inclusion. Yes they do have another life with their dad, extra holidays, probably extra people giving them presents but so what? They also have an extra layer of baggage to deal with.

Obi73 · 10/07/2019 22:23

What a thoughtless and insensitive bunch. Sadly, that’s how they are and you can’t change them.

Cornishclio · 10/07/2019 22:29

Blended families are difficult and I can see that this situation is not cut and dried. 9 is too old to be a flower girl so you could say that she is too old and as the wedding is child free she will be going to her Dads. Presumably your DD1 gets gifts from your exes' family and they don't buy for DD2? I think it is unkind of your DHs family to not get a gift for your DD1 if they are also buying for DD2 and they know DD1 will be there too. Your DH should say something to them.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 22:31

@pallisers don't be hyperbolic. Nobody said extra presents equate to a huge advantage.

And if they were full sisters, no one would think it ok to invite one to be flower girl and leave the other at home because the 5 year old deserves her day out.

And older dd probably wouldn't have already had a turn at being a flower girl without younger dd.

If older dd was so young when her parents split then this is her normal. So there isn't necessarily a lot of baggage. It sounds like she's well loved and well treated across the board, weddings aside.

People on here are being so dramatic, it's unnecessary and unhelpful, IMO.

It's one wedding. It can be explained to older dd as her having had her turn at Uncle X's wedding, and younger dd having her turn at Uncle Y's wedding. Problem solved.

Again, OP has said that dd receives presents at Christmas when she's with DH's family, and that she got birthday cards when they were included in her birthday. So what's the big deal??

harriethoyle · 10/07/2019 22:32

This is so sad and, as someone who had a childfree wedding save for my siblings children, not justifiable. The only alternative is that DH and dd2 go and you give dd1 a lush weekend away. But I would be limiting contact going forward. Kick one of us, we all limp.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 22:41

What if wedding falls on dd1's dad's weekend? Should OP stay at home alone?

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 22:46

I think she should stay at home IvanaPee to get the point across that she absolutely won’t let her DD be treated so badly. I would go even further and say if one DD is excluded then the other one will also not be attending.

I feel so sorry for your DD OP. It must be so upsetting for her to realise that she doesn’t really fit with either side of her family. How cruel to exclude her like that.

pallisers · 10/07/2019 22:50

Gosh, Ivana, did you think I was being hyperbolic?

See I would see this as hyperbolic - or at least trying to hint at a huge advantage:

Who cares that she has to see dd1's photos in her finery, or wave her off on holidays that she doesn't get to go on. Or watch as dd1 comes home from her father's with piles of presents that she didn't get.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 22:56

It's not hyperbolic at all since we know for sure that at least two of those things happen, and it's quite likely that the third does, too.

Again, I'm not hinting at a huge advantage. I'm saying that dd2 deserves to have some things that are just hers. Regardless of biology.

Not one single poster here seems to care about a five year old in this. I find that truly bizarre.

MindfulBear · 10/07/2019 23:25

Can you just say DD2 will not attend the wedding? As it is child free it would be tedious for her and for you so you will leave both girls behind?
Of course if both of them can be flower girls then that's different.

She lives in your home with your husband and I would expect him to treat her like his own daughter. Therefore he needs to ask his family too.

Otherwise she will grow into a teen that feels like she doesn't belong anywhere and no one wants her.

Poor kid. How awful. This needs to be sorted double quickly well before she turns into a teen.

babyyoucanwarmmyhouse · 10/07/2019 23:28

This seems alien to me.
I have a 9 year old stepson, a 4 year old and a baby.
My parents are my stepsons grandparents (DHs parents are useless- another story) and have never once treated him any different to his younger siblings.
In fact my entire extended family treat him the same. He gets birthday and Xmas presents from them all (my grandparents, aunties & uncles etc)

My sister wouldn't dream of not inviting him to her wedding and inviting his siblings. And if it was mums time (wouldn't be as we have every weekend) we would swap so he was with us.

She's just a child, I don't get why you would make a point of making out she's not the same.

babyyoucanwarmmyhouse · 10/07/2019 23:29

Side note-
If any of my family invited us to an occasion but said stepson wasn't invited- none of us would go. We're a package deal

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2019 23:47

Difficult situation. All those saying DD1 should be treated the same, what would happen if the OP and her DH were to split up? Would she still give him access would she let his wider have contact?
And how exactly is DD2 supposed to feel if her DS gets the same amount of presents from stepdads family plus another lot from her dads family ( and applying the same logic) her step mums family.

EleanorOalike · 11/07/2019 00:03

My thought is that when DH married you, he also took DD1 into the family and she should be treated as completely equal to DD2.

I had this with in-laws of my half sibling as a child but it was made worse by the fact that I am mixed race and my sibling’s father was white and they couldn’t have brown skinned in laws like me and my father (sibling’s step dad) ruining the wedding photos. It did me a lot of damage, being treated like a dirty secret that should be hidden away
always being treated like a second class citizen.

I’d hate for your daughters to go through this and for their to be a divide between them.

I think in this case, as you are not a blood relative to the groom either, you should decline the invite and spend the day with dd1 and use this as an opportunity to say that you don’t want your children to be hurt and that it didn’t sit right with you that DD1 wasn’t invited to the wedding as your children are equal and you couldn’t have one family member, particularly not a child, excluded but you didn’t want to deprive DD2 of the opportunity to be a flower girl so, as it seems to be based on DD1 not being a blood relative and you are not either you thought it best to stay at home with DD1 and not have her feeling like the only one who was excluded. Point out that it could have caused a lot of hurt for two innocent children and that it’s important going forward that the four of you are seen as an equal family unit and that DD1 is not treated as a second class citizen.

I don’t see the present thing as an issue as DD1 will be getting gifts from her own father’s family too.

pallisers · 11/07/2019 02:41

Not one single poster here seems to care about a five year old in this. I find that truly bizarre.

Not one single poster on here has wondered if dd2 will ask why her sister isn't at the wedding and worry about what answer will be given. I find that truly bizarre.

This is not about "not caring for dd2" this is about not being parsimonious with love and kindness. There isn't a finite amount of love and generosity and kindness. It can actually extend to everyone. It doesn't have to have a hard border that stops at a step child - unless you want it to be that way.

DD2 is NOT being cared for if she is stuck in a situation where she is favoured and her sister isn't. This will be bad for her too.

Knittinglikemad · 11/07/2019 04:18

I really feel for you, I am married to my second husband, but his family all treat my girls as part of the family, they all get equal presents for birthdays & Christmas as his daughter does. My family ( DM) treats his daughter as a grandchild & her kids as great grandchildren. We both refer to having 4 girls if anyone asks us how many kids we have.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/07/2019 04:25

I would give your dh the choice of declining the flowergirl position, or just saying you will stay home with Dd1. I think her not being invited is crossing a line they have been standing very close to. I think it's time to stop having Dd1 at DHS family events.

Tsubasa1 · 11/07/2019 05:10

She should at least have been invited to the wedding!

MsHopey · 11/07/2019 05:11

Not read the full thread.
But my DM married my first stepdad when I was around 5, but they had been together as long as I could remember. I don't think his family ever treated me like family, I didn't get presents and cards like my sister (their biological family member) did, I don't think it bothered me.
I had my dad and all my dads side, they took me to the beach, or got me presents, or took me to pantomimes at the theatre.
It evens out eventually. They were married for a while and split up when I was 10ish, I only saw him occasionally when he picked my sister up for visits and he never asked how I was.
I'm just saying, maybe they don't want to get too emotionally invested in someone they would have nothing to do with and no rights if you and your DH split tomorrow.
It would be a concern for me.

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