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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner devastated....I am confused

156 replies

B5670 · 09/07/2019 21:00

Partner bought a birthday present for me. Quite expensive item. I thought long and hard but had to tell him I didn't like it. Want to swop it for same thing but different colour.
He has now said he is upset...I am ungrateful...
I wanted to tell the truth..
AIBU????

OP posts:
ginghamtablecloths · 10/07/2019 08:54

Presents can be a minefield for many of us. Should you be tactful and smile politely or say something? Any giver who gets it wrong is bound to be upset especially if they gave it a lot of thought but still didn't hit the spot. As it was expensive I guess you had to say something.

MayorPrentiss · 10/07/2019 08:57

Oh bless him - maybe this reaction is blown out of proportion because he's actually bought/is in the process of buying you an actual engagement ring and is fretting you won't like it? Perhaps he sees this failure as a failure to understand your taste and he's as upset as he is because the stakes will be so much higher for the ring? I think there's more going on here than a watch and I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt! (Still get a watch in a colour you like though, just cut him some slack for the reaction)

ScreamingValenta · 10/07/2019 09:00

Going against the grain, I would be upset - not 'devastated' but upset - in your partner' shoes.

As the recipient, I would just wear the watch - a watch is a relatively small, functional item, no one is going to notice what colour it is - it's not as though he's bought you a bright orange puffa jacket.

Winterlife · 10/07/2019 09:02

I think you should sit him down and say, honey, I love the watch. I love the style. But this colour is impractical. I want to exchange it for a colour I can wear with more outfits
I should have explained that to you better. I apologize if I hurt your feelings. It was unintentional and thoughtless of me.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 09:12

I think you should sit him down and say, honey, I love the watch. I love the style. But this colour is impractical. I want to exchange it for a colour I can wear with more outfits
I should have explained that to you better. I apologize if I hurt your feelings. It was unintentional and thoughtless of me
I bloody wouldn't say anything like that at all!! I dont want someone guilting me because I said something wasn't quite right but can easy be sorted.
Sure I'd be thankful and tactful but the whole thing is a drama.
Near tears ffs!! Not good.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2019 09:17

Can I ask what colour he picked? Is it neutral? Or is it more you like silver and he picked gold?

Chamomileteaplease · 10/07/2019 09:18

Mixed responses but I do think it is strange that some people say what's the fuss it's only a watch. I mean, it would be horrible to have something on your wrist every day, that you see all the time and it's something you don't like. Watches are directly in your eyeline. Why would you do that?

I agree with people saying your dp needs to toughen up. Jeez. So long as you were kind about it and it sounds like you like the watch and style. Does he feel his whole being has been found lacking???

ScreamingValenta · 10/07/2019 09:21

I mean, it would be horrible to have something on your wrist every day, that you see all the time and it's something you don't like. Watches are directly in your eyeline. Why would you do that?

Seeing a watch on your wrist that's not in your preferred colour would be 'horrible'? And people are saying the OP's partner needs to toughen up?

Enclume · 10/07/2019 09:22

Life is full of slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and so on. Wouldn't cast in my lot with a man who got weepy over you exchanging a garish watch.

Original poster
B5670 · 10/07/2019 09:27

Thanks for responses. It is not garish. It is just in a colour that is not me. I never wear yellow gold. It has yellow gold on it. So just would change that. Nothing more.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2019 09:30

It's surprising he never knew that I don't do yellow gold; I wouldn't like to wear a watch with yellow gold in it for an everyday watch.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 09:33

It is just in a colour that is not me. I never wear yellow gold. It has yellow gold on it. So just would change that. Nothing more
Sounds fair enough!

TheCatThatDanced · 10/07/2019 09:35

Strawberrypancakes - BIL's now wife exchanged and upgraded (paid more herself) for her engagement ring (at a very expensive London dept store) as she didn't like it - the new one had larger stones - my SIL was Shock at this but to me - if you don't like it then you don't like it!

On my 30th birthday I was with a SO - I asked for something specific - a certain piece of jewellery matching something I had - I got something similar and an additional item (all the same price as the one piece). I have to say I was annoyed didn't exchange but we were in a rocky relationship anyway!

TheCatThatDanced · 10/07/2019 09:37

OP - his reaction tells me a lot about him - he's 'devastated' and told you you were ungrateful etc?! All you've done is express an opinion and if the shoe were on the other foot I'm sure he'd be the same.

As pictish says this is straying into control area and though I wouldn't LTB over this I'd think carefully about our relationship together.

Mylittlepony374 · 10/07/2019 09:38

YANBU. He is being oversensitive at best, quite mean and controlling at worst. I'd be worried.

For context, my boyfriend (now husband) once bought me a really expensive necklace. I'd been away for a month & he had it ready on my return. Prefaced gifting it to me with a big explanation of how many jewellery shops he'd been to, his reasons for choosing this particular design.
I hated it on sight. I told him I was very sorry but would never wear it. We returned it together & now I have a favourite pair of diamond earrings......

MarthasGinYard · 10/07/2019 09:41

Yanbu

I've done exactly the same

DP couldn't have given a monkeys as long as I liked it. I wear it everyday.

Shop just swapped it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/07/2019 09:47

My strategy for this would be to notice a flaw which would necessitate me taking it back to the shop, whereupon I would discover that they were out of stock of original colour and so I had to choose an alternative Wink

I'm torn on this tbh. I would have pretended to love it because he chose it for me, with love. That he chose it would make me more inclined to like it tbh. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings and I think mine would be hurt if I put a lot of thought into something and I'd got it wrong and he didn't like what I'd bought.
That said, a present should be about your preference not his. I'd expect my partner to notice whether I likes gold or silver jewellery and I do think he has overreacted.

Brefugee · 10/07/2019 09:48

I am always very specific about things I want if they're going to be expensive because otherwise it's a waste of money. It took about 10 years to get DH to see my POV. I love surprises but i prefer to receive something I want/can use/need/like so I give a long long list and he can pick one. That way nobody is put out.

I have to say I'm not impressed with some of the comments about the OP's DH showing emotion here because he's a man. There is nothing at all wrong with someone showing emotion. Even if we think it's OTT their emotions are their own.

Icklepup · 10/07/2019 09:50

YANBU. Why keep something you don't love when you can exchange it for a colour you do love.. it's not like you said you don't like the watch design, you're getting the same watch just a different colour!

1300cakes · 10/07/2019 09:53

It's a tough one but I think you've done the right thing. I had a similar situation when my DH bought me an expensive piece of jewellery that wasnt really to my taste, plus the jeweller totally ripped him off. I thought about whether I could say something nicely, at least to educate him on a few things about jewellery, diamonds, etc, so he didn't get ripped off again. But I decided there was no nice way and said nothing.

Of course next year he gets me a matching set of earrings, even less to my taste and even more of a rip off!

AnnaMagnani · 10/07/2019 09:57

Well this is why it's a good idea not to surprise women with engagement rings but to buy them together - now he knows!

They may do that stuff on the movies but in real life couples generally go and choose them together so a budget is agreed and the woman isn't stuck with something absolutely not her taste for the rest of her life.

It's the sort of thing you learn early in a relationship - looks at unworn jewellery item from DH and wonders what he was thinking.

Chocmallows · 10/07/2019 10:02

Can you have a nice meal and bottle of wine in or out, wear the watch and say thank you for my gift and focus on positives in the relationship?

Or, big or, is this symptomatic of other issues. Is he fault-finding with you at a high level? or always a drama queen

SarahTancredi · 10/07/2019 10:03

Yanbu

His reaction is very selfish and manipulative. He cant cope with getting it wrong and he wants to guilt you into wearing/keeping it when it's your present and should be about you.

His "arent I lovely I bought my wife an expensive present" show will have to wait.

Honestly I dont know why people buy their partners this stuff. Taste is so individual and other people rarely get it exactly right. So much better to go shopping together.

Spending your life faking enthusiasm etc is hard work . Does no one any favors either. One person thinks they are great at choosing presents and the other is stuck wearing or using shit they hate.

ChocChocButtons · 10/07/2019 10:14

He sounds a proper snowflake lol 😂 gift receipts exist for a reason.

Pinktinker · 10/07/2019 10:19

I must say, I’d be pretty peed off if I’d made a huge effort with a present for DH and he turned round and said ‘sorry, not keen, can I change it for something else?’. It is rude imo.