A generation waiting to inherit

[Okaydoklay]

With house prices being so high, are we creating a generation of people who home ownership is out of their grasp, and those who have wealthier parents , they are all waiting for their parents to pass to ever be able to afford their own home.

No one is "trolling" you for "being foreign" you idiot, you just don't like being called out for your inflammatory language such as "shoving" relatives in care homes, families "failing" each other and how your family could never do that because you love your grandmother soooooo much (so much that you moved thousands of miles away from her btw) and now you're throwing a toddler tantrum because things aren't going your way. You're the fucking troll here.

I said that's how people in our community would perceive us. Racist troll.

But gingerbreadsprinkle

how is care within the family handled when the elderly person gets violent.

Dmil hadnt a violent bone in her body but had her Ds barricading himself in his room with all the knives and anything she could injure herself or him with.

This could go on for years.

Would you still look after her and risk your children’s lives just because it is your culture.

Oliversmumsarmy

I want to continue chatting with you but there are so many racists on this site (not saying you btw) who are just going to take whatever I say out of context with 30-40% reading comprehension and go on a troll spree. Unfortunately it makes mature conversation really difficult.

Dry your eyes.

gingerbreadsprinkle I was trying to point out that sometimes no matter how willing someone is to take care of someone in their dotage it isn’t always safe or practical for anyone.

The final straw with Dmil was after keeping Bil in the flat for weeks a visitor was attacked and Bil realised he couldn’t keep anyone safe and he needed professional help.

No matter how lovely your elderly relatives are if they get to the point like Dmil where they don’t recognise people and think they are intruders it doesn’t do anyone any good to keep them at home.
Bil did fear for his life.

He had only moved in with his dm in the last year and at that point she was a little forgetful but perfectly normal.

Mentally she has gone down hill very fast.

@llfamily - Geriatric symptoms of UTI is different to younger adults; it causes confusion and dementia like symptoms, and an ability to do everyday tasks. My DM has them constantly. It's a nightmare for her and us, her carers.

The point about refusing antibiotics though is that people's lives are being prolonged into their 90's with no quality of life, because of treating UTI and pneumonia etc with antibiotics. We have to die of something! When it comes to the point that you are totally helpless and unable to function on your own, are in and out of hospital, or attending constant appts, is that 'life' or just surviving?

In the last eleven months of my mum’s life she was prescribed seven courses of antibiotics for a persistent cough. The next step would have been admission to hospital for them to be administered by IV. She was 97 with advanced dementia. It was clearly her time and I wanted her to go peacefully in her quiet room, cared for by people who knew and cared about her. So shoot me.

@gingerbreadsprinkle, you may wish to review this thread. You arrived in a blaze of glory, denouncing UK society for “shoving” old people into care homes and proclaiming the benefits of multi generational living. It was pointed out to you that the burden of this falls disproportionately on women, to which you had no answer.

When a poster took offence to your attitude, you insulted her intelligence then accused her of racism and trolling. You’ve been persistently rude but apparently it’s all down to anyone who disagrees with you.

I just think racists with 30-40% reading comprehension skills aren't worth my time. I already answered how my family allocated the work when they had no choice, and the women of working age worked.

Anyways, racist people want to come on here and call me mental or a lunatic for being a different culture. That's not blazen, sure Jan.

I suggest they tick the "mental" and "lunatic" boxes when it's time to sign up for health insurance after Brexit. Hate on immigrants, hate on discussions of other cultures, hate on globalism... Cool. Lose your underpaid NHS working immigrants and accept your new insurance masters. Americans have the incomes to support it but I highly doubt people here are suddenly going to get enough pay rise to take that shit on.

This is just embarrassing now.

Oh dear. It just gets worse.

Yeah, very embarrassing to have your posts deleted. Maybe try growing up.

Yes and I wonder who reported them 🙄

gingerbreadsprinkle

Maybe instead of ranting and calling us rascists. (some of us are from immigrant families) you might care to answer my question about if you had a violent relative would you still look after them in your home putting yourself and others at risk or would you put them in a home for everyone’s safety

I'm happy to repeat what I was deleted for, as I stand by it. It was a short well-known phrase, ending in 'off.'

"
Maybe instead of ranting and calling us rascists. (some of us are from immigrant families) you might care to answer my question about if you had a violent relative would you still look after them in your home putting yourself and others at risk or would you put them in a home for everyone’s safety"

Probably because they've yet to think of one that isn't "we would have to put her into a care home because we cannot provide the care she would need"? Or is that racism again?

I'm not the slightest bit interested in what culture gingerbread is, and it doesn't alter my stance in taking offence at her rudeness.
I am sitting here next to my sweet and much-adored father in his care home (which he elected himself to move to). He is in the end-stages of cancer and needs 24/7 care that non-professionals couldn't possibly provide. The family are with him constantly, and providing the personal love and support he needs, whilst the fabulously kind and sweet carers are keeping him comfortable and pain-free.
There's been no "shoving" here.

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess 💐 Yes, you have to have been there.

I'm not the slightest bit interested in what culture gingerbread is, and it doesn't alter my stance in taking offence at her rudeness. I am sitting here next to my sweet and much-adored father in his care home (which he elected himself to move to). He is in the end-stages of cancer and needs 24/7 care that non-professionals couldn't possibly provide. The family are with him constantly, and providing the personal love and support he needs, whilst the fabulously kind and sweet carers are keeping him comfortable and pain-free. There's been no "shoving" here.

I'm sorry you're going through that. I currently have a relative through my husband (British side) who is at home going through end stage palliative care and it's why I can't go back to America right now.

My post came across badly. I never meant to say people here were wrong to use care homes, I was trying to explain the pressure I was under through how I was viewed but then at the same time explain there are benefits to family who is there for each other. It's just the concept of collectivism and it's impossible when society isn't based on it, but I do wish we had a bit more of it sometimes.

Anyways, I want to move on and again I am sorry for what you are going through. It is a hard time.

Thank you gingerbread. I appreciate that - it's a sensitive time, as you probably appreciate.

I do hear of the "pressure" Indian families (yes, it's the women) are under regarding obligations. One woman was telling me about her dh's family coming to stay for several weeks and how the hosting, cooking, etc etc was making her feel ill with tiredness in advance. She said - to my suggestion that the dh asked if they could stay in a hotel for a bit - that she would be ostracised if such a thing were raised.

So, although gingerbread's set up does sound quite attractive to me - probably because I have no family left and the thought of a "tribe" supporting me sounds wonderful - when it comes to in-laws I'd rather be on my own living in a manhole, thanks, than having money but having to be at their beck and call.

If we put our family in a care home we would be "shamed" by our community

So what do families from your community do when they cannot look after a relative because their needs are too great? For example, needing round the clock care from 2 people? Do you buy the care in? There are agencies that offer live in care, I guess that could work and might have worked for my father (although he needed two people to take him to the toilet) but he lived in a one bedroom flat so no room for a carer.

It's too simple to say people are selfish when their relatives go into a home, the fact is that people are living a very long time with very complex needs. When people died at 70 of "old age" it was easy to "look after" them in the years prior, when looking after them was just doing a bit of cooking and washing their clothes. It's a completely different ball game when someone is 95 with advanced dementia or Parkinsons.

@gingerbreadsparkle Should people be expected to give up their jobs and sacrifice their family life so they don't have to put their parents in a care home?

Sadly my mother had to go into care because of dementia. I had a full time job, two teenagers and we lived 300 miles apart. She died 25 years ago at 86, and it still hurts me to think I couldn't do more.

She didn't want to move away from the place she'd been born and brought up. She had siblings and friends there, but as I'm an only child, I've always felt guilty because of the situation, even though I know she wouldn't want me to. When we moved away, in our twenties, she was an active, working woman in her 60s. Now, neither of our DC live near us. We may try and get into some sort of sheltered housing near our DD if both or one of us needs it in the future. As much to relieve the DC from worry as for our benefit.