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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

329 replies

Willenhallweirdness · 10/07/2019 17:33

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

OP posts:

NoNewsisGood · 11/07/2019 19:00

This is just awful. If you are considered part of the family (thru marriage) then so is she.

Poor kid. This is really going to hurt her and screw her up.

Blended families can be difficult - on the children! - the adults however are adults and should behave as such and set good examples. I mean, really, if your husband formally adopted her, then what? She's not part of the family? What if all adopted children were treated as such? There really is no difference.

amispeakingenglish · 11/07/2019 19:01

My niece bought a boyfriend none of the rest of the family knew or had met to my mothers funeral. I was horrified. He seemed nice but I think funerals should be for immediate family and private affairs. My Dad was too polite and upset to say anything, not of interest to him. I think it was really bad manners, same as other members of family posting gds death on FB!!! Please..........both still annoy me.

Exhaustedpanda · 11/07/2019 19:02

So I myself have a step father. He has never treated me any differently to his actual daughters. My children (still quite young) do not even know the difference between him not being biologically their grandad as they are treated as if they are. In fact all his family, sister etc have always treated me the same. They always by my daughters Xmas and birthday gifts and technically they are not related. It’s really sad that your DD1 is not being treated the same. Can you not ask your DH to speak to them about this?

Witchend · 11/07/2019 19:02

A 5 year old isn't going to be majorly affected by not going to a wedding

Really? If the 5yo finds out that she was asked to be a flower girl and refused because of her sister (who had been a bridesmaid before) that's not going to cause serious issues?
I was a bridesmaid for my uncle at 5yo. I remember how excited I was. 5yo girls play being bridesmaids/flower girls (well mine did at that age, and I spoke to a 4yo who was playing being a bridesmaid today)

Your said your ex is reasonable. Have a quiet word with him and ask him to do weekends so she's with him, and if she says anything about not being a flower girl you can respond with "Well you were two years ago and dd2 wasn't, and now it's her turn. Isn't it nice you've both had a turn now? Can you remember what your dress was like?" Unless you make a bigger issue then you can present it like that.

It's very easy to dismiss the younger one was "too young to mind" and think the older one will feel left out in similar situations. I think at 3yo she probably was old enough to realise her sister was doing something fun without her.
Equally well, I think a 9yo is old enough to understand that sometimes her sister will get to do things she would like to do. If you put it as above then she should be old enough to understand that, and if she's at her dad's for the weekend, then she won't even know she wasn't invited.

katewhinesalot · 11/07/2019 19:09

If they are decent people then your Dh should speak to them and get them to understand how your dd will feel. Explain that she sees them as her family and she will feel hurt.

It's up to your DH to sort this one.

EngiNerd · 11/07/2019 19:15

My heart is breaking for your DD1! She's being left out by both sides of her family! I can't even imagine out unwanted she feels by this. Your in-laws treatment of her is atrocious. Does your DH not treat her as one of her own? Why isn't anyone standing up for her?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 11/07/2019 19:31

The whole blended family thing can be difficult to balance. And yes it's quite possible that dd1 may get presents/go to events with paternal grandparents, and dd2 may with her paternal grandparents.

My feeling is that the ADULTS who have contact with the kids excercise tact, and don't make obvious differentiations between the children. Like, if you're spending Christmas as a family with one set of GPs, treat the kids the same! How hard is it just to be a bit thoughtful just so kids don't feel left out?

With my family (parents/siblings), I insist my DD and DSD are treated equally, because I don't want the whole 'first family Vs second family' thing going on. Both are my family. However, I am aware that DSD gets lots of things DD won't as she has relatives that won't see her as part of the family. That's fine, that's up to them. But if they ever did something to differentiate between the two girls, in front of the two girls, that would be unacceptable to me.

LovelyIssues · 11/07/2019 19:33

I feel so sorry for your DD and as she gets older believe me she will definitely start noticing she is treated differently. Your partner needs to speak to his family and nip it in the bud asap

IvanaPee · 11/07/2019 19:35

@Witchend a good and sensible post.

There’s a lot of melodrama on the thread which is of no benefit to anyone.

Though it looks like @Willenhallweirdness has disappeared regardless!

chocatoo · 11/07/2019 19:48

What does you daughter call your husbands parents? Because if it is Grandma/same as your younger daughter calls them, then they should treat both daughters like a Grandma would - the same! Your DH needs to tell them to step up. Buying token presents is horrible.

DishingOutDone · 11/07/2019 19:59

Have we lost the OP again?

perfectstorm · 11/07/2019 20:12

I think you’re holding your husbands family to s higher standard than her dads.

The ex's family do include OP's DD. It's the step-families on both dies who treat her as an outsider. OP has no control over her ex-partner's spouse. She has no say in what her family choose to do. She does have a say in what her husband's family say and do. So of course she's holding them to a higher standard - she's got no say in the standard elsewhere.

perfectstorm · 11/07/2019 20:12

*both sides, sorry.

Turnitaroundagain · 11/07/2019 20:13

Your husband definitely needs to have words with his family. Totally awful way to treat your DD. I can’t believe the insensitivity and meanness of some people.

Whoops75 · 11/07/2019 20:18

Yes you’re right it’s the in-laws not the ex.

I think the in-laws maybe do unto dd1 what they observe them doing to dd2.
The OP could have it wrong
Maybe they are trying to be fair.

She should have spoken up years ago
Doing it at a wedding won’t help relations!

ADropofReality · 11/07/2019 20:44

If DD1's dad (your exH) gets remarried, does DD1 get invited and not DD2? If anyone on DD1's dad's side gets married, does DD1 and not DD2 get invited? How do you deal with that?

LL83 · 11/07/2019 20:50

@adropofreality
Dd2 is not part of ExHs family and there is no need/benefit for her to be treated as such. Dd1 is the one with 2 families and if she is fully accepted in either rather than having 2 families she will feel like she doesn't fit in fully anywhere.

How and why would exh build a relationship with dd2? She is not his stepchild. He should understand she is important as his daughters sister but it is not the same as step family.

MrsButterBosom · 11/07/2019 20:59

I feel really grateful that my step family were amazing to me. I was 13 years older than my half sister when she was born (My Dad and my step Mum were together for a year before she same along.) and I was always treated exactly the same as my step brothers. In fact we had a 2nd Xmas day on Boxing Day round my dads and I had presents from my step grandparents! Not from my step uncle but I actually never met him so that’s to be expected. I even got birthday presents and nothing was a token. I got included on family trips to see my step mums family - including her own Gramdma who made my favourite cake if she knew I was coming. I’m still gutted my Dad and my step Mum broke up - she still treats me as family and I would dearly love her to be my step mum still and I’m 35 I really feel for your DD1, personally I think your DH’s family need to view her as a half relative rather than a step relative now you have DD2. She will always be connected to them through her sister so why not just accept her fully as part of the family?!

lily2403 · 11/07/2019 21:01

I wouldn’t be putting up with this, your a family unit and should be treated as such...DH should be dealing with this

flowerfairy6004 · 11/07/2019 21:07

I would be horrified if I got remarried and had another child if my new husband’s family treated my son that way. A step child or blood they shouldn’t be treated differently. It’s cruel. She’s 9 years old - your husband treats her as his daughter they should also treat her as such. If you love a single mother than you make a commitment to both her and her child it isn’t a pic n mix. I would never do that to a child

Freespirit24 · 11/07/2019 21:12

The problem lies with your husband. It is his duty not yours to make his family see reason that your DD1 is part of the family and that they should treat her the same as DD2.

You cannot fight your husbands family, he has to deal with this and you have to make clear to your husband that your eldest daughter should not be treated this way.

They all sound horrible!

Buddytheelf85 · 11/07/2019 21:20

I think I must be an awful person as I don’t see the problem with the flower girl thing. (Maybe because I was forced to have flower girls I didn’t want at my wedding on the grounds that you have to be nice to children - they cost a fortune and ruined the photos.) She isn’t the BIL’s niece and I don’t see how it’s different from the wedding on your ex’s side.

I actually think the present thing is much worse though.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/07/2019 21:21

oes DD2 get presents from dd1s dad's family? I doubt it.
It's totally different. DD1 is their son/brothers stepchild so is their step-grandchild/step-niece. They see her when their son visits with his child and step child.
DD2 is the other families grandchilds/nieces sister and she would have no reason to ever visit

Blueuggboots · 11/07/2019 21:25

You're more understanding than me! I'd go ballistic if that was my child.
I have a step-daughter and she has always been treated the same by my family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

category12 · 11/07/2019 21:40

Did the OP ever post anything ever again after the initial post?

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