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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think uninvited guests are annoying?

175 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 10/07/2019 10:29

Curious to know if people are okay with uninvited guests?
Are you more accepting if it's a blood related family member? What if its inlaws?
What if they just turn up with no warning beforehand? How much warning is needed? Is it still annoying if they announce they will be visiting you on a certain day without checking if its okay first? Does it depend on how long they stay? Does it depend on what time of day it is? Where is the line for you from acceptable to annoying or cheeky?

OP posts:
OverpricedFloorCushion · 10/07/2019 11:36

I don't answer the door unless I know who it is and what they're coming round for.

I have anxiety and hate people dropping round - I need time to mentally prepare and make sure the house is acceptable.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 11:37

I would be embarrassed for people to see my house as it usually is
you shouldn't.

Either it doesn't make you happy, and you keep it tidy
Or it's good enough for you, and it's more than good enough for any visitor!

UpOnTheShelf · 10/07/2019 11:40

I grew up with an open door policy. Everyone welcome. I'm the same, my door is always open and the kettle on. Take me as you find me.
However, i wouldn't just turn up at someone else's house without arranging it in advance as not everyone likes it.
I have a key all my kids homes, as they do mine, however i wouldn't turn up unannounced, nor would i just let myself in. To be fair, they have an open door policy too.
Visitors here are always welcome to drop in for Brew Cake Grin

JemSynergy · 10/07/2019 11:43

I like to know. I like a curtesy call just before at least. How do the guest know we haven't already got guests? Or we have plans? I just find it rude to turn up and expect to be entertained. I would never visit someone unannounced, I would always call beforehand to ask if it was convenient.

BKJ89 · 10/07/2019 11:44

Literally can't remember the last time we had an uninvited guest. Usually friends and family call and arrange a time to pop over for a coffee that works for all. I always like to make sure things are tidy and clean (not that they aren't but I always over judge myself if the washing is out or the floor hasn't been hovered that day).
As I would never just show up at a friends place, I don't think I'd like it if it happened to me.

JemSynergy · 10/07/2019 11:45

*courtesy call

Badwifey · 10/07/2019 11:47

I am absolutely fine with people dropping in unexpectedly. Sure if they give me notice they'll arrive to a tidy house and some food but feck it. I always have tea.

I personally wouldn't do it to anyone but I certainly wouldn't judge anyone who did. In fact I'd be delighted.

Maybe it's an Irish thing?

TigerLilyMasie · 10/07/2019 11:51

I ABHOR uninvited guests! It is so rude and intrusive to just rock up because they fancy it, or tell you you're staying at home at a certain time on a certain day so they can foist themselves upon you with their glorious interesting presence.

BogstandardBelle · 10/07/2019 11:52

We live far from family, but I'd be happy with them popping round uninvited. Friends, fine too - though I think these days most people would text first even if they were standing outside. But I'm a total extrovert: unless it was a genuine inconvenience, I'd see a random visitor as a lovely break from being home alone (as long as it's someone I like) and it would perk me up a lot - knowing that they want to see me and that they felt comfortable enough in our friendship to just drop by.

One of my best friends is a total introvert though. Like pps, she needs time to mentally prepare for visitors. She recently told her own mum that she didn't want her to visit anymore! They aren't NC or anything, she just can't handle having anyone stay. I would never just drop round without having it arranged in advance, it would stress her out so much. And since she very rarely answers texts or emails the same day, it just doesn't happen. Sometimes it makes me feel unwelcome and unwanted, mostly I realise we are just different.

BarbedBloom · 10/07/2019 11:53

Hate it, I am an introvert and I need time to mentally prepare for visitors as weird as that sounds

Chamomileteaplease · 10/07/2019 11:54

Well it's up to the person involved isn't it whether it's ok or not?

With regard to your SIL OP, well she sounds very presumptive! If you keep saying no she will hopefully stop asking. It's great you are saying no if that's how you feel (and I don't blame you as she sounds awful). She's probably not used to people standing up to her.

Wixi · 10/07/2019 11:55

My DM and DF used to do this. We live over 2 hours away from them and they'd be passing and call and say "we are 5 minutes away, get the kettle on". Used to irritate me no end as I don't do uninvited guests, and 5 minutes notice is no notice at all.

Ephellova · 10/07/2019 11:57

I think it's a cultural thing. When I lived in a different country (to England) people did this all the time and you end up having to have an open door policy because that's just how it works.

People are far more guarded of their time at home and their homes themselves in this country. It's one of the most noticeable things if you're a foreigner who wasn't brought up here.

BogstandardBelle · 10/07/2019 11:58

I read a really interesting take on the introvert / extrovert definition once which rings true with this thread and isn't the usual extrovert = party animals, introvert = shy wallflower.

The key question was: what do you do when you feel down, depleted, out of sorts? Do you seek out company or do you seek solitude? Extroverts seek out the company of others to sustains themselves during times when they are or have to be alone. Introverts need time alone to enable them to get through the times when they are required to be with others.

I'm definitely an extrovert by this definition. I enjoy time on my own, but if I'm feeling troubled or unhappy, I seek out good company and it sets me back on the right track.

StCharlotte · 10/07/2019 12:01

I realise I'm a bit of an MN anomaly but I love people dropping by unexpectedly (another open house childhood). DH is the same.

It doesn't make me a bad person!

SheChoseDown · 10/07/2019 12:01

I don't mind at all. Christ, I even put the kettle on or get a bottle of wine out.

MoodLighting · 10/07/2019 12:01

Agree @Ephellova in my home part of the UK "uninvited guests" are called visitors - they're my friends and family! Of course I'd like to see them.

cheeseislife8 · 10/07/2019 12:02

I'm an introvert too and can't stand unplanned visits. I'd never do it to anyone else either.

To me it's really rude, it says 'stop whatever you're doing and make me a brew'.

Rezie · 10/07/2019 12:03

I dont mind it. I actually would like it if people did it more. Of course if it's someone doing it all the time or staying long or expecting something then thats different. But someone popping in for an hour? That's fine. I hate how everything has to scheduled weeks in advance now.

Rachelover40 · 10/07/2019 12:03

I think they should phone first to check if it is convenient or even if you are in. Exceptions are emergencies such as car breaking down or feeling ill nearby.

Grumpelstilskin · 10/07/2019 12:04

We have our workshop, offices and studio on site. We work from home. We will not answer the door to uninvited visitors, as we cannot interrupt our work. Luckily, there is a tall gate and cameras, so we can ignore anyone just trying to pop by. For a while, couriers tried to palm off loads of deliveries to everyone in the street. We refuse to take in parcels because how often the door went.

dillusionaldog · 10/07/2019 12:05

i cant stand any uninvited guests. It doesnt cost anything to just ring up and check Im in. Give me 5 minutes to make sure I look decent and make sure theres no piles of ironing hanging round. If you just rock up (my parents included so even close family) I feel embarassed and my head is screaming "do i have a bra on?! have the kids cleaned the toilet properly after themselves?! is there toothpaste all over the sink?! are there dishes?!" so im not actually listening to you.

My DHs niece went through a stage of bringing people with her. This also isnt acceptable. She would message (shes 28, doesnt live at home and drives) and say SHE would be over at 2pm on Sunday. Great, fine. She would then turn up with her mother (ex wife of BIL) and her 2 younger siblings in tow. As lovely as ex SIL and the girls are, It changes the dynamic and I now have 4 people sat in my kitchen. Not acceptable. If she had asked it would have been fine. I got sick of this and decided to say I was busy whenever she wanted to come but Im sure her uncle (DH) is in and would love to see her and I will pass the message on to him and they can sort it out. Oddly enough DH would then put her off when the "wifework" was passed to him

Rezie · 10/07/2019 12:07

@BogstandardBelle I always dislike it when people make a black and white definitions of introvert and extrovert. I'm an introvert. I like going to get together, I like meeting new people and I enjoy meeting my friends and family and try new things. But at the end of the day I want to go home alone an recharge.

notso · 10/07/2019 12:07

Sometimes I don't mind other times it pisses me right off.
What annoys me most is DH's family who will 'pop' in, find us on the verge of going out/ other guests arriving/dinner being served and not take the hint,
"Oh your eating, it's ok we'll just watch TV while you eat, are you making a brew?"
"Off out for dinner? We'll just have a quick coffee and let you get on"
Also annoying when we're not even in,
Phone rings "We're at your house where are you? Oh your at the supermarket, we'll wait in the back garden until you get back"
They then proceed to ring or text every ten minutes until we return.

MysweetAudrina · 10/07/2019 12:08

I like the idea of it but in reality I need 30 minutes to do a quick tidy. I also like to have food in especially for visitors.