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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner devastated....I am confused

156 replies

B5670 · 09/07/2019 21:00

Partner bought a birthday present for me. Quite expensive item. I thought long and hard but had to tell him I didn't like it. Want to swop it for same thing but different colour.
He has now said he is upset...I am ungrateful...
I wanted to tell the truth..
AIBU????

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 09/07/2019 21:29

I don’t see his issue, if DH had bought me an Apple Watch or similar in lurid pink, it should be fine to swap it for grey. Love the idea, but not the colour. Couldn’t ever wear a bright watch, but a pale grey one, yes!

I am guessing it’s. Similar to this?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2019 21:31

He should know what colours you wear. Not your problem if he forgot.

I think this is one of the times when it’s all ruined now anyway. He’s being horribly unfair to you and is BVU. Can you return it and get something different from the same shop?

HappyNOTdriving · 09/07/2019 21:36

Hmm especially as it's a watch which is something you wear everyday I would have to say something.

If for example someone gave me a white face and strap or a gold coloured metal then there's no way I'd wear it so there would no point.

I would find it hard because I wouldn't want to hurt my partners feelings and I'd very much appreciate the gesture of him picking out something special for me.

SarahAndQuack · 09/07/2019 21:39

IMO it's like bad sex.

Yes, it's understandable he's upset and it is a bit crushing to know you got it wrong when you thought you'd made a lovely effort. But it's setting the foundations for the rest of your relationship? You want to fake it every time he buys you something? No.

Sorryisntgoodenough · 09/07/2019 21:39

YANBU ....several years in, my DH who could go to a store with a colour, style, and bar code number but STILL present me with a completely different item, now just keeps the receipts.

It is awful he is making his disappointment felt tbh. YANBU he presumably bought it to please you, a different colour would please you more.....so why isn’t he falling over himself to make you happy?
If he is trying to make you feel bad then tell him to keep the watch and find a new DP. If he is sulking this much over a watch can you imagine the sulk over choosing big joint spends?

EvaHarknessRose · 09/07/2019 21:40

You just come from different present cultures, probably. In his family your reaction would seem ungrateful, in yours, his would seem irrational.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/07/2019 21:41

Someone having a big strop because they bought a gift that wasn't liked or not quite right... that's someone to watch carefully. Yes, it's disappointing if you spent time and money on what you thought was a perfect gift only to find out that you got it wrong, but the idea of giving someone a gift is that it makes them happy. A man who gets angry and says your ungrateful is a man who thinks that his feelings matter more than yours, you are supposed to perform the way he wants you to perform, without exception.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 09/07/2019 21:42

Of course you are unreasonable! You totally missed the point of presents! Sounds like he put a lot of thought into it and thought he got you something really special. I think in this instance you should just smile and say thank you.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 09/07/2019 21:48

Wondering if anyone who is saying this isn't unreasonable has been on the recieving end of this? An ex of mine once made me exchange a gift 3 TIMES as it wasn't quite right each time. I did it, but it really didn't make me feel very good, and I would never have done that myself. Don't see what's wrong with wearing something unusual or not quite your taste occasionally, if you can look at it and enjoy the fact someone you love chose it for you.

FancyACarrot · 09/07/2019 21:49

i think he probably got that particular colour on sale

themmatricc · 09/07/2019 21:50

you are ungrateful

themmatricc · 09/07/2019 21:53

Someone having a big strop because they bought a gift that wasn't liked or not quite right... actually the only appropriate response to reviving a gift is GRATITUDE

Lilyannarose · 09/07/2019 21:57

Would you be happy if the situation was reversed?
If you bought him an expensive gift with a lot of thought and he gave it back and asked for a different colour?
If you would be fine with that, then I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to change the colour.

Orangeballon · 09/07/2019 21:58

My ex bought me a watch for Christmas, I didn’t like it so he took it back, he didn’t buy me anything else, he did it another Christmas, bought me a watch and matching bracelet, I did not like it but as it was expensive I to,d him to take it back, I did not get another! Lol. I like choosing my own jewellery.

INeedAFlerken · 09/07/2019 22:04

I had a boyfriend do something similar once, act ridiculous and sulk because the piece of jewellery he'd picked out would never have been worn by me. I ended the relationship. He then complained I should have just explained it to him better and he would have been happy for him to pick something else out with me. Hmm Clearly wasn't the case... well rid of him!

diddl · 09/07/2019 22:06

Isn't it better to tell the truth though than to leave something in a drawer, unused?

What a waste of money that would be.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 09/07/2019 22:13

A man who gets angry and says your ungrateful is a man who thinks that his feelings matter more than yours, you are supposed to perform the way he wants you to perform, without exception.

Absolutely

BalloonSlayer · 09/07/2019 22:15

Hmm well if the OP is a neutral dresser and asked for a coloured watch in grey or black and he bought her a neon orange one, why is she BU?

(Especially as we all know bloody well that no one wants those godawful colours, that's why they end up 30% off in the sale and that's why they get bought by "certain people." ie tightarse blokes.)

reluctantbrit · 09/07/2019 22:22

We had this one year. I asked more generic for a certain present and DH went all practical but not what I actually wanted.

It caused a day of being upset, both of us, and since then we hive specific brands, Amazon links or buy it together. It may take the surprise element away but we end with something we actually like and use.

theworldistoosmall · 09/07/2019 22:24

Watches to me are accessories. I am one of those that own quite a few including the bright whatever for 80's themed nights.

I would rather someone be honest so that they get to enjoy it rather than it sat unused.

Krisskrosskiss · 09/07/2019 22:37

I think you are both being a little unreasonable. Personally idve just said thanks and kept it and worn it when he was there. But his reaction to you asking ti swap it for another colour is not normal either. I'd understand slight disappointment... but devastation and actually making an issue about it? Really odd.
Tbh I consider myself an open person but I'd not have made a deal out of any of this.. either the accepting of the gift I didnt like or someone telling me they didnt like the gift i got them. Both occasions where you keep your feelings to yourself in order not to make a massive deal over something which is just supposed to be a bit of fun.

fairislecable · 09/07/2019 22:48

My DH bought me a tiny cocktail watch - it looked awful on my large wrist.

We went together and chose a perfect watch (much larger and quite chunky) we both liked and I wore it daily for 15 years.

The present was a good idea but the detail not quite right.

EKGEMS · 09/07/2019 22:52

I once asked for a North Face down coat for the holidays; even showed my husband what I wanted in a store (just a different color) and the man bought me a pea coat identical to the one I wore everyday. Sigh. Your husband is acting like an idiot-did he buy it on the black market?

cstaff · 09/07/2019 22:59

Bloody hell he is acting like a spoilt brat. In my family we are only short of handing over the receipt with the gift. It is just practical.

Outsomnia · 09/07/2019 23:10

Oh dear, cut him a bit of slack here. He bought you an expensive item.

Was there any way you could have changed it without telling him. IME most men don't pay much attention to the actual gift, as long as you like it. And are grateful for their kindness.

Personally, If you didn't like it, I would have swopped it without telling him.

Too much drama here IMO. But what do I know.

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