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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner devastated....I am confused

156 replies

B5670 · 09/07/2019 21:00

Partner bought a birthday present for me. Quite expensive item. I thought long and hard but had to tell him I didn't like it. Want to swop it for same thing but different colour.
He has now said he is upset...I am ungrateful...
I wanted to tell the truth..
AIBU????

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 10/07/2019 11:52

My husband did this. Gave him two specific examples of watches, where he could get them and cost. Specifically I wanted a watch with certain mechanism. But because he left it until last minute and went to local high street with kids and let them pick he didnt get anything near what I wanted or more importantly the mechanism. I went and changed it and hes been going on and on for 6 months....

larrygrylls · 10/07/2019 12:01

Gifts seem to be very polarising. Some (me, for one) take the attitude that it is lovely that someone has taken the time and trouble to buy you something and would wear it at least sometimes anyway (regardless of personal taste).

Others, however, are far more practical and see a gift as akin to a gift token for the value of the gift and that changing it is fine and they will get something they really want.

I guess the problems occur when both parties take the opposite attitude.

Personally I think both the OP and her partner are BU, her for not just being grateful and him for hugely overreacting.

You should both discuss your attitudes to gifts and see if you can agree going forwards. I guess that, if you can’t, you have bigger problems.

Whosorrynow · 10/07/2019 12:04

He is being weird and controlling, taking offence because you don't agree with him on an issue of personal taste, it's like if you say your favourite colour is orange he gets annoyed because his favourite colour is blue and he thinks that you should agree with him and follow his lead on everything.
He sees this as a challenge to his authority

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 12:06

larrygrylls
I understand your point and to a point I agree with you. If it was a present from a grandparent or aunt or someone slightly removed from your immediate circle I certainly would feign pleasure and say how pleased I was and genuinely mean it even if the gift wasn't to my taste.
I do think with a partner, husband, wife, whatever you should be able to be more honest about your likes and dislikes. After all if you keep faking it how will they know your real tastes?
All the histrionics from this guy would drive me nuts to be honest.

comingintomyown · 10/07/2019 12:16

Larrygrylls makes a good point but for something expensive from a partner and just a swap to another colour same item I think that’s ok.
I agree with others you need to think carefully about the bigger picture and what this scenario tells you about him

TowelNumber42 · 10/07/2019 12:42

Giant red flags flying.

A watch is a very personal accessory. It is a hard thing to buy for someone. He didn't notice that you never wear the colour.

As a result, his devastated fighting back tears is even more ridiculous. It tells you something about him. Bad things.

Rudely refusing to come back to the shop with you. Red flag.

Calling you ungrateful. Red flag.

I'd be moving him towards the bin.

Have there been any times when you've had differences of opinion and he hasn't "won", i.e. your opinion prevails in the decision making or you amicably agree to disagree?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/07/2019 13:02

I'm not sure you can come back from this - he doesn't seem to like you very much. The present is tainted now whether you keep it or not and any present buying in future will be loaded with far more emotional significance than it ought to be.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 13:11

I am the star of unintentionally bad present buying for DP Fortunately we are strong enough to laugh about it,me take a gentle teasing from it and then saying. Ok, I'll try again.
A lot of my disaster buying has become the source of family jokes over the years with me responding " yeah, I got you that because You said..,,!!🤣
You can't have a laugh about things and any future present buying is going to be a pain in the arse!
Good luck!

Whosorrynow · 10/07/2019 13:18

This is about him imposing his will and his preferences on you, you are not allowed to disagree with him, he is the boss, he controls the narrative, he says what you can and can't like

Whosorrynow · 10/07/2019 13:20

I think it's interesting that he compares it to an engagement ring, I think for him the watch symbolises his ownership of you, a bit like branding on livestock ...

70sWitch · 10/07/2019 15:21

At this point, I'd be returning it for a refund. Give him his money back along with his marching orders. I wouldn't want him or his gift after this.

INeedAFlerken · 10/07/2019 17:12

I couldn't stay with someone so toddler-like. He's supposed to want you to love and enjoy the gift and actually use it. Exchanging it for something you'll love and enjoy ... and the idea itself was welcome ... is the sensible response. He's being a twat. Honestly, I'd dump him.

Winterlife · 10/07/2019 18:13

I am laughing at comments about dumping a husband over this.

In marriage, you have to choose your battles. This is not the hill to die on.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 18:17

I am laughing at comments about dumping a husband over this
Is he a husband? If so I would agree and tell him to grow the fuck up and take notice of things I like. If it's a boyfriend I'd be reviewing past behaviours that have made me wonder and proceed cautiously to see what else sets him off.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/07/2019 21:26

OP refers to him as a partner. If he's not a husband, she should be considering all her options. Sometimes a seemingly little thing exposes big differences between people.

TowelNumber42 · 10/07/2019 21:58

I would not divorce over this.

Mainly because I would not have accepted a proposal of marriage in the first place from a boyfriend who carried on like this.

katewhinesalot · 10/07/2019 23:31

Even if it was an engagement ring, I still wouldn't wear it if I didn't like it.

Why is his feelings more important than yours? And why does he think it's ok to waste money on something the recipient isn't in love with?

Enclume · 11/07/2019 01:31

One boyfriend's first present to me was a fucking miniature deckchair for my Nokia phone to rest in.

Reader, I married him.

Laughing at gifting misfires is something couples should be able to do together.

Winterlife · 11/07/2019 03:07

^That's hilarious.

You should dump him today. Grin

mathanxiety · 11/07/2019 03:50

He also compared it to him purchasing an engagement ring and me not liking it!!

Ye gods Shock

Here's your reply to that: 'That's why 99% of men don't buy an engagement ring without input from their fiancee'.

He is now acting all morally superior. Ask him why he wants to be with someone who is clearly so far below his lofty standards.

I would proceed very cautiously with this man. He is telling you here that you have to take care of his feelings.

rainbowbash · 11/07/2019 06:01

what an odd thing to be devastated about. Confused

PatricksRum · 11/07/2019 06:29

Nothing is quite so unattractive as a weepy wailing bloke. Hope his mascara didn't run

Forgot only women could "wail", and only those wearing máscara Hmm

Beautiful3 · 11/07/2019 06:38

17 years ago my boyfriend (now husband) bought a very expensive underwear set (£50). It was crazy looking with large white sequins all over them. I tried it on and it looked so lumpy underneath my clothes! It was hideous! I asked him to take it back for a plainer set. He huffed for a bit, saying I was rude. I replied it was okay I'll keep it, but never wear it. The next day he realised this was stupid and a waste of his money. We went and exchanged it for a gorgeous black, heavily embroided set.

Seahorseshoe · 11/07/2019 07:26

I had this. I did tell him, ended up returning original gift and bought what I really wanted.

I've been with DH 34 years and, after years of stuff I'd never use, now, throughout the year, if I see something I'd like, I email him the link or send a picture. I do it quite often, so I don't really know what I'm getting and this has worked out well. He knows what kind of stuff I like now. There's no point having expensive gifts you'd never use.

rainbowbash · 11/07/2019 07:31

All recorded inside the box when and where it was bought...I suggested we change it together...no was the response

well, it's not gonna get worn then. problem solved. He sounds seriously unhinged. Is this normal behaviour for him?

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