DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

[Willenhallweirdness]

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

Her DD1 was a bridesmaid to her uncle and DD2 didn’t go.

But dd2 isn't in a familial relationship with her sister's father. Presumably, she doesn't stay with him, visit him, know his wife, go on holidays with him, spend christmas with him, think of him as a parental figure. DD1 is in a familial relationship with her step dad. She lives with him she spends holidays with him, she is part of his family (or should be). It is baffling that the dh's family don't see this and still see her as an outsider.

No one is saying they are monsters or heinous etc. but it is unkind and I could see it being very damaging to know that a family you spend a great deal of time with (and a 9 year old generally has little choice) don't actually see you as family at all.

Maybe it truly is a childfree wedding though as Artichoke described - so no other nieces or nephews are going either. That would be easier to explain.

You say that DD1's dad is decent? Are his parents also decent? If so perhaps your in-laws factor this in to their decisions? Perhaps they assume DD1 gets good gifts and other opportunities from her dad's family and doesn't need them as much.
Obviously it's better for DD1 to see her dad regularly, if she didn't and spent all of her time with you and your in-laws they might behave differently towards her.
I think you can turn this flower girl invitation down, be honest and explain why.

I entirely understand the token presents. DC have different wider families on their fathers' sides. It's nice to acknowledge their step siblings, but it's wrong to expect wider families to treat the children identically (e.g. would people argue that the OP's Mother/Father in Law change their will so that both grandchildren inherit the same? Would there be an expectation that her ex's family also gives gifts identically?)

I also understand having one child in the wedding party and not the other.

Where I think they're being ridiculous is having a 'no children except the wedding party' approach. If they want a child free wedding then they should have a child free wedding. Don't have a child free wedding except the kids who you think will look cute in your photographs. It's mindless vanity that places the image of a perfect wedding party above the feelings of children and it's really unpleasant and nasty.

I don't think the gift thing is that bad. Presumably dd1 gets presents from her other grandparents who dd2 doesn't get anything from. I wouldn't expect them to be treated the same. Dd1 has another family on her dad's side. Why should dd1 get 3 lots of presents?

The wedding however is pretty awkward. I'd have asked both girls out of politeness. OP you said in your post there was a similar situation on dd1s side and dd2 wasn't invited. Perhaps this can help clarify your thoughts.

I would decline the invite full stop. I wouldn't let dd2 be flower girl etc

I am part of a blended family and if my siblings did this I would not allow my DD to be flower girl. I wouldn’t attend at all.

"Where I think they're being ridiculous is having a 'no children except the wedding party' approach. If they want a child free wedding then they should have a child free wedding. Don't have a child free wedding except the kids who you think will look cute in your photographs. It's mindless vanity that places the image of a perfect wedding party above the feelings of children and it's really unpleasant and nasty."

Yep

Not what a wedding is about in my world

It doesn’t just stop with the event does it? Pictures of DD2 in her finery on display, remember when re wedding conversations ? For years to come - it’s a ‘thousand cuts’ situation, Thanks but no thanks we are all family, all in or all out, all occasions. I would tell current and ex-husband it’s on them to actively advocate for DD1 and make sure she is not managed out every time. Just out of interest will they not regard themselves as eligible to attend DD1’s wedding should she have one ? Horrible divisive behaviour imho . Maybe invite just one Grandparent and one of the newly weds to Christmas - see how they feel about it . It’s one thing to understand your personal family history, but discriminating against children for that - despicable of the adults.

Leaving aside the issue of a child free wedding which actually isn't! I wouldn't let people treat my dc like this. I would either find a babysitter and just go with DH or if I couldn't just send DH.

Please get your husband to speak to his family, maybe in a nice way to make them understand how hurtful this could be for your daughter, being the only one not invited, this sort of thing could really affect her longterm xx

Going against the grain here but .... I can understand why she only gets token presents and isn't flower girl I think that's fair enough. What isn't right is the no invite to the wedding at all because she is part of the family of the bridal party So I think that's wrong. Personally I would say her dads away that weekend and if she can't go you can't go

As a mum in a similar situation in my DP is a step dad to my eldest. Personally I wouldn’t let my youngest be flower girl and explain that my eldest would be too upset as she won’t see herself as family.

I would also mention to your in-laws about their treatment towards your eldest. Both my daughters are treated equally by my in-laws (and we aren’t even married). We are a family unit and I come with a child who is part of our family. If you don’t accept her and treat her family you don’t see us. Luckily I haven’t had to do that but that’s how I would have seen it. I think you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband. Good luck

I would not allow my dd to be treated this way and I'd have doubts about a partner who allowed her to be treated this way either

I've got a step niece. When I got married she was my bridesmaid. I don't call her my step niece, she's my niece and I'm her aunty, exactly the same as her brother and sister. They all get treated exactly the same .

I wouldn't go to the wedding and DD2 wouldn't be being flower girl. No way would I allow my daughter to be treated like that.

I think it's a bit mean the amount of adults on here just suggesting that a five year old girl should be let down and disappointed, like her feelings don't matter.

Who cares if she's upset, right? Who cares that she has to see dd1's photos in her finery, or wave her off on holidays that she doesn't get to go on. Or watch as dd1 comes home from her father's with piles of presents that she didn't get.

Why is dd2 expected to miss out on things but dd1 isn't? Surely it's better to just explain to both girls that they'll have different opportunities at different times?

The bottom line is that invited 3 people out of 4 in the family unit. That would be a “no” in any other situation, not sure why people try to excuse in this instance:

I was the daughter in this scenario. My stepdad's brother got married and, at age 9, I was the only one not invited. My brother and sister (my step dads natural children) were pageboy and flower girl. I remember being excited and assuming I would be a bridesmaid too. I remember how it felt understanding that not only was I not a bridesmaid, I was not even invited.

It makes me angry that my stepdad (who always claims to everyone I'm just his daughter, not step daughter) allowed the dysfunctional FOG of his family to treat me like this. It still hurts that my mum allowed me to be sidelined.

Fuckers got divorced a year later. Twats.

THEY invited

pallsters I wasn’t suggesting thar DD1 was a similar in anyway. It was simply something Op could use to justify DD2 going - both her daughters will have been bridesmaids whilst the other wasn’t invited.

I don’t think the present scenario sounds nice but the wedding is just down to the planning . Maybe it’s adult bridesmaids and a young flower girl. It’s not a royal wedding with lots of people waltzing down the aisle. Having said that I’ve no idea why you’d want a child free wedding but children in your bridal party.

Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

It sounds more to me as though they just haven't thought of it at all. Speak to the SIL-to-be, nicely and apologetically, and explain that your eldest often feels like a spare part. Stress that naturally you would never ask that she be a bridesmaid, as she's not related, but could she be regarded as a child of the family, and therefore allowed to attend? It would upset her very much to feel that she's not seen as family, too.

Honestly, I can't imagine someone who has been that kind to her - and who must like her, because she'd not bother otherwise - would want to do this if she'd had a moment to reflect. It is hurtful.

DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

Not parallel. At all. She's living as part of your DH's family. Your younger child is not doing so with your ex's! And nor are you asking for her to be a bridesmaid; just invited.

last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

I'd raise this and say how upsetting it was for her, and that you want to avoid both sides effectively making her feel like Cinderella, never at the ball. I'd also say that you recognise that it's not an issue anyone else is aware of because they have busy lives, and the assumption is that the other side includes her. But that's not actually happened, so it would mean a lot if the new SIL could.

I definitely think it would also be worth offering to pay for her meal etc if she goes, as you appreciate budgets are so tight with weddings and you don't want someone else not to be asked to accommodate this. Just that if at all possible, her attendance as a member of the family is a gesture that would mean the world.

@AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson - that divorce sounds like karma to me!

You don't say what your DH thinks of all this. Basically does he see her are an essential part of his family ? In which case he needs to stand up for her.
They may be nice people but this is actually a thought out policy.. OK to give this little girl we've known since she's three cheap token gifts but much nicer gifts to cute baby sister because she is more important to us than DD1 .. that is not fair and potentially scarring.
Children should be treated equally. Particularly at Christmas and in public.
As to the wedding, are you a family of four or not..? Tell your sister in law how you feel. Its her wedding, but its your choice to go to a family event that your DD1 has been explicity excluded from. and tell them how it is - don't use the no childcare excuse.
If you do nothing, say nothing now and let them proceed with this.. think how much heartbreak and exclusion your DD1 will have to suffer and what damage it will do to their sibling relationship for one child to see the other as constantly the favourite over the years. It doesn't matter what your ex does. She lives with you.

I think you're in a difficult situation. Your DH's family probably do think it's equivalent to your Ex's family's weddings. they don't live with your DD1 and may not think of her much differently than your Ex's siblings think of DD2. Your DH will hopefully have a very different view of her, but if he hasn't spoken to his family about the gifts so far, maybe not?

I do think you're letting your Ex off a bit lightly in this analysis. Your DD1 has a half-sister whom her dad seems to barely acknowledge, yet it's your DH's family you're upset with.

My children are the same - DD with my ex, and 4 years later DS with my now DH. The first Christmas we spent with my now inlaws, they bought my DD token presents, as did other family members. Once we were married, they treated her exactly the same as our nieces and later my son. My inlaws aren't always great but they've been fair and reasonable in this respect. I'm surprised to hear some families treat their step relatives so differently, must make special occasions very difficult.

My DD is lucky enough to have been bridesmaid at 4 weddings - mine and DH, my ex and his now wife, my ex's Mum (she was widowed) and my current SIL. She treated DD exactly the same as her other nieces, none of them would dream of making her feel different or left out. Like the OPs in laws, DD has been part of my husband's family since she was 3, so sees them as her Grandparents, Aunties / Uncles, Cousins the same as my own family and my ex's family.

No partner would ever be worth enough to me to make my daughter feel excluded like this.

Horrible situation. I know it’s not your partners fault, but his family are awful.