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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think uninvited guests are annoying?

175 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 10/07/2019 10:29

Curious to know if people are okay with uninvited guests?
Are you more accepting if it's a blood related family member? What if its inlaws?
What if they just turn up with no warning beforehand? How much warning is needed? Is it still annoying if they announce they will be visiting you on a certain day without checking if its okay first? Does it depend on how long they stay? Does it depend on what time of day it is? Where is the line for you from acceptable to annoying or cheeky?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 10/07/2019 11:08

She expected you to pay for her to stay at a hotel?

Is she mad?

Did you tell her she should give you her months salary?

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 11:09

It's very rude, it means they believe their time is more important than yours, and you should stop everything you are doing for them.

It might be fine if you are not working or retired and you enjoy visitors.

When people have a job, a family, and are trying to juggle things, it's very inconvenient! Most weekends we are either away, or have friends around, so even if we are not doing much, it would be awkward to barge in!

I don't even answer the door when I am working from home, I have things to do by a certain time, I have planned my day, I don't have time to entertain people.

Even if I am home with the kids, it might be the only evening that week we are home, and we have a school project to finish.

I don't mind if my kids turn up with a friend though, IF they are sure we are around and I don't have to taxi one of their siblings around.

At least my house is as visitor ready as it will ever be because I hate mess, but I still don't open the door if the kids are not around!

Original poster
TheCheekOfSomePeople · 10/07/2019 11:09

wildcherries I'm the same, I'm a massive introvert and need to prepare mentally for guests.

Heymummee
impromptu family dinners I would hate that, I wouldn't have enough food as I meal plan for the week

OP posts:
AlwaysSkint · 10/07/2019 11:10

I would only do it if absolutely necessary. For example, I've locked myself out I'll go round to my mum's hoping she's in and grab the spare set. Or if I'm in an area where family and friends are that I don't see often I will call and see if they want me to come over for a cuppa as, my father aside, my family would find it quite rude if I didn't if I was in their area. As would my friends. But I wouldn't just rock up.

My mum, on the other hand, knows no bounds and rocks up whenever she fancies opening the door with her spare keys. Even worse, she moans when the flat isn't spotless and ready for guests. I've taken to deadlocking the door.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 11:11

! DH and I were at the gym for an hour and my parents were baby sitting. They were all sat in our living room when we got back angry fucking detest it and I respectfully told them so
Have I read this right? Your parents were already there but grandparents joined them? What made you so angry?

Socksontheradiator · 10/07/2019 11:11

I'm embarrassed to say I used to do it a lot when I was younger. I think it's because I grew up with a very sociable family and I thought it was normal.
I'm totally the opposite now. Would never do it. Thankfully with being able to text, it doesn't seem to be an issue. I always ask, and so do my friends.

Oblomov19 · 10/07/2019 11:12

I'm ok with this. Very rarely ever happens.

Deadringer · 10/07/2019 11:12

I don't mind too much, though it depends on the state of the house, if it's tidy come on in y'all! I saw some good advice on here once, always answer the door with your coat on (in hot weather maybe have your keys in your hand) if the visitor is unwelcome, sorry you are on your way out, if welcome, come on in you are just in the door yourself.

ooohhhhcrap · 10/07/2019 11:18

Both my mum and my in laws have a front door key to my house due to picking dc up on occasion etc however they fail to get the boundary lines Hmm

Funnily enough just this last two weeks I've had to spell it out to my dm that it's not ok to just turn up and if I'm not there let yourself in sit down and ring me demanding pretty much I come back because she's come to see us Confused

It happened two Sunday's in a row (only day we are all home together)i wasn't pleased and told her so. Told her she was rude tonjust turn up and even worse let herself in. I've told her before that Sunday's are our day and as she's semi retired (works two days a week)there are plenty of other times she could come over but is busy then so likes to be in charge. Well that didn't wash with me.

This last weekend she at least messaged,not saying are you in but saying to let her know when I am as she's coming over Hmm
I politely replied but was direct. Said it's our day,we have things planned and when we are at home we plan on enjoying the garden in peace and not entertaining. Hmm

Same with in laws. Have had to put foot down and tell them it's not ok for me to come home from work and find them sat sunbathing in my garden or just turning up and letting themselves in Hmm

Drives me mad.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2019 11:21

I need to prepare mentally for company.

THIS ^ ^

I get very stressed and hate ANYTHING to happen as a "surprise" - it makes me ill - really, really ill.

I know i's a ridiculous over-reaction, but I can't help it.

I detest people arriving unexpectedly. Planned visits are bad enough.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2019 11:21

Open house here on the understanding you take us as you find us. My parents had very much the same policy and my siblings also have that policy. I know a few people that have had the strict no dropping by without prior arrangement and are now becoming lonely as they get older and have very few visitors.

LadyRannaldini · 10/07/2019 11:21

I used to drop in on my Mother unannounced but that was to make sure she was OK and I never went after 6pm, the house was lock up like Fort Knox after that!

As families have become more dispersed dropping in seems to have become less common. In the street where my mother had been brought up and my Aunt still lived about a quarter of the houses were occupied by relatives of some kind and it was usual to drop in, no-one though anything of it.

As we have become more judgemental of others and fearful of being judged we have retreated behind our personal barricades and I'm not convinced that it's a good thing. My daughter phoned the other day, Did you drive past earlier? Why didn't you drop in? It wouldn't have occured to me to do that though.

Xyzzzzz · 10/07/2019 11:21

I hate uninvited guests. I don’t turn up uninvited to someone’s so wouldn’t expect it here.

pigsknickers · 10/07/2019 11:22

I love unexpected visitors. If it's really not a good time then I'd happily tell people that, but generally we're always happy to put the kettle on and have a chat. DH and I both grew up in houses like this and hospitality is important to us. I also really want my kids to grow up feeling their friends are always welcome here. I never even knew this was a thing before mumsnet!

AnxietyDream · 10/07/2019 11:23

I can see why people did it in the past, but in the modern world where everyone has a phone, I can't see the point in not having a quick 5 second phone call to see if you are wanted before making the effort. It just doesn't happen round here.

MrsRussell · 10/07/2019 11:23

I have a mate who does it. Mostly I don't mind at all. I have however learnt to lock the front door after the time when I was in the bath and she let herself in anyway.
I'd rather have the pleasure of her unexpected company than tell her she's only ever welcome by pre-arranged visit, cos she's that disorganised I'd never see her....

Michaelbaubles · 10/07/2019 11:24

I live too far for family to drop in but I wouldn’t have a problem with it - in fact they’re welcome to walk in any time! The only issue would be that I’m pretty busy so often not really available for visitors, but that’s their look out. Ditto if my DSis for example asked to stay over tonight I’d be fine with that, but then I know she’d do the same for me any time. It depends on how you get along really and whether or not you feel taken advantage of. I know nobody would ever ask more of me than I would of them so it all works out in the end.

Walnutwhipster · 10/07/2019 11:25

Friends would always text beforehand but family often pop in. I don't have a problem with them. If it's inconvenient they understand.

Original poster
TheCheekOfSomePeople · 10/07/2019 11:25

What if they turn up and your house is a mess? With a young dc my house is quite a tip and I frantically clean and declutter before people arrive. I would be embarrassed for people to see my house as it usually is

OP posts:
SamStephens · 10/07/2019 11:29

It’s annoying regardless and rude!

I used to not lock my front door when I was home with my DC on mat leave until a friend would “pop” over with no warning - sometimes I would be asleep (as DC we’re napping) and she’d help herself to coming in and making a cuppa and would comment how she had to “stop herself” from jumping on me in bed!! Other days I’d legit just walk out of the shower and there she’d be - on my lounge!!! It was ridiculous!

Lucky my in laws don’t visit much and my folks live 5hrs away so it’s not a common problem and I don’t see my friend anymore since I went back to work (she’s a SaHM).

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2019 11:30

@TheCheekOfSomePeople visitors are coming to see you not your house. They should understand its not going to be a show home with youngsters in it.

Whisky2014 · 10/07/2019 11:34

I don't like it because I dress very relaxed at home, sometimes no bra! So really don't want folk just turning up. Also the style of our house means people usually just come in (family).
And also I like to tidy up before people come round. I've been caught out a few times and it really annoys me. I dont do it to others either

nicky7654 · 10/07/2019 11:34

My Grandparents had an open door policy and so did my Mother but those were the days when everyone was welcomed with a cup of tea and a chat. I find people so engrossed in themselves these days and get insulted and angry at the slightest things. Love your family and friends as one day they wont be around.

fraxion · 10/07/2019 11:35

I had a friend drop in unexpectedly during the day last week. I was up to my eyes in paperwork which, when he came in, I sat on the coffee table along with my pen, laptop, headphones and a solitary candle. I made coffee, had a chat and then out of the blue he said he wouldn't be able to stand having that mess on the table! WTF? God knows while I felt the need to defend myself by saying it was stuff I was working on, it's not always on there, apart from the candle.

susan82 · 10/07/2019 11:35

YADNBU
Hate hate hate uninvited /unexpected /unwanted guests. It's rude IMO to drop in on someone without being invited or at least phoning or texting in advance. If it's an emergency situation and they need you in a hurry then that's perfectly reasonable to just arrive but otherwise very rude and intrusive to just turn up!